Ok, so I have been thinking, I need some laughs as I have been feeling down due to 1 so called daughter that thinks ripping her own cousin off is a good idea and stealing her cousins stuff and then trashing the place and leaving it stinking like a pigsty , my niece Louise has Parkinson's disease and is bringing up her 5 year old son and shes lost her hubby 5 months ago. I have been away since last Thursday helping Louise to get her house back in order after Bianca and her so called partner and new bub were forced out of Louise's home cos they stopped paying rent and when asked they refused so my niece had no choice but to take them to court to have them removed . and in the mean time Bianca lies to me and other family members as to where shes actually was living what I don't get is why Bianca had to be such a B*tch to do this to her family its so wrong yes I am mad, upset, and angry with her but my mind keeps telling me you can't do anything for her she has to fall rock bottom. this is where I need some laughs, I want you to hit me with all your best jokes so that it passes my day and I can feel happy again , as they say laughter is the best medicine .... anyway enough of this I need some laughs so get cracking you lot PLEASEEEE!!!!
Hamish, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Hamish walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Hamish and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?' Hamish replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'' The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'
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MIKE AND HIS BOAT
Bob walks into a bar and sees Mike sitting at the end of the bar with a great big smile on his face. Bob says, 'Mike, what are you so happy for?'
'Well Bob, I gotta tell ya.. Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat, and a redhead came up to me.. Tits out to here, Bob. Tits out to here! She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat'? I said 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Bob. I turned off the key and I said' It's either screw or swim! She couldn't swim, Bob. She couldn't swim!"
The next day Bob walks into a bar and sees Mike sitting at the end of the bar with a even bigger smile on his face. Bob says, 'What are you happy about today Mike?' 'Well Bob.... I gotta tell ya.. Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat and a BEAUTIFUL blond came up to me...tits out to here, Bob. Tits out to here! She said 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' I told her 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Bob. Way out much further than the last one. I turned off the key and I said, It's either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim, Bob! She couldn't swim!'
A couple days pass and Bob walks into a bar and sees Mike cryin over a beer. Bob says, 'Mike, what are you so sad for?'
'Well Bob, I gotta tell ya .... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat, and the most desirable brunette came up to me...tits WAY out to here, Bob. Tits WAY out to here. She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' So I said, 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat. So I took her way out, Bob, way WAY out.. Much further than the last two I turned off the key, and looked at her tits and said It's either screw or swim!' She pulled down her pants and .....
She had a pecker, BOB! She had this great BIG F*****g pecker!...And I can't swim BOB! I can't swim!"
AN IRISHMAN AND THE MERCEDES
On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his Mercedes into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The pump attendant who knows absolutely nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is. "Top of the mornin' toyer, sir" says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick, 'hello' and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground. "What be those?" asks the attendant. "They're called tees," replies Tiger. "Well, what on this God's earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman. "They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving," says Tiger. "Fookin Jaysus," says the Irishman, "Mercedes think of everything!"
10 Catholic Priests were killed in a road accident. At the Pearly Gates St Peter says “If any of you are Paedophiles you can bugger off down to Hell.” Nine of them start to walk away when St Peter calls out “take this deaf bastard with you.”
The Talking Centipede
A single guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet.
So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.
After some discussion, he finally bought a talking centipede, which came in a little white box to use for his house.
He took the box back home, found a good spot for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the pub for a drink with him.
So he asked the centipede
in the box, "Would you like to go down the pub with me today? We will have a good time."
But there was no answer from his new pet.
This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked again, "How about going down the pub with me ?"
But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.
The guy decided to invite the centipede one last time.
This time he put his face up against the centipede ' s box and shouted,
"Hey, in there! Would you like to go to the pub with me?
This time, a little voice came out of the box,
"I heard you the first time!
I 'm putting my bloody shoes on!"
The Recession
Bloody hell.. Our stocks have crashed, we get 2% on any fixed deposits, our Superannuation is stuffed.. Turnbull and Morrison are running round looking up their arses for things to tax/save for the upcoming budget. Woe, woe, This recession is hitting everybody really hard.
Things couldn’t be much worse:
Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can't afford batteries.
CEOs are now playing miniature golf.
Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.
I saw a Mormon with only one wife.
If the bank returns your cheque marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.
McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.
Parents in Toorak fired their nannies and learned their children's names.
My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!
A truckload of Germans was caught sneaking into Syria
A picture is now only worth 200 words.
When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.
The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.
And, finally...
I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline.
I got a call centre in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.
Wife: "Do you think my arse looks fat in this new dress?"
Husband: "Well put it this way, dear, Kim Kardashian could pull it off, you don't."
That's when the fight started.
..........................................................
A wife asks her husband why he insists that the light is off while they make love.
Husband: "I sorry, love, but whenever you asked for it I'd turn off the light and reach under my side of the bed and fetch out this dildo that I've been using instead of for several years now."
Wife: "Well I too have a confession."
Husband: "And pray tell what that could be?"
Wife: "When I found the dildo under the bed and figutred out what you were doing with it, I decided to let the milkman in each morning after you went to work... been doing it for several years now."
.....................................................
A neglected wife goes out and gets a nice negligee and some crotchless panties in the hope of spicing up their sex life, so that evening she takes a bath, dabs a little perfume behind her ears and dons the negligee and crotchless panties. After dinner they're sitting on the couch when she lifts her leg, turns toward the hubby and asks: "Hey honey, you want some of this?"
Husband: "Like bloody hell I do, look what it's done to yer knickers."
This is the dirtiest joke in the world.
Ready...
A white horse fell in the mud.
*I know...lame*
lol
A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.
The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman from the assembly line throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire plant behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides that he should see this for himself so the two men march down to the factory floor.
When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Elmo's all over the floor and they're really beginning to pile up.
At the end of the line stands the new employee. She has a roll of red plush fabric and a big bag of marbles.
The men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to sew the little package between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches the woman.
"I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "I think you misunderstood me yesterday... your job is to give each Elmo two test tickles."
Judge: "So how do you plead to incest with your 1st cousin Daisy Lee, guilty or not guilty?"
Redneck: "Not guilty, yer honner!"
Judge: "So let me get this straight. You admit to having sex with your 1st cousin, Daisy Lee, but you're pleading not guilty?"
Redneck: "That's right yer honner! Not guilty!"
Judge: "So what you're saying is that you're not guilty because your 1st cousin, Daisy Lee, was freely putting out?"
Redneck: "Yes yer honner, it makes me guilty of outsest... not incest.
A 5 Year old girl is usually driven to school every day by her Grandpa
but when he had a bad cold, Granny drove her instead.
That night the little girl told her parents that the ride to school with granny was very different.
What made it different ? asked her parents.
Oh, she said. Granny and I didn't see a single
tosser,blind bastard, foreign prick, or wanker
anywhere on the way to school today
The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough!
It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it?
Death! What's that... a bonus?
I think the life cycle is all backwards.
You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old folks home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work.
You work for forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.
You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school.
You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating... and you finish off as an orgasm!
The WOWSER! at the end might make it worth a shot.
A wife comes home late one night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband's two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. He says, "Hi darling, your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?"
omg so funny
A lady comes home from her doctor's appointment grinning from ear to ear. Her husband asks, "Why are you so happy?" The wife says, "The doctor told me that for a forty-five year old woman, I have the breasts of a eighteen year old." "Oh yeah?" quipped her husband, "What did he say about your forty-five year old ass?" She said, "Your name never came up in the conversation."
A man buys a lie detector robot that slaps people who lie. He decides to test it at dinner. He asks his son, "Son, where were you today during school hours?" "At school." The robot slaps the son. "Okay, I went to the movies!" The father asks, "Which one?" "Harry Potter." The robot slaps the son again. "Okay, I was watching porn!" The father replies, "What? When I was your age I didn't even know what porn was!" The robot slaps the father. The mom chimes in, "Haha! After all, he is your son!" The robot slaps the mother.
A doctor reaches into his smock to get a pen to write a prescription and pulls out a rectal thermometer. "Oh, damn it," he proclaims, "Some asshole has my pen!"
Very Good wizard, I loved them
Two older women were fussing about their husbands over tea one day."I do wish my Leroy would stop biting his nails. That makes me terribly nervous," the first one said."Oh, my Elmer used to do the same thing," the other woman commented. "But I broke him of that habit real quick.""What did you do?""I hid his teeth."
A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it's still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner, so that night, she does just that. About a week later, she’s back at the doctor, where she says, "Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It wasn't five minutes later that he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off, and ravaged me right there on the table!" The doctor says, "I’m sorry, we didn’t realize the pill was that strong! The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages." "Nah," she says, "that's okay. We're never going back to that restaurant anyway.
Adam was waiting for his wife to return home from her shopping trip when his doorbell rings. When he opened the door, there were two grim-faced police officers standing there. "Can we come in, sir?" asks one of them."Of course," replies Adam.They came in and he shut the door. "How can I help you?" asked Adam."Do you have a photo of your wife we could look at?" asked one of the officers.Of course I have," replies Adam. "Why do you want to see it?""Could we please see the photo first," said the other officer, "and then we'll tell you why."Adam got a recent photo and showed it to them. The police officers studied it carefully, then one of them said to Adam, "I'm sorry sir, but we have to inform you that it looks like your wife got hit by a truck."Without thinking, Adam replied, "I've known that ever since I met her, but she makes up for it with a great sense of humor!"
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