Hi ya all its me shaunna aka mrs_starkers , long time no see
A couple were invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress Halloween party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going.
So he took his costume and away he went. the wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided to go to the party. As her husband didn’t know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband’s costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice looking woman he could.
His wife went up to him and being rather seductive herself, he left his present partner high and dry and devoted his time to the attractive new lady. She, enjoying the charade, letting him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband. After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went into the back garden and made passionate love.
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home. she put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had.
“Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you’re not with me.”
Then she asked,” Did you dance much?”
He replied, “I’ll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill and some more mates, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening.”
“You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!” she said with unashamed sarcasm and brewing outrage.
To which the husband replied, “Actually, I gave my costume to my brother, and apparently he had the time of his life.”
A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"
The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."
Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and asks him, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The second guy smiles, flips his hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"
The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?!!? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"
Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third guy and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?
He quickly adds, "Think hard before giving me a stupid answer."
The third guy looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "The suspect wears contact lenses."
The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.
"Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."
He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file on his computer and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.
"Wow! I can't believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does, in fact, wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"
"That's easy..." the third guy replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."
The difference between the real world and the virtual world.
In the real world it is hard to create and easy to destroy.
In the virtual world it is easy to create but impossible to destroy.
After two years I've given up trying to delete my safe and effective email account.
Also if something wants you to prove you are a human it is a bot.
After a wild drunk, a Scotsman passes out in the gutter. Two English women walk by, and out of curiosity, they lift up his kilt to see it the (story) tale about Scott's was true. It was!. So, they decided to try and shame the man and they tied a ribbon around what they saw, very tightly. When he awoke, with some pain, he looked down and said; "Sure don't know where ya have been, or what ya have been doing...........I'm just glad to see ya won first prize.!
The first Catholic man tells his friends,
"My son is a priest, when he walks into a room,
everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic man chirps,
"My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room
people call him 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic gent says,
"My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room
everyone bows their head and says 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic man says very proudly,
"My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room
people call him 'Your Holiness'.”
Since the lone Catholic woman was
sipping her coffee in silence,
The four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"
She proudly replies,
I have a daughter,
SLIM & TALL
40" D Breasts
24" WAIST and
34" HIPS When she walks into a room, people say,
“ JESUS"
"Let's set an age limit after which you can't run for political office, perhaps a number just below 70," Musk posted on Twitter.
I would suggest 45.
At age 45 the mental peak has been passed, luckily the individual themselves may not notice.
Then there was the man with nothing but a condom on his nose when he was pulled over by the cops for being naked while walking along the footpath.
He was asked for his reason to be naked in public with just a condom on his nose.
"I'm on my way to a fancy dress party just a few doors up."
The leading cop was feeling somewhat dubious but still asked: "What are you going as?"
"AW.... fuck knows."
[Sounds better than it writes]
Beer bottle: break me and you have a whole year of bad luck
Mirror: Break me and you’ll have 7 years of bad luck
Condom: walks off laughing
Three old blokes in their 80's and residing in a nursing home were discussing issues with their waterworks. The first old bloke complains that he has to get up a few times during the night to go pee and that most times he can only manage a dribble.
The second old bloke says that he has similar issues but all too often gets caught short because he can only shuffle along somewhat slowly and leaves embarrassing puddles here and there for staff to clean up.
The third old bloke says that he pees like a brewers horse every morning at 6.00am
The other blokes ask what he's complaining about.
"I don't get out of bed until 7."
I heard a commercial that said a company only hires that one in a million applicant,
who is outgoing, happy, smiling and friendly.
Just send your application to the friendly box of rocks with the friendly AI tools.
If you get an interview, they are looking for Gilligan, Gomer Pyle and Mr. Magoo.
If you get the job just remember to always smile and make a big mess
because it looks like you're getting a lot done and work overtime.
hahaha... I love them all.
Mark Zuckerberg was giving a speech at a charity function when he told the audience that his mother reckons he has the kind of face that turns womens heads.
Melinda Gates quickl;y quipped: "And it doesn't do their stomachs any good, either."
Not a necessarily a fart joke but funny nonetheless
Sarah from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.
Sarah climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills and canyon walls.
When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' and rode off.
"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service-station attendant. "Nothing," the woman answered "I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."
"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles."
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