Hi ya all its me shaunna aka mrs_starkers , long time no see
A couple were invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress Halloween party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going.
So he took his costume and away he went. the wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided to go to the party. As her husband didn’t know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband’s costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice looking woman he could.
His wife went up to him and being rather seductive herself, he left his present partner high and dry and devoted his time to the attractive new lady. She, enjoying the charade, letting him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband. After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went into the back garden and made passionate love.
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home. she put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had.
“Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you’re not with me.”
Then she asked,” Did you dance much?”
He replied, “I’ll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill and some more mates, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening.”
“You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!” she said with unashamed sarcasm and brewing outrage.
To which the husband replied, “Actually, I gave my costume to my brother, and apparently he had the time of his life.”
A bloke loses his manhood in an industrial accident and the treating surgeon gave him the bad news that it was too badly damaged to be reattached. "However," the doctor says: " a baby elephant died prematurely at the zoo and I can graft on a piece of its trunk to replace your missing willy."
"Okay," the bloke replies: "anything has to be better than no willy at all."
With that the surgeon proceeds with the grafting and it was a resounding success, so when the bloke is ready to leave the hospital the doctor asks him to return in a months time for a post-op checkup. At the checkup the doctor examines his handy work and declares that it is a marvel of modern medicine. He then asks the bloke how he's handling the new 'equipment.
"Well," the bloke responds: "When I used to go to the toilet it was slow and it often dribbled, but now, with this new willy, I piss like a brewer's horse. And the sex, well my wife loves it and it performs magnificently. There was one problem, though."
The doctor asked him what that was. The bloke says: "Well I took my youngster to the zoo last Saturday, and when we were standing at the elephant enclosure it burst out of my trousers, grabbed a handful of peanuts and shoved 'em up me arse"
Stage fright theory.
It is probably an adrenaline rush.
A hormone secreted by the adrenal glands, especially in conditions of stress,
increasing rates of blood circulation, breathing, and carbohydrate metabolism
and preparing muscles for exertion: Also called epinephrine.
So how to deal with it?
Start off with something easy and it will probably subside,
soon you will reach Zen.
Couple of books to look for and get a good read from;
The open Carmona by C. Moore Harris
and
A wonderful time of life by Ivan Yakinoff
Does anyone know the difference between Bar Maids and Prostitutes' ?
Bar Maids are fair and buxom !
Does anyone know the difference between Circus Performers and Burlesque Dancers?
Circus Performers show a cunning array of stunts !
Does anyone know the difference between Sex and a Caesar Salad ?
NO ????
Anyone wanna go to lunch tomorrow ?
Safe and effective.
A sweet teenaged girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious..' The boy turns, and whispers back, 'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.'
Sister Mary Agatha and Sister Mary Filamina are sitting on the bus going home to the convent. There is a large man sitting in front of them and suddenly; he lets go of one that could blow down a brick wall. He, being so embarrassed, turns to the Nuns to try and make conversation, as to take away the notice of letting the big smelly one. "Excuse me sisters" he says, trying to make conversation, but do either of you have a copy of todays newspaper? "No" says Sister Mary Agatha. but if you wait a moment, when we pass by a close tree.......I will try and reach out and get you a handful of leaves.
A wife hears a loud gunshot coming from the back yard and runs out to see what has happened. There standing over his dead dog with a gun in his hand, is her loving husband. She cries out; "what happened"? He says; Weeeeeell, I gave him three chances. I asked the dog to be quiet and he kept on barking. I asked him a second time and he still would not be quiet. I then asked him a third time and when he would not shut up...........I shot him. The wife bursts into tears and starts telling him how rotten it was to kill the dog and that he was a bad person. He bows his head and stood in quiet for about 3 minutes. He then raises his head, looks into his wife's eyes; and says: that's one.
Two young nuns were sent by mother superior to get the Sunday paper, so they get on their bikes and begin the ride into town. About halfway there it clouds over and it looks like it'll rain and the junior of the two says to the elder nun: "Looks like rain, we'll get wet."
The elder nun, who had done this errand so many times before, says: "No need to worry. I know a shortcut and we'll be back at the convent before it starts."
With that they turn off down an old cobblestone street. The junior nun was looking around at somewhat unfamiliar surrounding and says: "I've never come this way before."
The senior nun says: "Oh, don't worry, that's the bumpity bump of the cobblestones."
Infomania
The compulsive desire to check or accumulate news and information, typically via mobile phone or computer.
Infomaniac
A woman informs her husband that she needs to go care for her mother for a couple of weeks while she recuperates from heart surgery and needs to rest. She tells him that she has pre-cooked him enough meals to last him while she is gone. However, the two weeks had passed and he was told she'd be away at least another week or so.
By then all the food was gone and he started scrounging around for something that was ready to eat cos he was not keen on cooking. There was nothing in the pantry that was ready to eat but in desperation he looked under the kitchen sing and found a dozen or so large cans of dog food. Orright, he thought, this 'll do and he tucked into the first can. This went on for a few days and he ran out of the dog food as well. Luckily, his wife arrived back home and she asked him if there was anything he wanted while she was at the supermarket and he said that he'd like more of the dog food he found under the sink.
It was a strange request but she did as she was asked. When paying for her purchases, the supermarket manager noticed the dog food and asked: "Why the dog food, have you got another since your last one died unexpectedly?"
"No," she replied: "It's for my husband, he seems to like it."
The supermarket manager says: "Don't give him that. That stuff 'll kill him."
Anyway, a week had gone past and she was back in the store dresses all in black and carrying a funeral urn with her husbands ashes. The Supermarket manager asks: "So what happened, I told you that stuff 'd kill him."
Oh, it wasn't the dog food that took him. He was in the middle of the road licking his dick and a bus ran over him."
Father: I can get you a job as a used car salesman or President, which one do you want?
Son: Oh goodie goodie I want to be president daddy, I want to change the time.
Father: Ok I'll get you the job Monday you can be President.
Son: Oh goodie goodie I'm going to change the time and I'm going to get the covid vaccine
because I care about other people like people in Afghanistan.
Thor, the god of thunder, was patrolling the skies behind his mighty hammer when he noticed a beautiful young lady sunbaking nude on a beach. Feeling a bit horny he goes down and asks if she'd like some sex. She nodded in the affirmative and they engaged in some wild and passionate lovemaking for an hour or so. After they had finished, Thor took off behind his trusty hammer to patrol the skies again.
About 15 minutes later he was overcome with horniness again so went to revisit the beautiful and still naked woman on the beach. Again, they made wild and passionate love for a couple of hours before Thor returned to his duties in the skies. This happened another half dozen times but Thor still wasn't satisfied and descended from the heavens to make wild and passionate love with this enchanting young ladyjust one more time.
It lasted about four or so hours this time and Thor felt sufficiently satisfied so took off behind his trusty hammer to resume his duties as the god of thunder. As he took off this time he proudly roared out his name: " I'm Thor."
The young lady on the beach called back out to Thor: "You're thor? I'm tho thor I can hardly pith."
Could Facebook create a new search engine and pay the browser people to default to it?
They could call it Alpha because goo is already taken.
They could introduce a new parent company called Wannabet.
Summing it all up.
It's your choice.
Trick or trick.
Some more [fictitious] books....
Yellow River by I.P. Daily.
Russian Rupture by Ivan Ripabollockoff.
Does A Bear Shit In The Woods by Ima Grizzly.
Zipper Accidents by Dick Hurtz.
Stale FBI Files by Fox Mouldy.
Multiple Breed Dogs by Heinz Breeder.
Man With Rather Large Manhood by Don Key
And finally....
How to Lie Profusely And Still Remain Popular by Donald Trump.
There are always two possible paths to the same outcome.
You can mouse over the spoiler now or you can delay till later.
Disappointment.
The Baptism
An man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river.
The drunk proceeds into the water, subsequently bumping into the preacher.
The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon, he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk shouts, "Yes, I am."
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.
He pulls him back and asks, "Brother, have you found Jesus?"
The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus!"
The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him again but for a little longer.
He again pulls him out of the water and asks,
"Have you found Jesus, me brother?"
The drunk answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus!"
By this time, the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk again -- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds, and when he begins kicking his arms and legs about, he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"
The drunk staggers upright, wipes his eyes, coughs up a bit of water, catches his breath, and says to the preacher,
"Are you sure this is where he fell in"?
..........................................................................................................................................................................................................
A man sees a sign outside a house - 'Talking Dog For Sale.' He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.
The man sees a very nice looking Labrador sitting there.
"Do you really talk?" he asks the dog.
"Yes," the Labrador replies.
After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, the man asks, "So, tell me your story."
The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the Army.
"In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping.
"I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years.
But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Tullamarine Airport to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired."
The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.
"Twenty dollars," the owner says.
"$20!!? But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Because he's a lying bastard. He's never been out of the garden!!.
A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a Xmas fancy dress party.
He doesn't know what to wear to hide his bald head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem
A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate.
The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another parcel and note:
Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.
The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint. A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:
Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.
We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple.
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