Hey, I decided to copy my post in fan submissions here and see if more, (more like anyone for that matter), people look at the story I'm writting that is set in the Sins of a Solar Empire universe. Hope you guys like it. Hell, maybe it will get published one day! Anyway here it is below; its what I have wrote so far and I will keep ading to it.
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Prolouge
The humming sound was coming from the other side of the thick metal wall. A hot reddish-orange line quickly appeared on the wall with hundreds of little, hot, and blue sparks showering the area around the wall.
The dark and laser scorched room was now slightly illuminated from the sparks. Also, the line in the wall has now almost finished making an outline of a seven foot tall door.
A man dressed in a dark grey uniform was face down on the ground; dead in a pool of his own blood. He lied in front of a, or at least once was, command console. On the console was a small black box made out of metal, plastic, and other various materials. It was a recording device used by people to record moments of their space journeys. This particular one was used by the Captain, the man who now lied dead in front of his own command console, of the now lifeless and drifting hulk of a former starship and his command crew.
The Captain protected device until the very end. Hoping that someone would find it and that their tale would be told. Hoping that the story of their journey would help those that found it, unless it fell into the hands of his and his people's enemies.
A loud bang rings out in the room as the section of the wall where the line was came crashing down. In stepped five dark grey uniformed soldiers, all holding their service pistols and flashlights in hand. One of them turns on a device on his wrist and uses it to scan the room. After the scan is complete, the men move deeper inside of the room; now satisfied that there are no hostile beings in the room.
With the new, and brighter, source of light; the room is clearly identified as the bridge for this dead starship. This was the bridge for the elite T.E.C Akkan Battlecrusier Nalfander's Pride; named after the first head of the of the Trader Emergency Coalition's (T.E.C) ruling security council, Jacob Nalfander.
This once great warship was once the capital ship of a large T.E.C fleet stationed in this star system, based out of the T.E.C colony world of Taoseca. The planet where only one third of the fleet returned from its last fleet wide patrol of the star system.
When news of this reached the T.E.C's ruling council it truly disturbed them. It disturbed them as much as when twenty-five years ago the Vasari attacked and force the old Trade Order to resign and create the T.E.C. It disturbed them as much as when there old foes and lost kin from almost over a thousand years before returned with a vengeance only ten years ago.
After their initial shock and fear, the T.E.C's ruling council quickly sent an elite battle fleet, one that was double the size of the one that was based out of Taoseca (before it went out on patrol), to investigate what happened.
The uniformed soldiers in the now battle scarred and ruined bridge have finished their search and gathered up what they thought would be worth bring back. They only managed to find a few of these kind of items now. They took one of the dead Captain's holotags, the Captain's body, and the recording device. After collecting these items and retrieving their equipment, the soldiers got back into their small shuttle and made their way from the ruined Battlecrusier and back to the capital ship they were based out of.
After the soldiers leave the bridge room goes quiet and dark once more. Then, for one last moment, the room is dark, quiet, peaceful, and lifeless once more since it was roughly destroyed in its fighting. Then there is a sudden flash followed immediately by a violent rumble. This is also nearly instantaneously followed by a bright orange flash of light and almost ear shattering boom. Then, finally and permanently, there was quietness and most of all: nothingness. *** ***
"Our siege frigates have destroyed the wreckage of Nalfander's Pride after the recovery team returned to our hangar sir." the Lieutenant in charge of communications said.
"Good Lieutenant Richardson. Is there anything else?" the tall and imposing grey uniformed man who stood staring out at space from his view in his ship's bridge.
"Yes there is Vice Admiral Froelar. Captain Valraxer has sent a message from his ship Wrath of Pilexia IV for you sir."
Vice Admiral Jackson Froelar let out a small sigh and turned to face Richardson, his personal communications officer. The Vice Admiral was an scarred, grim, and imposing man. He had a large scar going diagonally across his face; caused by shrapnel coming off his old command console after it took a plasma burst. He stood about six and a half feet tall and had seen more than three hundred battles against both the Vasari and Advent. His gaze easily brought enormous amounts of fear in most people it fell upon.
"Well what does the 'good Captain' want from us? Is he not comfortable enough on his luxurious Sova Carrier?"
"Well Captain Valraxer says he is ready to head back to Taoseca and refit and resupply; then return to the home system and report back to 'big chesses', sir." the communication's officer replied.
Just as Lieutenant Richardson finished, a young Petty Officer entered the room and walked up to the Vice Admiral. The Petty Office whispered something into the Vice Admiral's ear and handed him a small black box; the same thing from the wreckage of Nalfander's Pride.
"What is that sir?" Richardson asked.
"Oh, this? This is the recording device that the recovery team brought back from the wreckage of the Pride. Each command bridge of each capital ship in the whole of the T.E.C navy has one. The commander of the ship keeps and uses it to record the event's of their journey. This is one of the more fancier ones, it records audio and video. Quite useful for situations like this." Vice Admiral replied to Richardson while holding up the recording device.
"Oh, ok sir. But what do you want me to send back to Valraxer. sir?
"Tell him that he will take half the fleet and remain at Taoseca after we finish refitting and resupplying. In case there is a serious enemy fleet in this system heading for Taoseca. Also, we need someone to watch and listen to the recordings from the Captain of the Pride and its command crew."
"Who do you want to do that sir?"
"How about... ah yes! You will do it Petty Officer..." Vice Admiral Froelar said after looking around his command bridge until his gaze fell upon the Petty Officer who brought him the recording device.
"Collins. Petty Officer Roger Collins, sir. And you want me to do that?" Petty Officer Collins said looking at the Vice Admiral while poking his chest.
"Yes you son. You might as well since you are so interested in my communications officer and my conversation. It shouldn't be too much trouble. Hell, who knows; you might find something in those recordings that are of vital importance to the T.E.C. So, just head to your quarters and get it done." Vice Admiral Froelar said to Collins.
"Yes sir!" Collins said as he then quickly scrambled out of the command bridge with the recording device in his hand.
"Now then, hail Wrath of Pilexia IV and let our good friend Captain Valraxer learn of the plan. Is that understood Lieutenant?" the Vice Admiral said as he shifted his gaze back to Lieutenant Richardson.
"Yes, of course sir!" Richardson replied as he shifted his view back to his communication console and hailed the carrier Wrath of Pilexia IV.
"You never know, maybe I was right. Maybe that recording device really does have vital information for the T.E.C. Maybe that dead Captain might have even found a way to end this long ass and bloody mess of a war. You just can never know." Vice Admiral said quietly to himself as he once again shifted his gaze back out his command bridge's window.
He once again stared back out the window at the stars and the piece of space where Nalfander's Pride was and is now millions of specks of floating debris. He stared out at space and wondered.
Part One- Ignorance and Foolishness
The Trader Emergency Coalition, the T.E.C; led by the noble former leaders of the grand old Trade Order and brave merchant starship captains. Forced to disband when faced with the new vile threat all of us face. Former merchant starship crews are now the brave crews of the warships that make up the backbone of the defense of trader held space. They, the T.E.C, are the proud and valiant defenders of the purest and truly good form of our proud race; humanity! With these great and brave men and women defending us from our enemies, our victory in this ghastly war is assured!
That is the kind of bullshit they would feed you over the media on any T.E.C held world. Everyone in the T.E.C military, hell even most people that have their head screwed on right, know that this is just typical flag waving propaganda. Knowing that only ignorant fools truly believe this garbage. The T.E.C is hard pressed in this conflict, and while I hate to say it, it sometimes the prospects of winning look very far off or near damned impossible. As I said before, only ignorant fools would believe this kind of crap.
However, that's just what I was after I assigned that Petty Officer the task of listening and watching the recordings of the crew of Nalfander's Pride's journey, and then just file a simple report to me about it. Yes, that was when I became just like those people who believe the stupid propaganda that the T.E.C controlled media spoon fed to keep order on T.E.C colony worlds, especially the outer colonies,. I was an ignorant fool.
I was an ignorant fool when I sent that lowly subordinate, (no offence to good Petty Officer Collins or anyone else of course), to do that job. I joked around about it having vital information for the Trader Emergency Coalition. If I only I knew that it really did have crucial and important information in those recordings. If only I knew then what I know now. Maybe it could have stopped or slowed down the enemy, or at least have us better prepared. Maybe more could have been done about those damn merciless alien freaks, the Vasari. Maybe more people would still be alive today. If I only I wasn't so ignorant and foolish back then.
Oh well, I guess I shouldn't be too hard on myself about it. After all, who wouldn't have felt the same way after listening and watching the first recordings or reading the first part of Collins's report? Just like me, most people would have probably doubt anything majorly important or significance. Hell, maybe even have stopped using their time on those recordings and guess what most of us guessed what happened to Nalfander's Pride and its fleet. Just guess that a Vasari or Advent fleet of equal or slightly greater force surprised them and ambushed them. But oh how wrong that speculation is! Oh how wrong we were! Oh how wrong was I about it! I still can't stop myself from repeating the same phrase that has now dominated my thoughts, and even actions,: If I only I knew.
-Vice Admiral Froelar,
Comments on the Nalfander report.
I don't have time to look at it now, but I sure will later. Also, come and check out my own story, Sinners! (its here on the general forum, I've learned no one ever goes to fan submissions ha).
https://forums.stardock.com/331326
I'll look at yours if you look at mine (actually ill look at urs anyway but i thought id put this)
Alright, thanks! I'll look at yours too! I hope you like my story, I'm sure i'll like yours too! See ya!
Constructive criticism (hope you're not opposed to it): some grammatical and spelling errors, poor word choice, etc. nothing too major. At first I thought why the hell would Vice Admiral Froelar give that recording, which may or may not contain sensitive material, to the first soldier he sees? If he doesn't view it himself, why would it not go to his second-in-command, his secretary, or any intelligence officers (if they were aboard the ship). Then in part one you outlined briefly that this was intentional and I assume you have a plot structure formed, so I'm not too annoyed by it. Still, even if a large part of your story has to change, I just don't think any capable captain would pass on a video recording of a famous capital ship's last moments to the first man he laid eyes on. My opinion there.
HOWEVER, I'm intrigued to see where your story will go. Who, or what, attacked Nalfander's Pride and its fleet? If its not the Vasari or Advent.....the unknown Vasari enemy? Not a lot of people have mentioned that in their story (actually i haven't read a single one that has. i plan to, but thats much later on into it.) And even if its not, great suspense-starter there! Looking forward to reading more.
Also, I read some of your story and I thought that it was really good, if abit short for some parts. I think that you are a great writer, and maybe your story will get officaly published one day. (Hopefully mine will too! ) Chapters one and two will be up soon. Look forward to it on around Sunday or Monday, (because I have other things to do), and I look forward to your and anyone elses thoughts.
P.S If you could, please tell me some words that may be better for the story. Thanks!
I completely understand! That's what I do myself. (I need to return and redo my Vasari intro. chapters, they just feel rushed.)
Ah well I actually talked to Blair about that a while ago. Due to contractual issues we cannot publish any Sins stories
Let's see what I can do...
A thick metal door was outlined in darkness, a humming sound coming from the other side of it. A hot reddish-orange laser quickly burst through, creating hundreds of little blue sparks that showered across the room. A body with a pool of blood around it flashed quickly into view before the sparks sizzled out.
The body was of a man dressed in a dark grey uniform, lying facedown on the ground. He lied in front of what used to be a command console. On the console's now darkened controls was a small black box made out of metal, plastic, and other various materials. It was a recording device used by people to record moments of their space journeys. [ALT SENTENCE: It was used by fleet captains to record pivotal moments during their tours of duty.] This particular one was used by the captain laying facedown in a pool of his own blood, the captain of this now lifeless, drifting hulk of what used to be a starship under the command of the Trader Emergency Coalition.
Idk, don't want to rewrite your own story. But I guess I'm showing how it could be worded differently to bring out more effect?
EDIT: part of my post is caught inside the quote window for some reason, so just be sure not to miss it. I'll add some extra spaces so you can see the two parts.
Here is the first and second chapter. Enjoy and look forward to your oppionon, sorry it took so long. (Got to love the chaos of the holidays, huh!)
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Chapter One
The door slid to a close and made a hissing sound as it closed shut behind the man who just stepped in. It was Petty Officer Collins and put the recording device on the desk next to his quarters personal computer. Collins pulled the chair back and logged onto his PC and brought up the program to change what the holo sign on his quarters' door said.
-------------- SYSTEM IDETIFICATION RE-CHECK COMPLETE.
Welcome PETTY OFFICER COLLINS. What would you like to change to your holo sign for you quarters; QUARTERS A-509, AFT SECTION,?
Input the new information below.
P.O.C----------------- P.etty
O.fficer
C.ollins
DO NOT DISTURBE, CRUCIAL ASSIGNMENT BEING WORKED ON. AND ITS NOT TAKING A DUMP OR "WORKING OUT" WITH MY HAND, AS YOU CALL IT, YOU JACKASS STEVENSON!
-------------- SYSTEM VERIFIES NEW INFORMATION. DISPLAYING... NOW. Thank you for your time and cooperation, PETTY OFFICER COLLINS, and have a nice day. We hope you like the new display.
-------------- PROGRAM END.
"Hopefully now I won't be bothered by his friends, and those other jackasses", he said quietly to himself.
Collins picked up the recording device and hooked it up to his computer. He began to load up the first recording and prepared to relax and watch.
P.O.C-------------- System, begin playing recording upon pressing of the ENTER key. Verified?
--------------------- SYSTEM VERIFIES WAITING FOR THE "SIGNAL TO GO".
Collins looked at his dark black computer keyboard and pressed the ENTER key. As the recording began to play, he leaned back and little bit and got ready to "enjoy the show".
*** ***
"Captain! Captain! Fleet Command sent us some new orders!" the voice yelled out.
The man who was being shouted at let out a sigh. He thought to himself; great, we get some leave here on planet only a week ago and already FleetCom is trying to ship us off back to the frontlines. I guess it's expected, everyone who is able is need for active military duty. We need to keep making this war looked winnable for the masses. Oh well, leave was fun while it lasted.
"What is it Ensign Yokumarau? Has the Fun Choppers already decided to call our number while we are busy having leave on this beautiful colony world of Taoseca?" the Captain replied to the man who was yelling at him, now identified as his navigational officer.
"You know it Captain Mickelson! They said that we are to begin the fleet wide patrol of this system." Yokumarau replied.
"Figured as much. But why are you telling me this? Shouldn't your friend Ensign Garcia should be bringing me this new bit of information? Are you two that best of friends? Or are you just running errands for him because you lost another game of cards to him and were out of M.F.Cs?" Captain Mickelson said.
"Yeah, I lost to him, again! I swear that bastard cheats every time we play so he doesn't have to get off his ass! Any who, FleetCom says we should begin the patrol tomorrow night by 1900 hours."
"Alright then. At least we have one more day of relaxation before head back to the ass end of space. See you on the ship?"
"You know it sir! You should join us for a game of cards sometime soon! See ya Captain!" Yokumarau said as he ran off back to their ship; Nalfander's Pride. The jewel of this particular T.E.C fleet, a powerful Akkan Class Battlecrusier that has served in over fifty major confrontations with the enemies of the T.E.C.
The Captain eased a smile onto his middle aged face and started walking down the boulevard once again. He headed towards the main market in the capital of Taoseca; Taoseca City, (really original of those first colonists to this world, eh?).
Since it was their last night on leave, he decided to get a nice treat for the brave men of his ship. He entered a large bakery and dairy store that was located at the entrance of the huge market. Before he walked in, he took a good look around the market and thought to himself that it wasn't such a shock to the size of the marketplace. After all, the T.E.C used to be run by the old Trade Order. A society that saw humanity through its golden age; a time when life was driven by trading and economy.
Mickelson walked up a small young man on the dairy side of the shop and who promptly asked him what he would like.
"Hmm... what's your best flavor of ice cream here son?" Mickelson asked the young man.
"Well sir, that's a hard choice. But I would have to say it would be our galaxy famous Rocky Road ice cream sir. Would like to buy some?" the young man replied.
"Do you have a discount for people that are in the T.E.C Navy?" Mickelson asked, stressing every word he was saying to get across to the young man that it could be a deal breaker.
"Why of course sir! We give current T.E.C military servicemen a twenty-five percent discount!" the young man eagerly chipped in as his reply.
"Alright then, you see I'm the Captain for the Capital Ship in port right now here; Nalfander's Pride. And I would like to get a tub of Rocky Road ice cream for each crew member of my ship. So I would like to purchase four thousand tubs of rocky road ice cream. Now then how much will that be with the discount?" Mickelson asked calmly.
The young man standing behind the ice cream counter was shaking and was probably about to faint. Four Thousand Tubs of Ice Cream! That is almost unbelievable! However, he recovered quickly knowing that this could make his business skyrocket and put the store on the map!
"Not a problem sir! I guess our customers will have to deal with our other amazing flavors. We will have your order delivered to your ship by ten o'clock P.M tonight, sir. That will be a final total of twenty-eight thousand credits. " the young man said.
"Alright then! Charge that to this card. The Fun Choppers won't have a problem paying for the bill since they cut our leave short. Thank you young man. Good bye." Mickelson said as he swiped his card and walked out of the store.
The young man behind the counter nearly leaped for joy afterwards. He is going to be rich, he thought to himself! Oh how he loved the T.E.C at this moment.
The young man went to the back room and got as many employees as he could to start loading up freezer hover trucks with the ice cream. Yes indeed! He was going to be rich!
It was 2200 hours, and Captain Mickelson got up on his senior CO table and banged his fork against his glass.
"Men, tomorrow night we will be shipping out with the rest of the fleet for a fleet wide patrol of this star system. This change in plans is curtsey of our friends; the Fun Choppers." the Captain yelled so that the whole crew would hear him.
This drew a series of groans, boos, and complaints from various members of the crew as they learned that FleetCom, or the Fun Choppers as the Captain and some others call them as, shortened their leave and already got them orders to go out on what is sure to be another boring patrol.
"However, I have a special treat for all of you. A tub of ice cream for each and every one of you! This too is curtsey of our friends; the Fun Choppers!" the Captain yelled as men from the bakery and dairy store started bringing in cart after cart filled with tubs of the purchased tubs of Rocky Road ice cream.
The men shouted in joy and began rushing their way to the ice cream. Many of them laughing at what their beloved Captain did. Purchasing all of this ice cream and also have FleetCom pay for it! This is the funniest thing he's done yet many of them thought!
"Enjoy the ice cream! But make sure to get your fat asses ready to move out tomorrow! See you then and good night!" the Captain yelled as he took his tub of ice cream and spoon and headed for his private quarters.
Hopefully we will all come back from patrol and be able to do this again. Hell, if he does, FleetCom might have him stringed up for he did. Twenty-eight thousand credits spent on ice cream, and right out of their pockets too! Oh well, it's worth it; he thought to himself as he opened his tub of ice cream and started to dig in.
Hopefully they will. A couple hours later, he and the rest of the crew was asleep. They didn't know they were going out on their final patrol. If only they knew what was to happen.
Well, that was an "interesting" start for the recordings Petty Officer Collins thought. Ice cream. That's how they start, I should have left the bridge once I talked to and handed the Vice Admiral this thing. Instead of having to be forced to watch and listen to this boring garbage; Collins thought.
Oh well, time to get some rest; Collins thought as he turned off his computer and prepared to go to bed. As he climbed into his bed he thought, a great assignment I got; not for the first time and nor for the last time either. Then he slipped into the realm of sleep and would worry about his assignment later, however it wouldn't be long before his tone about the recordings would change.
Chapter Two
While Petty Officer Collins was on board Vice Admiral Froelar's flagship, the Kol Battleship Trader's Vengeance, doing the task that Froelar gave him; a Vasari fleet moved through and docked at an asteroid field that they had captured.
This particular group of Vasari had taken these asteroids from a local, and hostile, human cartel. However, the humans had no idea about what kind of Vasari fleet this was. The Vasari fleet was massive, nearly five times the size of the T.E.C fleet that left from Taoseca. The human cartel was quickly and mercilessly annihilated. If only the humans knew who they were, they might have had a chance to flee and live another day. If only.
This was the New Vasari Empire's Dark Fleet, and not the one that those cowardly refugees call theirs; but the real deal. The refugees thought that an ancient enemy or some god-like being that was seeking unholy vengeance upon the Vasari Empire. Those fools!
The cause for the so called "disturbance" was the Vasari being standing on the bridge on his capital ship of the Dark Fleet; the Kortul Devastator Revenge of Notharava. He was Dark Fleet Vice Commander Varjuda Valkanas, the so called traitor to the old Vasari Empire. He led a great many of the Dark Fleet in a coup de tat to overthrow the old Empire and become the new Emperor of the Vasari Empire.
It turned out not to be as challenging as one would thought. It was downright easy after he and his original rebel allies took over the secret Vasari super weapon that was under development. It now was towed with them, it was great device that looked like a giant laser rifle that floated through space. The weapon generated an extremely powerful EMP pulse that charge up inside of the weapon, it then fired at the target planet; disabling all ships, weapons, communication systems, and all other electrical systems on planet and in the surrounding gravity well.
He had used this device to slowly conquer the old empire's worlds while still slowly building up supporters within the Dark Fleet. He used this strategy until he could finally launch a full out assault on the last refuge of the old empire's government, solidifying his control on the Empire.
However, he then learned about the population and local Dark Fleet located at a planet on the edge of the empire. He also learned that the remnants of the Dark Fleet that was still loyal to the old government arrived at that planet in complete terror of the devastation they saw at the battle.
So, now knowing that they fled to this new galaxy; he personally led a part of the Dark Fleet to conquer them and bring them back into the fold of the new Vasari Empire. He encountered some of the local sentient population and quickly destroyed them. He wasn't going to let anything or anyone stop him and his goals. Nothing at all would.
He looked out of the view in his bridge and looked to the future. Oh how great things turned out! His victory is inevitable he thought. Nothing can stop him, Varjuda Valkanas; Emperor of the New Vasari Empire and unchallenged ruler of the known universe!
major editing needed, places where it should be "I" instead of "his" and stuff like that....but pretty good otherwise!
However, this video thing....how is Collins watching what the Nalfander´s Pride´s captain is thinking? For this video to work, it has to be words and visual actions only. I didn´t feel like I was reading about a guy watching a video recording. I was reading about the captain and his thoughts. Not what you´d get out of a video.
Oh....a boring coup (haha). Well just cause its not what I think doesn´t mean its bad. Continue!
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