Signs seen at the restaurant workers' pep rally.
"EMPLOYEES MUST WASH HANDS AFTER THEY PICK IT"
"NO CRACK MINING AT THE KID'S MEAL STATION"
"PLEASE DON'T SNEEZE IN THE CARRY OUT BAGS"
"REMEMBER TO SMILE AND SAY WELCOME TO FLUFFY'S FOOT LONGS"
A chicken farmer went to the local bar. He sat next to a woman and ordered champagne. The woman said : "How strange, I also just ordered a glass of champagne." "What a coincidence," said the farmer, who added, "It is a special day for me. I am celebrating" "It is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!" said the woman "What a coincidence." said the farmer. While they toasted, the farmer asked, "What are you celebrating?" "My husband and I have been trying to have a child for years, and today, my gynaecologist told me that I was pregnant." "What a coincidence," said the man. "I am a chicken farmer and for years all my hens were infertile, but now they are all set to lay fertilised eggs." "This is amazing," said the woman. "What did you do for your chickens to become fertile?" "I used a different rooster," he said. She smiled and said... "What a coincidence!"
Who did Harrison Ford take to the Star Wars reunion party. Noone he was Solo.
‐‐--------------------
As a woman was leaving the bank, she suddenly remembered she had forgotten the car keys inside.
She went back and asked everyone, but no one had seen the keys. She searched her purse again.
"Oh no! I left the keys in the car!"
She ran to the parking lot in a panic—only to find the car missing!
She called the police, reported the car stolen, gave them the license plate number, and admitted the keys were left inside.
Trying to calm down, she nervously made the hardest call of her life—to her husband. Stammering, she told him the car had been stolen.
He thundered back, "I dropped you at the bank—you didn’t take the car!"
She sighed in relief and thanked God, then asked him to come pick her up.
Her husband replied, "Sure I’ll come... just as soon as I convince the police I didn’t steal your car!"
You know you're in a redneck church when...
The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.
People ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.
When the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering," five guys and two women stand up.
Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.
A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."
The choir is known as the "OK Chorale."
In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.
People think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy.
The baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized "Wheeling" washtub.
The choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) "Billy Bob's Barbecue".
The collection plates are really hubcaps from a '56 Chevy.
Instead of a bell, you are called to service by a duck call.
The minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.
"Thou shall not covet" applies to huntin' dogs, too.
Very good.
Very, very good.
Thanks! Hoping BDBF and RnD see it, too.
🤣 BEST JOKE OF THE DAY! - The Patent Office wasn’t ready for THIS invention!... | Funny Dad Jokes
Lol!
This site is amazing The little girl walking the dog and the live to 80 were really funny
3 Daughters’ Wedding Night Calls 😂 | Funny Clean Family Joke | Classic Comedy
Is a bit long though
Quoting gypsy2299, reply 259This site is amazing The little girl walking the dog and the live to 80 were really funny3 Daughters’ Wedding Night Calls 😂 | Funny Clean Family Joke | Classic ComedyIs a bit long though
Indeed.
Here ya go some I love:
A Rabbi and a Tel Aviv cab driver arrive at the gates of heaven. The Rabbi is shown a nice duplex, while the cabbie is taken to a mansion on a hill. The Rabbi complains, and the front desk explains, "To be frank, Rabbi, when you were lecturing to your congregation, a lot of people were asleep. But when that cabbie was driving, we were swamped with prayers!"
Or, one of my faves from Jewish humor...a man receives a telegram:
"Start worrying. Details to follow."
A super classic:
A Jewish grandmother is watching her grandson play on the beach.A huge wave comes and sweeps him out to sea.She falls to her knees and cries, “Dear God, bring back my grandson!”A moment later, another wave washes the boy safely back to shore.She looks up to heaven and says, “He had a hat!”
And -
A mother gives her son 2 sweaters for Hanukkah. Next visit he comes wearing one of them. She asked, "So...what was wrong with the other sweater?"
A mugger sees a Priest walking down the street. Thinking he'll be a easy mark he pulls the Priest in to a alleyway and says, "Give me all the money you have!" The Priest Nervously says, "I,I, I don't have any money all's I have is a couple of Chocolate bars." The mugger looks at the Priest and says, "I can't I gave up chocolate for Lent."
good one!
Special for tbc:
For Lent I'm giving up.
I'm just giving up, Barb. (It's a classic)
How about reverse Lent? Picking up a new vice to crutch one through the next 40 days of nightmares? Asking for a friend.
Now I gotcha! Let me get back to you on a new vice!!
I'm just giving up, Barb. (It's a classic)How about reverse Lent? Picking up a new vice to crutch one through the next 40 days of nightmares? Asking for a friend.
Looked real close at a list of every vice and there is not a one I could add to my list that would not land me in jail I already practice all the legal ones.😎
A priest and a nun are golfing. The priest tee's up swings and misses. He yells, "Damn it I missed!" The nun scolds him and says, "Father you shouldn't say that God's going to strike you." He waves his hand at her and tries again. He swings and misses once more he says, "Damn it I missed!" The nun repeats to him that God's going to strike you. Again he waved his hand swings and misses and says, "Damn it I missed! Suddenly there is a big flash of lightning and it hits the nun and she disappears in a cloud of smoke and the priest hears a thundering voice saying,
"Damn it I missed"
Oldie but goodie.
A Italian man is dying he has three friends. An Irishman, a Polack, and a Jew. He hands them $25,000 each In an envelope and says , "Promise me you will put the money in my casket when I die I want to take it with me." They all agree about a month later the Italian man dies and they go to his funeral. All three of them walk up to his casket the Irishman looking down says, "I don't have his money I had to use it to get a another car." The Polack also says, "I too don't have his money I had to use it to get a new roof." The Jewish man takes a envelope out of his jacket and places it in the casket and says to The other two, "You should be ashamed of yourselves I want you to know that check is good!"
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