yesterday i had a visit from the cold case police informing me that they had a suspect and want me to go to court and try and get a conviction.
20 yrs ago a stranger broke into my flat raped and tortured me at knifepoint and then hounded me day and night for 7 months trying to get in and kill me. i had police come but he was never caught. now they have found him due to new dna techniques. i have never been so distraught in my life and was on the floor shaking and sobbing, it was as if it had just happened. he ruined my life and still 20 yrs on fills me with fear. i have to go to court and face a dreadful ordeal coz i need closure. he may not be convicted coz i am gonna be judged for what i am and my lifestyle. i have tried for years to find forgiveness in my heart but i cant, its so painful and living alone i had no one to comfort me. i had to run to my doctor who thankfully has sedated me as i dont know what i would have done.
the police were very kind and are going to support me through this coming ordeal, i may have to be moved for my safety away from my home and friends. yesterday i felt so alone and afraid. i am still trying to find a way to forgive but its difficult. i dont have any faith which i know helps some ppl, my life has been too full of abuse and pain to even hope there is a god looking out for me. i am not writing this coz i want sympathy i just dont want to be alone.
i am back living in fear and cant stop crying and shaking, how can one person do this to me? i may not be an avergage person but i am human and have feelings. all my life i have tried to stop others suffereing what i have endured, but forgiveness is so hard.
I wasn't deminishing Lou's feelings at all. I was thinking of her feelings, it's not easy to forgive, but forgiveness, as I said, is not for the offender, it's for her sake. I'm focusing on Lou publicly, not privately! She needs to know that people care about her and not argue over faith and belief! What a horrible thing to focus on K10w3!
Loukeeya, I don't know what you have gone through, but just know this. I care about you! I'm not trying to preach to you or anything like that, but knowing someone is praying for you, whether you believe or not, is a good thing. So please, just know you're not alone! We all love you!
i have to say you have all shown me that there is so much goodness and kindness in ppl, i have always known in my heart that there were many good ppl - i just happened to cross paths with one of lifes not so nice ppl. you have all given me strength and i value each and every one of you. today i woke up feeling calmer and stronger, i am hoping that the initial shock has passed and that now i can move forward with strength.
a big part of me felt guilty for bringing this here but i hope you will understand what desperation can do. i have got thru many bad times with humour, i know this is not a humourous subjects but i crave sillyness and slapstick - perhaps i should watch some silly film and just laugh for an hour or so.
words really cannot express how you have all made me feel, but i no longer feel alone
well...after 20 years..... it would be a massive shock..... calmer and stronger sounds like a good frame of mind to be in..... keep it up.... he'll soon be doing mail order soap-on-a-rope....
a problem shared is a problem halved.....
good idea..... or.....you could try laughing yoga.......
Glad you're in a better frame of mind!
@Syd! That really creeped me out Syd! And lou thinks she has problems!
am not sure wether to laugh or cry, that laughing yoga was just too much. surely he isnt for real? lol makes me look like the most sane normal person on the planet but thanxs syd i appreciate that gesture - so far so good today have only cried twice, its a start
No forgiveness for SydneySiders! None!
She has "Trident" and I don't!
One of the unfortunate side effects of modern technology's ability to solve cold cases is the fact that it will open old wounds and bring back memories best forgotten. None the less, you need to pursue justice here both for yourself and anyone else this criminal may have hurt. Unknown others may have also been victimized by this person but you may be the only link to proving guilt. Be strong, and good luck.
You have lived with the consequences of this criminal act for decades, now it is the perpetrators turn to also deal with the consequences.
your right wizard, 20 yrs ago the police dealing with me said there had been 20 other rapes, one poor lady was murdered. i will persue it for them and for me. thankyou all for giving me hope, i know this isnt easy to hear about or read about but i do thankyou all for the comfort you have given me
Take this little guy with you......
He'll do the laughing while you send that jerk to his just desserts with no ice cream. We're with you all the way love. Hang in there.
well today i saw victim support, they were so nice. they will be with me from start to finish. they did warn me that it could take a few months to come to trial coz there are other victims. it doesnt bear thinking about but i know i will find the strength when i most need it
i have been shown so much kindness, i am not used to kindness and its quite strange but it has made a huge difference. i am not gonna comment anymore til its over but i thankyou all from the bottom of my heart
well... you comment any time you feel like it lou.... we'll be right here if you need some company or need to sound off..... we're along for this ride til they turn that key.....
glad victim support has been such a positive experience for you.....and it's good..... (in a way) that there are other victims.... will take that intense focus off you a little bit..... rather than you being the one and only it hinged on....
you'll be fine..... you're sounding stronger all the time.....
well i have to be honest the last couple of days have been tough, have been so close to just ending it. i cant even cycle now coz am so distracted i keep veering in the middle of the road. i spent several hours sitting in my bath with a razor blade and couldnt find the courage to do it. god knows am trying to be strong but i just cant. the thought of the trial is bad enough, having to be moved with a new identity away from my friends is not helping. its ironic that in the 21st century there is no specific support for ppl like me who have been thru what i have. oh there is rape crisis but i dont count because i am not female. there is survivors uk for men who have been raped - so its down to me and my close friends to try and make sense of it all. victim support are very kind and supportive so are the police but this is just showing me how society really feels about ppl like me. i have had a lot of kindness from ppl over the past few days, i find that hard to cope with coz am not used to kindness. no wonder i have always been so antaganostic to authority-i know that even in court i am gonna be judged for being me, i am gonna do my best to get thru it but i dont think i am gonna get the peace after that i hope for
Now, now, self-harm is not the answer. You've been harmed more than enough as it is, so please, put those thoughts away and focus on moving forward with your life. Draw on the support of your friends and you will find that you do have the strength and courage to get through this. Also, kindness is something that is given freely by people who care, so accept it in the spirit it is given and you will find that it is not that difficult to cope with at all. Think of it like this, people do not offer kindness if they don't care... and you must be important to these people in that they've been there for you.
I do wish you all the best with it and remember, you are important and have every right to peace of mind. Chin up and stiff upper lip, right?
I'm sure you will go through a roller coaster of ups and downs until this is over...and after....but the main thing to focus on.... is taking this person... who ignored your rights... by assaulting you..... and removing his rights.... to have the freedom of our society.... to give you the closure to start to heal.... harming yourself, just means he is still in control... gotta leave those notions behind.... talk to your counsellor about it... they are the best people to help you through....
A start to not being judged for 'being you'... is to walk into that courtroom with your head held high.... expecting.... to be judged as any other human being..... don't look as if you expect to be treated any differently..
Of course.... it's easy for us to coach from the sidelines..... and it's you who has to go through this...... so just take on board that we support you.... even though it's from afar...... and let your friends help in any way they can...
Not sure why you have to go through being given a new identity and moved away from your friends.... I would hope that was only temporary til the trial....not permanent... .... perhaps he is out on bail til the trial...
anyway....take care of yourself.... try to keep positive.... and keep away from the bike for the time being....
My heart goes out to you loukeeya.
I just want to add a few suggestions. The only way to handle this is if you stay in the present. The past is done. The future is what your trying to fix.
You can do it. Keep your eyes steadfast on the goal. Make that your shield. Your strength. Think positive thoughts about yourself and today.
You are in my thoughts.
Lou, you need to seek some help, immediately. Please.
Just saw this.
You're absolutely correct, Tom. I don't think Lou would do anything like that. But even the thought is a "cry for help" so go get it, Nurse.
You know we're right. Just get the help.
guys i am really struggling, i know its the past but its been with me every day of the past 20 yrs. i keep reliving it over and over and yes the diazepam has helped, i dont have the courage to take my own life, am far too weak but it does worry me that i am even thinking of it. its prob coz i really need some peace. my logical brain tells me its ok he is not gonna hurt me and my emotional brain tells me he is gonna hurt and humiliate me. i dont know if he is in prison, on bail or anything-i dont live far from where this attack happened and he was local. i am afraid to go out coz i used to bump into him a few months after the attack. one positive thing i have traced my bf of the time after 20 yrs, we spoke on the phone and he is happy to give evidence. it ruined his life too, he hasnt been able to get over it.
i am trying to live in the moment but my mind just wanders and i am so restless. i cant sleep in my bed now, i feel safe on the sofa with my cats. i hate being in such a mess but feel helpless. i am trying to deal with each day as it comes. i know i do find kindness very difficult to habdle as i am a stranger to it but it is comforting to know that ppl care, strange isnt it that i am such a compassionate person myself - thats why my patients loved me i suppose.
anyway i am sending you all love and thanks for your words which are a comfort to me
This is the PTSD aspect of what happened to you. When you find your mind dwelling on it, consciously focus on your breathing, or the feel of your feet on the ground as you're walking, and let your mind really focus on the physical aspects of what your body is feeling--the way a baby really feels things that are new, completely nonjudgmentally, exploring every aspect of it...the temperatures, the textures, the little aspects that a person takes for granted.As far as the feeling safe in your own bed, have you given any thought to getting a dog? I know they require a lot more attention than cats, and they're not the pet for everyone, but honestly, I feel so much safer having my dog than I would owning a gun. She lets me know there is someone approaching the door long before they get arm's reach of the door. I don't know if she would actually protect me if there was a break in, but I know whomever would attempt to break in would hear her bark and know it would be a lot easier to try one of my other neighbor's houses to break in (they have little dogs -- mine is 75 pounds).Maybe you should take a martial arts class? My spouse is kind of a wiry guy and spent a great deal of his life frightened about altercations until he learned how to break bones with his bare hands, and now he walks confidently where ever and when ever he wants. Just knowing you could take care of yourself would be empowering for you.
I went through a similar thing after I was physically assaulted and I know how hard it can be to forget, to have the confidence to be your former self, but it is possible, and I would know because I succeeded. You can also do it, believe me. Firstly, get through this court case to put this person behind bars for a very long time... this will assist in your feeling safe and confident afterwards.
The forgiveness you need to find in your heart is not necessarily to make him feel any better, but to release a lot of negative emotions that have been with you since that day... those feelings of hurt, anger, insecurity and depression, etc. Believe me, when you find that forgiveness, these feelings will dissipate and go away. I know this might sound crazy, but believe me, it works. The bloke who assaulted me mightn't care one way or the other if I forgave him or not, but I sure as heck notice the big difference in my state of mind.
It's not that you are too weak It took greater strength and courage to live with the pain for the last 20 years than to end it. You have plenty of strength and courage and never doubt that you have more than enough to carry on. You are going through a highly emotional and confusing period right now, and you're in two minds, so to speak. There's the doubting side of you has the weaker thoughts and doesn't know how to cope, and there is a side of you which has the courage and it is saying the only satisfactory outcome is for you to forge ahead and keep going. So, the reason you cannot take your own life is because your stronger side has the upper hand and will guide you through this.
It makes you feel good that your patients loved you, right? OK, then, that's how you think of other peoples kindness. The caring people around you are doing what you did for your patients, offering compassion, love, caring, support.... because you are as important to them as your patients were/are to you. It's a give and take relationship, in a way. Receive the care they're offering with the same spirit in which it is offered and they are rewarded with the knowledge it has had a positive outcome.... just like you were rewarded when your patient care returned positive results. Its a win, win situation, right?
And here's some love and sunshine right back at you....
Lou...where is this guy now they say they caught? If he is actually being held why are you even worried about this? He couldn't do any further harm to you if thats the case. And considering the charges this guy faces it's unlikely he'll see the light of day. If the above is true that he is being held then you should only be looking at this as a formality of finishing what should have been done years ago. Up until now you had gotten over this for the most part and the only thing that has changed is that you know where he is now...which is hopefully in jail pending a hearing. I would have thought that since he was not caught until now and was still running loose that you would have been a basket case...but that hadn't seemed to be the case. So stop talking about or suggesting suicide as a solution.
Because of the pain and discomfort I deal with everyday all day long...I often think about doing a deep throat on a shotgun...but I keep hoping I'll actually find a real doctor that can help me. At least you have your health...so stop talking about suicide and get on with your life. This will be over before you know it. And consider this...there are people in the world in a lot worse situations than either of us...and they get on with their lives...you should too.
thanx guys, starkers my heart goes out to u too i know how awful these ordeals are.
as for this man i have no idea if he is in custody or still loose. the police wont tell me anything other than to say they know where he is and he is settled. i know there are ppl suffering far worse than me at the min, i just cant seem to re focus and look beyond this.
my friends have been great but its difficult for them too, my ex bf from that time is still devastated and his life was f----d up too. i know the employment ppl are harrassing me to find a job, maybe they are right, but i worry that i might cause more harm as am so distracted.
uncertainty is very unsettling for me, i like to know where am going, what am doing and this not knowing is driving me crazy.
Hey Lou, I feel your pain, I was once a victim too and it took 9 years for me to break free from that horrid place, its not easy I know that, I felt all alone with no where to hide, no where to run, yes I have family but at that time I felt I had no one I could talk too as they had their own problems and I didn't want to burden them with mine. I met mark (long story) but through him I was able to open up and move on bit by bit , I was always a shy person and would hardly say boo too anyone , I was almost recluse, I just felt I had no self worth, but mark changed all that and along with some counseling, but a lot of the counseling was done by mark . I was once told every dog has their day and this twat will get his and so much more . even tho everything seems unsettling now they will get better that I promise you. You have a lot of friends here we are your family and just know that your never alone as we all are here for you.
He's settled? Something doesn't sound right here. Based on what you said he did this guy should be in custody...not settled.
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