yesterday i had a visit from the cold case police informing me that they had a suspect and want me to go to court and try and get a conviction.
20 yrs ago a stranger broke into my flat raped and tortured me at knifepoint and then hounded me day and night for 7 months trying to get in and kill me. i had police come but he was never caught. now they have found him due to new dna techniques. i have never been so distraught in my life and was on the floor shaking and sobbing, it was as if it had just happened. he ruined my life and still 20 yrs on fills me with fear. i have to go to court and face a dreadful ordeal coz i need closure. he may not be convicted coz i am gonna be judged for what i am and my lifestyle. i have tried for years to find forgiveness in my heart but i cant, its so painful and living alone i had no one to comfort me. i had to run to my doctor who thankfully has sedated me as i dont know what i would have done.
the police were very kind and are going to support me through this coming ordeal, i may have to be moved for my safety away from my home and friends. yesterday i felt so alone and afraid. i am still trying to find a way to forgive but its difficult. i dont have any faith which i know helps some ppl, my life has been too full of abuse and pain to even hope there is a god looking out for me. i am not writing this coz i want sympathy i just dont want to be alone.
i am back living in fear and cant stop crying and shaking, how can one person do this to me? i may not be an avergage person but i am human and have feelings. all my life i have tried to stop others suffereing what i have endured, but forgiveness is so hard.
Thank you for the kind sentiment, it is appreciated. However, I am fine now and I have fully healed, both physically and emotionally and I'm coping well with life and what it throws at me.
I won't say that I'm mentally together, though. I Know that I'm a bit of a nut job with a few screws loose, but I'll blame that on the tap on the head.
Yeah, one was fitted after I complained about water on the brain.
Now this is not something they should be withholding from you. It's not like you're asking for an address so you can send around a hitman, so the police should at least give you some kind of assurance that he is not in a position to do further harm to anyone. Therefore, if I were you, I would calmly and politely be seeking answers: that at least, if he is not imprisoned, that he is not living locally and is in no position whatsoever to make contact with you.
The police owe you that much. If, however, the police are not forthcoming, perhaps the prosecutor is the person to ask... given that you are his witness and your peace of mind is imperative to the case. I don't know how the law works in the UK anymore because I've not been there for over 40 years now, but I'm trying to offer some assistance based on Australian law, which is still very similar. Hopefully I've given you some helpful thoughts here.
Given the circumstances, I think you have a more than valid reason not to be pressured by them to find work... and certainly not in a profession such as nursing, where patient care could adversely be affected by your distracted state of mind. Work at some point would be therapeutic and beneficial, but at this time I believe your primary goal should be taking care of yourself, preparing for the upcoming court case, seeing justice done, then healing so you are feeling good within yourself and are better equipped to be gainfully employed.
This is quite understandable and quite expected in the circumstance. However, you can take some control by seeking those answers, if not from the police, then the prosecutor. I also suggest that you speak with your doctor, not necessarily to seek medication, but to speak of your fears, concerns and difficulties. Your doctor may suggest a course of medication to assist you through the most difficult times, but just speaking with somebody such as a doctor face to face can and should lift a whole load off your shoulders.
Just remember, chin up, okay. You are in my thoughts.
was watching a repeat of Enough Rope with Andrew Denton last week.... don't know if you get it over there at all or not.... had my fave Billy Crystal on..... the surprise was.... the woman who came after him.... a woman named Alison.... absolutely jaw dropping story that I found incredibly inspirational..... I hope you can take something from it too....
sorry I couldn't find the whole thing in video..... but.. listen to the audio first.... for the complete interview...then go to the video excerpt... which is just of the last section...
at the bottom of the right column... 'Also In This Episode'.... it also gives her email address.... if you felt like writing her...
Here is her website... http://www.alison.co.za/
Have a look at 'About Alison'..... and there is also a 'Contact's' page there....
you may be able to find her books in your local library..... something to keep the courage fed while you go through the waiting process for court...
just an amazing story..... if this woman doesn't inspire you..... .....
well the police are now coming on thurs, i hope they will b able to answer my questions and reassure me he is not a danger to me. they did tell me b4 that i was safe, but i dont feel it.
if only we cld buy strength and courage from a shop - i am dealing with each day as it comes, i have told my doctor that i am having thoughts of ending it-he has referred me 2 a counsellor. am trying to focus ahead and think about re-building my life. my friends near me and here have been a comfort. just need to get thru the next stage and do my best
You'd be surprised what you can do once you set your mind to it. Be strong and believe in yourself. You are your greatest strength and no power on Earth can ever take that from you. Never forget, the Man upstairs knows what he's doing. Take that to heart.
Glad you took our advice. The very fact you are thinking about rebuilding suggests you've excluded harming yourself.
I've got the flu, so I won't be around much. Good luck with all this, and realize it will come to an end with his imprisonment.
"As for you my fine friend, you're a victim of disorganized thinking. You are under the unfortunate delusion that simply because you run away from danger, you have no courage. You're confusing courage with wisdom. Back where I come from, we have men who are called heros. Once a year they take their fortitude out of moth balls and parade it down the main street of the city, and they have no more courage than you have, BUT they have one thing that you haven't got. A medal.
Therefore, for meritorious conduct, extraordinary valor, conspicuous bravery against wicked witches, I award you, the triple cross. You are now a member of the legion of courage." - The Wizard of Oz
...but seriously, Lou...you have more courage than most people I've ever met. You live each day as the person who you are, without facades or phoniness, AND you're facing the task of rebuilding your life. I don't think you could get much more courage without the risk of becoming foolhardy. Your everyday courage is an example to us all!
Right on, Karen, that's exactly right. I had to rebuild after I was assaulted, but that pales in comparison to what Lou was and still is confronted with, and that is why I have such respect and admiration for her.
And Lou, don't let anyone tell you any different. Like I said earlier in the piece, your courage is immeasurable because you fought through the adversity and continue to fight to rebuild your life. It is an achievement that took strength, determination and guts, so be proud and hold your head up high.
Peace and love be with you , Loukeeya, peace and love
to me you are all generous and big hearted ppl, thoughtful and supportive and words cant express how it feels for me who has not had much kindness in my life.
i know this is gonna sound silly but the main thing stopping me taking my life is my 2 cats - to me they are my world, they love me without condition and i couldnt bear the thought of them suffering coz of me. yes they are just cats, but they mean so much more-they have not left my side and the support i have received here as well is just making it that little bit easier to try and get thru.
You'll be just fine.
"Rock Lobster" Family Guy!!!! and finished with a pat on the shoulder and a soothing, yeah, you'll be just fine. OMG LMAO
The best right?
Nothing about you Uvah. It reminded me of it.
today i have been so angry, i dont often get angry but i am well and truly angry. am not angry at the situation but i am abgry at my council housing office. for 8 yrs my bathroom ceiling been falling down, when its raining i have to use an umbrella to have a bath! i got so angry today and took photos and am gonna shame them-i reported it in 2001/2 and they sent some workman round to fix the window, i pointed to the hole in the ceiling and said what window? have heard nothing since despite writing and phoning so now i have had enough. they let me down 20 yrs ago by not moving me to safety, now they think its ok to let me live here with a ceiling that cld crash down on me at anytime.
ok, i am avoiding coz the police coming 2moro but its giving me something else to focus on
Angry always gets me through the hard times, but it's rough on my family and Doc tells me it's not good for my health, either. It certainly helps to focus that restless energy on something productive, like getting the ceiling fixed. You GO, Girl!
Anger can be a good thing if you can focus it on the area it needs to be and it doesn't get out of control. If you remain in control and your anger drives you to resolve issues that need fixing, then it is a positive thing. And in your situation, Lou, it is a good thing to have a distraction to focus on besides the immediate. So yeah, you shame the bastards and fight to get your ceiling fixed.
One thing I don't get, though, if you're in the bath and already wet, why do you need an umbrella????
Oh, and do you know what I do when I'm angry, which is usually when I can't get my puter to do something I want it to?
I let off a great big exceedingly long chain of f-word and b-word expletives, mixed with a load of "damn and bugger its", until I run short of breath.
After that I always feel much better and can focus better, having let off a load steam.
when i am in the wet bath i have to hold the umbrella to stop rain and bits of plaster falling on me
That's just wrong! I'd be pitching a fit with my landlord if mine looked like that...and she certainly wouldn't be getting a rent paid either till it was fixed!
Yeah, I guessed it'd be something to do with bits of ceiling falling on you.... but hey, the idea was to get you to laugh a bit, and the grinning smiley suggests I may have succeeded. It's said that laughter is the best medicine, so I hope so.
Yeah, that's pretty disgusting orright. If I had an issue like that I'd sure as hell jack up paying rent until it was fixed. And it's council housing? I'd be publicly shaming that authority quick smartly.... in the newspapers, on TV... even if I had to stand stark bollock naked between two billboard in the middle of Piccadilly Circus at peak hour.
I think they're going to have to fix the roof, and perhaps the wiring, before they fix the ceiling, because without the CAUSE of the leak getting fixed, that ceiling is just going to get all cracked again; it sure looks like a safety hazard, with water mixing with wiring that close to the light fixture.
starkers u did make me smile, even i have to chuckle when i picture myself having a very quick bath clutching an umbrella.
well, a quick update on the other matter. i am the only victim according to the police and the dna results. the officers are now going round the country going over statements from the original police team and police doctor plus my former bf and flatmate. reading the statement again was just awful, i had blocked out so much of the details-it made me sick to my stomach. but i am determined to see it thru even tho they tell me it cld b nxt summer b4 a trial.
Yeah I got a chuckle out of picturing that myself.
Orright, I lied! I fell about laughing.... especially at the bit where you change hands to wash the other armpit and the brolly slips down on top of you because your hand is soapy and you can't get a grip on it,
Hehe, that's bloody hilarious... and something I can imagine Basil Fawlty doing.
Yes, you need to follow it through, as it will help to bring closure and enable you to move forward. You've already come a long way, and it's just a little further, but you will make it, I know.
here i am again, back in despair. today i saw my specialist officer to go over the statement from 20 yrs ago. i cringed with shame reading it, i had said the most stupid things so have to explain why i said what i said. i am totally exhausted and panic attacks becoming more frequent, i got home today and i just wished i could die. my friends say b strong, i have tried but i just cant seem to get past the horror and shame and guilt. i just want some peace. i am isolated, no phone, no credit on mobile and internet payg will go by 2moro. benefit ppl not paid me since last wed so no food either which is not helping. it all just seems to be more stress, the bathroom, the rape, no money and me feeling like i am gonna explode
First thing, there is no shame or guilt when you are the victim, none whatsoever. The shame and guilt belongs solely to the perpetrator, and nobody else.
Secondly, you may have said some out of character things when making your statement, but you had very recently suffered a major trauma, and that is all you need to consider there. If anything is not quite what you would normally say, that is quite understandable and nothing to stress about. If the police are going over it again with you, it is purely to clarify the main points, nothing more.
I have no idea where you can go to get emergency relief where you are, but I am sure there are welfare groups nearby who can assist you with food and perhaps a small amount of cash to put credit on your phone, etc. However, if I were you, I would be chasing up your benefit ASAP so that you can manage to pay rent and etc.
If only I were close by, I'd happily give you some food and essentials... money to put credit on your mobile phone. I'm not well off, but I could never stand by idly while someone such as yourself is in need.
Now please take care, won't you? It may not be visible just yet, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel and you will get past this , believe me.
just an update really
yesterday morn i had to re-go over final statements which was fairly upsetting but dont. the last few days have been really traumatic and i told my special officer i was scared i was gonna hurt myself or worse. i went to local a%e and they were so kind and compassionate-i have never in my life experienced that but omg it was so nice. i was treated by staff who were sensitive and kind (some of whom i knew coz i worked with them) and have been given proper help finally.
a mental health teal are looking after me at home, they gonna visit 2 times a day over nxt 3 months then continue support. its just the pain of what happened and reliving it constantly just got too much to bear.
already today thanx to these good ppl the council are coming to sort my bayhroom out. am having 5,67 or more baths a day coz i feel dirty - its why its important the bathroom fixed. when i was in a&e distraught the dept sister just hugged me, it was so nice just to be held.
so i know its not all gonna go away but at least now i know i have ppl to help me who really care
Hey Lou, it's great to hear that you're finally getting professional support and practical assistance.... especially with your bathroom. I am so pleased this has happened for you. It's little things like being able to have a bath in comfort that make life that life that bit better, and with the other improvements gained through the support you're receiving, the time between now and the court hearing will pass more quickly... not in actual time but it won't seem as long. Once that is behind you, it's all over and you can start planning a real future with greater peace of mind and confidence.
There will always be people who care to help you through things, it's just a matter of connecting and sharing the issue(s), and while it may never completely be gone, you now have a connection with people to help with what ever residue there may be. There will always be some memories, but it's how you react to them that's important, and I'm betting your support group will advise similarly to me... life your life to the fullest you possibly can and focus on the present, because it is the most important time in your life. The past is done and dusted, and the future has yet to begin, so today at any stage in your life is all you can influence... influence as positively as you can and you've got the battle mostly won.
Peace be with you Lou.
Hey Lou ... when all this is done how about we all go down to the local gin mill, toss back a few and let starkers regale us with his stories on how he single-handedly beat back the Alien invasion with one mighty blow.
Peace and a new better beginning. Never forget ... we, all of us here, are rooting for you.
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