Ok, so I have been thinking, I need some laughs as I have been feeling down due to 1 so called daughter that thinks ripping her own cousin off is a good idea and stealing her cousins stuff and then trashing the place and leaving it stinking like a pigsty , my niece Louise has Parkinson's disease and is bringing up her 5 year old son and shes lost her hubby 5 months ago. I have been away since last Thursday helping Louise to get her house back in order after Bianca and her so called partner and new bub were forced out of Louise's home cos they stopped paying rent and when asked they refused so my niece had no choice but to take them to court to have them removed . and in the mean time Bianca lies to me and other family members as to where shes actually was living what I don't get is why Bianca had to be such a B*tch to do this to her family its so wrong yes I am mad, upset, and angry with her but my mind keeps telling me you can't do anything for her she has to fall rock bottom. this is where I need some laughs, I want you to hit me with all your best jokes so that it passes my day and I can feel happy again , as they say laughter is the best medicine .... anyway enough of this I need some laughs so get cracking you lot PLEASEEEE!!!!
A police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible drunk drivers.
At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then he sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.
Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away.
The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered a Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.
The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the designated decoy."
That's ok, I'm the designated legend in mine own mind.
Tired of constant blonde jokes, a blonde dyes her hair brown. She goes for a drive in the country and sees a shepherd herding his sheep across the road.
"Hey, shepherd, if I guess how many sheep are here, can I keep one?" she asks.
The shepherd agrees. She blurts out, "352!"
The shepherd is stunned but keeps his word and allows her to pick a sheep.
"I'll take this one," she says proudly. "It's the cutest!"
"Hey lady," says the shepherd. "If I guess your real hair color, can I have my dog back?"
A policeman was directing traffic at a busy intersection when he observed a blind man and his seeing-eye dog waiting to cross.To his horror, he watched as the seeing-eye dog bolted across the street, dragging the blind man behind him.On the other side of the road, the man pulled out a cookie and offered it to his dog.The officer ran to the blind man and said, "Don't you realize your dog could have killed you, and now you're going to reward him?"The blind man said to the policeman, "Why, no sir, I'm just trying to find out where his head is so I can kick his ass."
An 86 year old woman is clocked doing 120mph in an 80mph zone by a rookie cop who's still inexperienced and a little wet behind the ears. He pulls her over and asks for her license and registration.
"Sorry officer" she replied: "I don't have a license and the car isn't registered."
"Please check the glovebox" the officer insists: "your registration papers may be in there."
"Okay officer, as you say,"
The little old lady opens the glovebox and the officer spot a hand gun, to which he asks: "Madam, why do you have a concealed weapon in your glovebox and is it registered?"
"Sorry, officer, the gun is not registered... and that's why I shot my cheating husband with it."
"You shot your husband?" the shocked rookie asks.
"Yes, I shot him! And that's why I was speeding... so I could get his body out of the trunk and bury him someplace isolated."
"Your husband's body is in the trunk?" the now nervous and rookie asks.
Yup, the son of a bitch is in the trunk."
With that the rookie gets even more flustered and calls in to HQ, explains the situation and requests assistance from a more experienced officer. About 20 mins later a senior sergeant appears on the scene and consults with the rookie before questioning the old lady.
"I understand that you do not have a license or registration, is that true?"
"Why, officer, where would you get that idea? Of course I have a license and registration, here."
The old lady opens the glovebox and shows the sergeant her license and registration papers. While the glovebox is open, however, the sergeant notices the gun and asks if she has a permit.
"Why would I need a permit for a toy gun, officer?" the old lady responds: "My grandson forgot and left it in my car last time I drove him to play school."
"So you don't have the body of your husband in your trunk?" asks the sergeant:
"Of course not?" replies the indignant old lady: "Where would you get such an idea?"
"The officer who pulled you over says you do"
"I suppose, then, next thing he'll tell you is that I was speeding?"
Mick walks into Paddy's barn and catches him dancing naked in front of a tractor. Mick says, "Oi Paddy, what ya doing?" Paddy says, "Well me and Mary haven't been getting on in the bedroom lately & the therapist recommended I do something sexy to a tractor."
My husband and i were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theatre. Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a 'night light' and the answering machine, then put the cat in the backyard. When our cab arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat scooted between our legs inside, then ran up the stairs. Because our cat likes to chase our budgie we really didn't want to leave them unchaperoned so my husband ran inside to retrieve her and put her in the back yard again.
Because i didn't want the taxi driver to know our house was going to be empty all evening, i explained to him that my husband would be out momentarily as he was just bidding goodnight to my mother. A few minutes later he got into the cab all hot and bothered, and said (to my growing horror and amusement) as the cab pulled away.
"Sorry it took so long but the stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and i had to poke her arse with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so i grabbed her by the neck and wrapped her in a blanket so she wouldn't scratch me like she did last time. But it worked! I hauled her fat arse down the stairs and threw her into the backyard....she had better not shit in the vegetable garden again."
The silence in the taxi was deafening.....
A teacher was teaching her second grade class about the government, so for homework that one day, she told her her students to ask their parents what the government is.
When Little Johnny got home that day, he went up to his dad and ask his what the government was.
His dad thought for a while and answered, ''Look at it this way: I'm the president, your mom is Congress, your maid is the work force, you are the people and your baby brother is the future.''
''I still don't get it'' responded the Little Johnny.
''Why don't you sleep on it then? Maybe you'll understand it better,'' said the dad.
''Okay then...good night'' said Little Jonny went off to bed. In the middle of the night, Little Johnny was awakened by his baby brother's crying. He went to his baby brother's crib and found that his baby brother had taken a crap in his diaper. So Little Johnny went to his parent's room to get help. When he got to his parent's bedroom, he looked through the keyhole to check if his parents were asleep. Through the keyhole he saw his mom loudly snoring, but his dad wasn't there. So he went to the maid's room. When he looked through the maid's room keyhole, he saw his dad having sex with his maid. Little Johnny was surprised, but then he just realized something and thinks aloud, ''OH!! Now I understand the government! The President is screwing the work force, Congress is fast asleep, nobody cares about the people, and the future is full of s**t!''
The reason there are so many Irish jokes is because the Irish have a quaint way with words.
Like the Irish patient who hobbled into the doctor’s waiting room. “I hope to God the doctor finds something wrong with me because I’d hate to feel like this if I was well!”
Murphy dropped dead the moment he arrived home from a vacation in the tropics. He was laid out in the coffin for friends and neighbours to pay their last respects. “He’s got a great tan,” Mrs Doolan from next door mused. “The holiday did him the world of good.” “And he looks so calm and serene,” said Mrs McGuiness. “That’s because he died in his sleep.” explained Mrs Murphy, “and he doesn’t know he’s dead yet, but when he wakes up, the shock will kill him!”
“Your glass is empty O’Flaherty, will you be having another?” “And why would I be wanting two empty glasses?” replied O’Flaherty.
Murphy arrived home late from the pub, well oiled and ready for trouble. “Is that you Murphy?” called his wife. “Byjasis! It damned well better be!”
Two tough union men were working on a building site when Murphy fell from the second floor scaffolding. “Are ya dead?” cried Gallagher from above. “To be sure I am,” replied Murphy. “You are such a liar Murphy that I don’t know whether to believe you or not!” called Gallagher. “That proves I’m dead,” said Murphy’s voice from the rubble below, “because if I was alive you wouldn’t be game to call me a liar!”
Paddy and Seamus were hitchhiking. “It’s best if we split up,” said Paddy. “I will meet you in the next city under the town hall clock”. Later that night Seamus was waiting at the appointed place when Paddy drove up in a swank car. “Where the hell did you get that?” Paddy explained that he had just walked a little way when a beautiful woman picked him up. She drove into the woods, got out and took all her clothes off. “She said I could have anything I wanted, so I took the car,” said Paddy. “Good choice too,” said Seamus. “You’d look ridiculous in her clothes.”
Paddy was coming through the customs at the airport carrying a large bottle. “What have you there?” said a suspicious customs officer. “Tis Lourdes holy water. I am bringing it home with me”, said Paddy. The officer took the bottle and tried some. “Why it’s Irish whiskey.” He spluttered. “Lord bless me!” said Paddy, “another bloomin`miracle.”
I’ve decided to disconnect my home alarm system, and un-register from the Neighborhood Watch Program.
As of yesterday I’ve got two Pakistani flags raised in the front yard, one at each corner, and the black flag of ISIS hanging from my garage door.
The Police, MI5, MI6, FBI, CIA, NASA, and US Secret Service are all watching my house 24/7.
I’ve never felt safer, and I’m saving £54.95 a month.
I cannot believe I did not think of this before!
This elderly chap planted potatoes on his 4 acre property every year. His son ploughed the ground. But this year the son was in prison. Dad sent the son a letter, saying he could not proceed on his own, and did the son have any ideas. The son sent back a letter saying, “Hey dad, don’t dig up the ground. That’s where I buried the bodies”. The next morning, 200 police arrived at the property, carrying picks and shovels, and dug up every square centimetre. They found nothing, and left. The son sent dad another letter, saying, “Dad, you can go ahead with the planting now. That’s all I can do to help”.
3 Surgeons
Three surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on .
* First surgeon said Electricians are the best, everything inside is color coded.!!
* The second says, " No I think librarians are everything inside them is in alphabetical order"
* The third surgeon shut them all up when he said : " You're all wrong . Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine. Plus the head and ass are interchangeable.
Truth to tell.
Chinese Sick Leave
Ho Chow calls into work and say, 'Hey, I no come into work today, I really sick.
Got Head ache, stomach ache, and legs hurt, I no come to work '
The boss says, 'You know something Ho Chow, I really need you today .
When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and ask her for sex.
That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that,'
Two Hours later Ho Chow calls again. ' I do what you say and I feel great . I be at work soon....
You got nice house.
Shortly it will become compulsory for senior citizens to carry not only their ID, but also their insurance documents, their prescription list, a compact version of their medical file, the statement declaring if they want to be resuscitated after a heart attack, stroke, etc. etc. Consequently, a lot of paperwork will have to be carried when a senior citizen goes out the front door OR when they travel! Specifically for this purpose, a special “Senior USB Stick” has been developed. Take a look below….
Wow! Two Bites of information. Blue Tooth technology to fit your lifestyle. Expanded Memory can be arranged.
" /> Something to chew on.
Golf Party
The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.
'Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?', Ole demanded.
'Well' she said, 'you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.'
The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear.'
Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies. 'Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers Why not?'
She replies, 'I can't afford any on the money you give me.'
Patrick reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear"!
Lastly,Hamish, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.
'Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where ta friggin hell are yer drawers?' She too explains, 'You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any.'
Hamish, the Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, 'Well, fer the love'o decency, here's a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit.'
Confucius Say: No such thing as rape!
Woman with dress up runs faster than man with pants down!
Macca
An elderly lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat tight so that it would not blow away in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said, "Pardon me, madam.. I do not intend to be forward but did you know
that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"
"Yes, I know," said the lady. "I need both my hands to hold onto this hat."
"But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties and your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.
The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied,
"Sir, anything you see down there is 75 years old.
I just bought this hat yesterday!"
WELL IT IS SUNDAY
God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day.
He inquired, --- "Where have you been?"
God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds,---- "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, ---- "What is it?"
"It's a planet," --- replied God, --- and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test 'Balance.'"
"Balance?" --- inquired Michael, ---- "I'm still confused."
God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth.
"For example,northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over here I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things..."
God continued pointing to different countries. --- "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a heart shapedisland and said, --- "What's that one?"
"That's TASMANIA , the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful trees and gardens, a beautiful river, and days filled with sunshine. The people from TASMANIA are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of good things."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, --- "But what about balance, God? You said there would be 'balance.'"
God smiled, --- "I will create Canberra, Wait till you see the idiots I'll put there."...............
Back in the day, when they stamped each can in the grocery store with a sticker price, there was a store employee doing just that. Standing in the aisle next to him was a lady trying to figure out what she wanted. The employee smelled that this lady had let a silent bomb escape from her ass. Quite annoyed at her indescretion, he said to her, "Wait 'til you see the prices, lady. You'll s**t!"
While playing in the backyard, Little Johnny kills a honeybee. His father sees him killing the honeybee and angrily says, "No honey for you for one month!"Later that afternoon, Johnny's dad catches him tearing the wings off a butterfly. "That's it! No butter for you for one month!" says his dad.Later that evening as Johnny's mother cooks dinner, a cockroach run across the kitchen floor. She jumps and stomps on it, and then looks up to find Little Johnny and her husband watching her.Little Johnny looks at his father and says, "Are you going to tell her, Dad, or do you want me to?"
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