Ok, so I have been thinking, I need some laughs as I have been feeling down due to 1 so called daughter that thinks ripping her own cousin off is a good idea and stealing her cousins stuff and then trashing the place and leaving it stinking like a pigsty , my niece Louise has Parkinson's disease and is bringing up her 5 year old son and shes lost her hubby 5 months ago. I have been away since last Thursday helping Louise to get her house back in order after Bianca and her so called partner and new bub were forced out of Louise's home cos they stopped paying rent and when asked they refused so my niece had no choice but to take them to court to have them removed . and in the mean time Bianca lies to me and other family members as to where shes actually was living what I don't get is why Bianca had to be such a B*tch to do this to her family its so wrong yes I am mad, upset, and angry with her but my mind keeps telling me you can't do anything for her she has to fall rock bottom. this is where I need some laughs, I want you to hit me with all your best jokes so that it passes my day and I can feel happy again , as they say laughter is the best medicine .... anyway enough of this I need some laughs so get cracking you lot PLEASEEEE!!!!
Man sunbaking in the nude does the right thing and covers his private parts with his hat.
Woman walks past and says! Sir if you were a gentleman you would raise you hat.
Man replies! Lady if you were pretty it would raise itself.
Several players on the footy team decided that wearing G-strings gave them a tan everywhere except their tockleys, and that they would go to the beach to tan just those parts by burying themselves in the sand and leave their just tockleys showing. A while later a couple of spinsters are walking by and the first one says: "Well, would you look at that... penises everywhere!"
The second spinster says: "Yeah, they've been scarce as buggery for years and years on end, now they're out here growing in the wild."
Farmer John
Farmer John once lived on a quiet rural highway but as time went by, the traffic slowly built up and eventually got so heavy and so fast that his free range chickens were being run over, at a rate of three to six a week.
So Farmer John called the local police station to complain, "You've got to do something about all these people driving so fast and killing all my chickens," he said to the local police officer.
"What do you want me to do?" asked the policeman.
"I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!"
So the next day the policeman had the Council erect a sign that said:
SCHOOL CROSSING
Three days later Farmer John called the policeman and said, "You've still got to do something about these drivers. The ‘school crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster!"
So again, they put up a new sign:
SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY.
That really sped them up. So Farmer John called and said, "Your signs are no good. Can I put up my own sign?"
In order to get Farmer John off his back said "Sure. Put up your own sign.
The phone calls to the Police Station stopped, but curiosity got the better of the Officer, so he called Farmer John, “How’s the problem with the speeding drivers. did you put up your sign?"
"Oh, I sure did and not one chicken has been killed.
The policeman was really curious and thought he'd better go out and take a look at the sign. He also thought the sign might be something the Police could use elsewhere, to slow drivers down..
So he drove out to Farmer John's house.
His jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign.
'NUDIST COLONY' 'Slow down chicks crossing!!!
Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite - All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.
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A man boarded an aeroplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized that she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “business trip or pleasure?”
She turned, smiled and said, “business, I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of Australia Convention in Brisbane."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your business at this convention?”
“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”
“Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are they?”
“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it's Scotsmen who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina are the Australians.
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name.”
“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto McTavish but my friends call me Cobber".
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Two Irishmen were waiting at the bus stop when a truck
went past loaded up with rolls of turf.
Jimmy said, "I'm gonna do dat when I win da lottery."
"What's dat den?" asks Mikey.
"Send me lawn away to be mowed."
**********************************
A woman driving along at speed passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk & asked, 'What's your hurry?' She replied, 'I'm late for work.' 'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?' 'I'm a Rectum Stretcher,' she responded. The cop stammered, 'A what?............ 'A Rectum Stretcher!' 'And just what does a rectum stretcher do?' 'Well,' she said, 'I start by inserting one finger in the rectum, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet' 'And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot arsehole?' he asked 'You give him a radar gun & park him behind a bridge...'
A couple is celebrating their 30 years anniversary of marriage. The husband asks his wife:- We have grown 12 kids. But Johnny is different from the rest. Please, tell me honestly, I will forgive you, but I wanna know – maybe you have cheated on me?The wife replies:- Yes, I did. Johnny is your real son...
ahhhh so funny doc
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they laid down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies, and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?" Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "It tells me that someone has stolen our tent."
A little girl and a little boy were at day care one day. The girlapproaches the boy and says, "Hey Tommy, want to play house?"
He says, "Sure! What do you want me to do?"
The girl replies, "I want you to communicate your feelings."
"Communicate my feelings?" said a bewildered Tommy. "I have no ideawhat that means."
The little girl smirks and says, "Perfect. You can be the husband."
Petros was a Greek immigrant man who had worked all his of life, had saved all of his money and was a real 'miser' when it came to his money.Just before he died, he said to his Greek wife... "Voula, when I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the after-life with me."And so he persuaded Voula to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died, she would put all of the money into the casket with him.Well, he died. Petros was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there - dressed in black, (what else) and her best friend Tasia, was sitting next to her.When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertaker got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "wait just a moment!"Voula put a small metal box into the casket. Then the undertaker locked the casket down and they rolled it away...So her friend said, "Voula!, I know you weren't foolish enough to put all that money in there with him!.""Listen" Voula said, "I'm a Greek Orthodox wife & I cannot go back on my word. I promised Petros that I was going to put that money in the casket with him." "You are telling me you put that money in the casket with him!?!?!?""I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account, and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, then he can spend it."
One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asked about his bill and the barber replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop.When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door..Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The cop is happy and leaves the shop.The next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.Later that day, a college professor comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The professor is very happy and leaves the shop.The next morning when the barber opens his shop, there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen different books, such as 'How to Improve Your Business' and 'Becoming More Successful.'Then, a Member of Parliament comes in for a haircut , and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Member of Parliament is very happy and leaves the shop.The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut.And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the Members of Parliament
Angus was dying and he said to his best mate Jock! As they lower me into the ground would you pour a bottle of whisky over the coffin.
Jock replied! Aye Angus I would do that but would you mind if I passed it through my kidneys first.
Macca
Some Irish Distillery workers go to a workmates place to inform his wife that he died in an industrial accident: "Look, Mrs O'Donnell, we're sorry to tell you that your husband died at work today."
"What happened to the silly bugger, get drunk and walk in front of a forklift or something?"
"No, ma-am, he fell into a vat of 12 year old Jameson and drowned."
"Well I just hope that he didn't suffer at all."
'No ma-am, he got out 3 time fer a piss."
.............................................................
They cremated him, ya know.... silly buggers.... took 3 days and 4 fire units to put out the fire.
A cop stops a Harley for travelling faster than the posted speed limit, sohe asks the biker his name.
'Fred,' he replies.
'Fred what?' the officer asks.
'Just Fred,' the man responds.
The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker abreak and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer thenpresses him for the last name.
The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. Theofficer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tellme, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'
The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born FredDingaling. I know -- a funny last name. The kids used to tease me allthe time, so I stayed to myself, studied hard and got good grades. When I gotolder, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college,medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I wasFred Dingaling, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so Idecided to go back to school.. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way throughschool, got my degree, so then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS. Got boreddoing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and shegave me VD, so now I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS, with VD. Well, the ADAfound out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Dingaling,MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS becauseof the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD.Then the VD took away my Dingaling, so now I am Just Fred.'
A guy walks into a bar with an alligator on a leash. The bartender says; "you can't bring that wild animal into this bar". The man says; "he is perfectally docile and I an prove it". The bartender tells him that if he can prove it. the alagator can stay. So, the guy puts the alagator on top of several bar stools, opens his mouith, takes out his "who-ha" and places it in the alaghators mouth. He then takes out a large wooden block from his pocket, and wacks the alagator over the head several times. He then opens the alagators mouth, and withdraws his who-ha, and asks the bartender; "do you see any bite or teath marks?". The bar tender says" " thats' amaizinging".........does anyone else want to try this?". A guy at the end of the bar says "I would, as long as he doesn't hit me too hard over the head with that stick".
A man goes to a $10 hooker and contracts crabs.
When he goes back to complain, the hooker laughs and says, "What do you expect for $10 -- lobster?"
A crook mistakenly made a counterfeit $8 bill instead of a $10 bill. He decided to try it out anyway, so he went to the bank and asked for change.
The teller looked at the $8 bill and gave the crook two $4 bills as change.
A man working with an electric saw accidentally cuts off all of his fingers. At the emergency room, his doctor says, "Give me the fingers, and I'll see what I can do."
The injured man replies, "But I don't have the fingers!"
"Why didn't you bring them?" the doctor asks.
The injured man responds, "Doc, I couldn't pick them up."
Bill Gates goes to purgatory.St. Peter says, "Now Bill, you have done some good things, and you have done some bad things. Now I am going to let you decide where you want to go".First, St. Peter shows Bill an image of Hell with beautiful women running on beaches. Then, St Peter shows Bill an image of Heaven with robed angels playing harps on clouds.Bill chooses Hell.About a week later, St. Peter checks in on Bill in Hell and finds him being whipped by demons.Bill says to St. Peter, "What happened to all the beautiful women and the beaches?"St. Peter replies, "That was just the screen saver."
An old couple celebrates their 50th wedding anniversary in their home."Just think," the old man says, "we were sitting here at this same breakfast table, naked as jaybirds, 50 years ago.""Well," the old lady snickers, "what do you say -- should we get naked?"The two immediately strip to the buff and sit back down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady says slyly, "My breasts burn for you now as they did 50 years ago.""I'm not surprised," replies the old man. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!"
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