Ok, so I have been thinking, I need some laughs as I have been feeling down due to 1 so called daughter that thinks ripping her own cousin off is a good idea and stealing her cousins stuff and then trashing the place and leaving it stinking like a pigsty , my niece Louise has Parkinson's disease and is bringing up her 5 year old son and shes lost her hubby 5 months ago. I have been away since last Thursday helping Louise to get her house back in order after Bianca and her so called partner and new bub were forced out of Louise's home cos they stopped paying rent and when asked they refused so my niece had no choice but to take them to court to have them removed . and in the mean time Bianca lies to me and other family members as to where shes actually was living what I don't get is why Bianca had to be such a B*tch to do this to her family its so wrong yes I am mad, upset, and angry with her but my mind keeps telling me you can't do anything for her she has to fall rock bottom. this is where I need some laughs, I want you to hit me with all your best jokes so that it passes my day and I can feel happy again , as they say laughter is the best medicine .... anyway enough of this I need some laughs so get cracking you lot PLEASEEEE!!!!
An elderly couple walk into a fast food restaurant. They order one hamburger, one order of fries and one drink.
The old man unwraps the plain hamburger and carefully cuts it in half. He places one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counts out the fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placing one pile in front of his wife. He takes a sip of the drink, his wife takes a sip and then sets the cup down between them. As he begins to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them keep looking over and whispering "That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them."
As the man begins to eat his fries a young man comes to the table. He politely offers to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man replies that they''re just fine - they're just used to sharing everything.
The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sits there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again the young man comes over and begs them to let him buy another meal for them.
This time the old woman says "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything."
As the old man finishes and was wipes his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again comes over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asks "May I ask what is it you are waiting for?"
The old woman answers... "THE TEETH."
WHERE DO RED-HEADED BABIES COME FROM?
After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the Obstetrician. 'Doctor,' the man said, 'I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine!!'
'Nonsense,' the doctor said...'Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool.'
'It isn't possible,' the man insisted.
'This can't be,our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations.'
"Well, said the doctor, let me ask you this. How often do you have sex???"
The man seemed a bit ashamed..'I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months.'
'Well, there you have it!' The doctor said confidently....
"It's Rust."
The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney. The auditor said, “Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.” “I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,” says Grandpa. “How about a demonstration?” The auditor thinks for a moment and said, “Okay. Go ahead.” Grandpa says, “I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.” The auditor thinks a moment and says, “It’s a bet.” Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops. Grandpa says, “Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.” Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet. Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous. “Want to go double or nothing?” Grandpa asks. “I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.” The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again. Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he ends up urinating all over the auditor’s desk. The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa’s own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands. “Are you okay?” the auditor asks. “Not really,” says the attorney. “This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it!”
Good one!
Seven handy tips.
1. Avoid Cutting Yourself When Slicing Vegetables By Getting Someone Else To Hold The Vegetables While You Chop.2. Avoid Arguments With The Females About Lifting The Toilet Seat By Using The Sink.3. For High Blood Pressure Sufferers: Simply Cut Yourself And Bleed For A Few Minutes, Thus Reducing The Pressure On Your Veins. Remember To Use A Timer.4. A Mouse Trap Placed On Top Of Your Alarm Clock Will Prevent You From Rolling Over And Going Back To Sleep After You Hit The Snooze Button.5. If You Have A Bad Cough, Take A Large Dose Of Laxatives. Then You'll Be Afraid To Cough.6. You Only Need Two Tools In Life: Wd-40 And Duct Tape. If It Doesn't Move And Should, Use The Wd-40. If It Shouldn't Move And Does, Use The Duct Tape.7. If You Can't Fix It With A Hammer, You've Got An Electrical Problem.Daily Thought:Some People Are Like Slinkies -- Not Really Good For Anything, But They Bring A Smile To Your Face When Pushed Down The Stairs.
VIAGRA Press Release** In pharmacology, all drugs have two names - a trade name and a generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol is acetaminophen. Aleve is known as naproxen; Amoxil is amoxicillin, and Advil is ibuprofen. The FDA has been looking for a generic name for VIAGRA. After consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced it has settled on the generic name of mycoxafloppin. Also considered were mycoxafailin, mydixadrupin, mydixarizin, mydixadud, dixafix, and of course ibepokin. Pfizer Corp is making an announcement today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form and will be marketed by Pepsi Co as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. Pepsi's proposed ad campaign claims it will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink. This additive gives new meaning to the names of cocktails, highballs and just a good old fashioned stiff drink. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of Mount & Do. The long term implications of drugs and medical procedures must be fully considered: Over the past few years, more money has been spent on breast implants and Viagra than was spent on Alzheimer's research. It is believed that by the year 2030, there will be a large number of people wandering around with huge breasts and erections who can't remember what to do with them!
An old farmer went to town to see a movie. The ticket girl said, "Sir, what is that on your shoulder?"
The old farmer said, "That is my pet rooster, Chuckie. Wherever I go, Chuckie goes."
"I'm sorry, Sir," said the ticket girl, "We can't allow animals in the theater. Not even a pet chicken."
The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the chicken down his pants. He returned to the booth, bought a ticket and entered the theater. He sat down next to two old emergency room nurses named Mildred and Marge.
The movie started and the chicken began to squirm. The old farmer un-zipped his pants so Chuckie could stick his head out and watch the movie.
"Marge," whispered Mildred.
"What?" said Marge.
"I think the guy next to me is a pervert."
"What makes you think so?" asked Marge.
"He unzipped his pants and he has his thing out," whispered Mildred.
"Well, don't worry about it," said Marge, "At our age it isn't anything we haven't seen before."
"Yes," said Mildred, "But this one's eating my popcorn!"
Kathlick or what?
Two little Boys were concerned because they couldn't get anyone to play with them. They decided it was because they had not been Baptized and didn't go to Sunday School.
So they went to the nearest Church. But, only the Janitor was there.
One little Boy said, "We need to be baptized because no one will come out and play with Us. Will You baptize Us?"
"Sure," said the Janitor.
He took them into the bathroom and dunked their little heads in the toilet bowl, one at a time. Then he said,........"You are now Baptized!".
When they got outside, one of them asked, "What religion do you think we are ?
The older one said, "We're not Kathlick, .....cause they pour the water on you and we're not Babtis, cause they dunk you all the way down in the water and we can't be Methdiss, .....cause they just sprinkle water on You."
The other little boy said, " If the smell of that water means anything, I think we must be Pisscopailians."
A Texas farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and starts talking with him. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large."
Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, "We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows."
The conversation has really gone south when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what the heck are those?"
The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?"
While out hunting Starkers a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over & discharged, shooting him in the genitals. Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor. "Well, Starkers , I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, and we were able to remove all of the shot." "What's the bad news?" asked the hunter. "The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive shot damage done to your willy which left quite a few holes in it. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister." "Well, I guess that isn't too bad," Starkers replied. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?" " Not exactly answered the doctor......... "She's a flute player in the Sydney Symphony Orchestra. She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye.
A drunk man who smelled of Beer sat down on a
Subway next to a priest. The man's Tie was stained, his face was plastered
With red lipstick, and A half-empty Bottle of gin was sticking out of his
Torn coat pocket. He Opened his Newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the man turned to The priest and asked, "Say Father, what causes Arthritis?"
The priest replies, "My Son, it's Caused by loose living,
Being with cheap, wicked women,
Too much alcohol, contempt for your Fellow man, Sleeping around and lack of a Bath ."
The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be darned”,
Then returned to His Paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said,
Nudged the man and Apologized. "I'm Very sorry.
I didn't mean to come on so strong.
How long have you had Arthritis?"
The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father.
I was just reading here That the Pope does."
Something a little bit different!
Last year we did a tour which included Ireland.
We visited a place called Limerick. Limerick is also a form of poetry. Our tour director asked us all to write a limerick and he would read them out while we were all on the bus.He explained the rules which are as follows. A limerick consists of 5 lines.Lines 1, 2, and 5 must rhyme. Lines 3 and 4 must rhyme.
I thought I would give it a go so I wrote the following. However he did not read it out and I do not know why!
We sailed on the good ship Venus,By hell you should have seen us,The figurehead,Was a maiden in bed,Sucking a red hot p***s.
Cheers
Macca
As I mentioned in my previous post our tour director did not read out my limerick so I put pen to paper again and came up with the following.
There was a tour director named Dave,He was a bit of a knave,He was so silly,We nicknamed him Willy,And sent him to his grave.
A man was sorting out his will with his lawyer.
After finalizing everything there was $200 left over. His lawyer asked him what he would like to do with it.After careful consideration the man said that his funeral should stop at the pub between the service and the cemetery and everyone have a drink.His lawyer said spend $100 on the way out and $100 on the way back.The man though about this and said no! Spend $150 on the way out and $50 on the way back.
His lawyer asked why to which the man replied.
I won't be with them on the way back.
There once was a gentleman who had a glass eye. Every night before bed he would put his glass eye in a glass of water on his night stand. One time,in the wee hours of the morning, he woke up with a terrible thirst. Reaching for the glass of water he drank it, not realizing his glass eye was in it. The next morning he woke up with intense cramps in his belly. Quickly he dressed and went to his doctor. "Doc", he says, "I have this terrible pain in my belly". The doctor tells him to drop his draws and bend over. He does as the doctor says then was startled by this horrendous scream. "What happened doc? the man asked. Doctor replied,"I've examined many a butt hole before but this is the first time one stared back at me".
This is a true story
Many years ago there was a man who drank at the same pub as myself.He also had a glass eye. Whenever he needed to go to the toilet he would remove his glass eye and place it in his beer so no one would drink it.When he returned he would then remove the eye from his beer, wash it in his mouth and then replace it in his eye socket.
This is the truth.
PADDY'S FINGERS
Paddy was working at the fish plant in Cork when he accidentally cut off all 10 of his fingers.
He went to the emergency room in Cork's hospital.
The doctor looked at Paddy and said,'Lets be avin' da fingers and I'll see what oi can do'.
Paddy said, 'Oi haven't got da fingers.'
'Whadda ya mean you haven't got da fingers? Lord Tunderin' Jesus, it's 2016! We's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have put dem back on and made you like new! Why didn't ya bring da fingers?!?'
Paddy's reply . .
'How da fock was I 'spose to pick them up!!!
Man goes back to his girlfriends house after a night down the pub, girlfriend says be quiet my parents are asleep, boyfriend says I need to use the toilet, girlfriend says don't go upstairs you might wake my parents, go in the kitchen sink, my dad sometimes does when he's had a few and can't be bothered to go upstairs, girlfriend goes into the sitting room, after a few minutes she hears her boyfriend say, "got any toilet paper love"
The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him." You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Phil must have experienced. "Phil was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Phil's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place." Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Phil. "Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Phil is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely." All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say. A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Phil." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."
For 2 years a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.
One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, He paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.
If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.
To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back.
He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. 'Honey!' she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.'
'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said.
The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written: Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
Three with meatballs, two without. Send extra sauce.
OMG!!
Little boy gets home from school and says "Dad, I've got a part in the school play as a man who's been married for 25 years." His Dad replies "Never mind Son. Maybe next time you'll get a speaking part!!"
There are many great features available to you once you register, including:
Sign in or Create Account
