Hi ya all its me shaunna aka mrs_starkers , long time no see
A couple were invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress Halloween party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going.
So he took his costume and away he went. the wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided to go to the party. As her husband didn’t know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband’s costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice looking woman he could.
His wife went up to him and being rather seductive herself, he left his present partner high and dry and devoted his time to the attractive new lady. She, enjoying the charade, letting him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband. After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went into the back garden and made passionate love.
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home. she put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had.
“Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you’re not with me.”
Then she asked,” Did you dance much?”
He replied, “I’ll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill and some more mates, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening.”
“You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!” she said with unashamed sarcasm and brewing outrage.
To which the husband replied, “Actually, I gave my costume to my brother, and apparently he had the time of his life.”
If we all lived on Mars, we would all be racing to get to Earth.
Thanks for the great cackle, Aussie007, I read the first joke and went on to near piss myself laughing at several others. I particularly love the one about the prosecution lawyer asking an old lady if she knew him, then the defense lawyer.... and what the judge said to them both. Hilarious!
Why do ducks have tail feathers?
To cover their BUTT QUACKS!
Here is a imaginary representation of a bit coin.
How much memory space does the entire bit coin block chain take up?
More to the point.... how much does a bitcoin weigh?
I am designing a new product.
I call it "My Piss Pot".
You can soak your feet in it if they are sore, use it as a fire extinguisher
and cook in it.
Hopefully before using it as "My Piss Pot".
A neglected wife is tired of her husband coming home from work each night, having a shower, eating dinner and watching TV for a couple of hours before bed, where he promptly fell asleep. They hadn't made love in ages and she planned that situation would end tonight.,
First off she went to a department store and bought herself the sexiest negligee. Then she went to an adult store to purchase a pair of crotchless knickers. Next it was off the the supermarket for the supplies needed to make his favourite meal, roast beef and Yorkshire pudding with greens and gravy.
As usual, he arrives at home and goes straight in for his shower prior to sitting down for his dinner. "I've made your favourite tonight, roast beef, Yorkshire pud and all the trimmings. And to top it all off I bought that lovely red wine you like so much."
"That's nice m' dear, what's the special occasion?" he asks.
"Oh, no special occasion, I just thought it would be nice if we spent some quality time together."
With that she whipped off her robe to reveal the sexy negligee: "What do you think?"
"Oh it's alright," he quickly replied so as to divert the conversation and asked if there was any desert.
"I'm the desert for tonight," she quipped, as she lifted the negligee ever so slightly to show off her crotchless knickers. She pointed to her nether regions to gain his attention and suggestingly asked: "Do you want some of this?"
"Like bloody hell I do, Look what it has done to yer knickers.!!!!!"
St. Peter is at the Golden Gate, when three men approach. He welcomes them in and then asks each of them how they died. The first tells him that he suspected his wife was cheating on him, so he decided to go home at noon and see what he could find. He lived in a high rise on the 68th floor, and when he got there, he found that the elevator was out of order. So, he ran up 68 flights of stairs and burst into his apartment, only to fine that his wife was in a sexy night gown, and in bed. He noticed that the window to the fire escape was open and when he looked out, he saw a man climbing down. He was so angry, he pushed the refrigerator through the window and it fell on the man climbing down the fire escape. From climbing up all those stairs, and getting so angry, he had a heart attack and died on the spot. St. Peter asked the second man how he died. He told St. Peter that he lived on the 60th floor of a high rise, and the elevator was out, so he decided to use the fire escape as it went directly into the parking lot below. All of a sudden, a refrigerator came crashing down on him and killed him instantly. St. Peter turned to the 3rd man and asked him how he died. He looked at St. Peter with a blank stare on his face and said. "I have no idea, I have no idea at all. It is a puzzlement to me. There I was; sitting in this refrigerator, minding my own dammn business......"
So they give you an IQ test, they come back after the test with the results.
They give you your score and tell you that you are a genius.
If you believe them are you a genius?
A burglar breaks into what he believes is an unattended house and begins to survey the items he'd planned to steal. As he was shining his flashlight on the hi.fi and bluray player he hears this voice: "Jesus is watching you."
The burglar shines his flashlight around the room but sees nobody and continues to steal the hi;fi and bluray player. Again he hears 'Jesus is watching you' so again he shines his flashlight around the room. This time he notices a parrot in the corner and asks it; "So who do you think you are and how would you know that Jesus is watching me?"
The parrot replies: "I'm Moses and Jesus is watching you."
"Ha, the burglar quips laughingly: "who'd name their parrot Moses?
The parrots responds: "The same people who'd name their rottweiler Jesus!"
Joe Biden announces that he's giving out a free bottle of Bud Light to anyone who gets a COVID vaccine.
Not to be outdone, President Obrador of Mexico announces he's giving out a free bottle of Corona to everyone who gets the vaccine.
Prime Minister Martin of Ireland then announces that he'll give away a free bottle of water to anyone who vets the vaccine.
Joe calls him up and says "Hey, why are you only giving away water, why not Guinness?"
The Prime Minister responds, "If you're not giving away real beer why should I?"
Most women splash a little perfume behind their ears to attract men.
What does Gishlaine Maxwell put behind her ears to attract men?
Her ankles.
And then there was the man who had gotten himself a really great tan from sunbaking but noticed that the only part of him that wasn't tanned was his Long John Tiddlywacker.
Thing was, he didn't want the rest of him to get any darker so he went down to the beach and buried everything but his untanned manhood in the sand.
A few moments later a couple of old spinsters walking along the beach noticed his tockley sticking out of the sand and one says to the other: "Well I'll be, I was never really interested that part of a man's anatomy when I was a young woman, and now that I am interested but truly past it, there's one growing in the wild."
An old bloke in his late 80's rocks up at his doctors and said that his wife had sent him because she reckoned he was losing his faculties. The doctor asked: "What do you mean, losing your faculties?"
"Well," he said: "I asked her for sex after lunch today and she gruffly replied, don't be so greedy, you've already had it three times this morning."
I recall when I was a lad in England that an Italian family moved into the village. They were nice people but their gorgeous looking daughter had a real funny name.... Fuccerada. It didn't bother me any cos she was a lovely girl with a sweet personality. Thing was, her mother was so protective that Fuccerada and I didn't get to see a lot of each other, not that it prevented us from liking one another anyway....A LOT.
Anyway, one day her mother had to go into town urgently, leaving Fuccerada to let herself in after school, and upon learning that she was home alone and that the note her mother left said she wouldn't be home until 5.30ish, Fuccerada invited me in and we started making wild passionate love.
Well Fuccerada's mother returned somewhat earlier than 5.30ish, and upon hearing loved-up noises coming from Fuccerada's bedroom, she stormed up the stairs, kicked the door in and yelled "FUCCERADA" at the top of her voice...
.....to which I couldn't help but say: "Come off it lady, I'm already doing my damned best"
Then there was the blonde woman who was trying desperately to learn to play golf. No matter how she tried, the club's coaches were dumbfounded as to how inept, incapable she was. One suggested after multiple lessons that her only hope was to engage the club professional as her tutor.
Upon their first lesson, the professional asked her to tee up and fire on off down the centre of the fairway. After four attempts and the ball still sitting on the tee, he frowned and said that she was completely hopeless. He then asked: "Are you married?"
She replied: "Yes, I am married."The professional then told he that her form was all wrong and that she should hold the club like her husband's sex organ. "Now try it again and let's see how much better you are."
Well she did as he suggested, teed up and sent one down the middle of the fairway for a hole in one. "Wow, that was magnificent," he said: "Now I want you to try that again.... only this time take the club out of your mouth and hold it in your hands."
Speaking of golf, Sir Winston Churchill reckoned that 18 holes of golf ruined a good walk, but that didn't deter the young blonde woman who was desperate to play a round with other people instead of alone. She approached three men at the 1st hole and asked if she could join them. The bloke who seemed to be the more senior of the three said that they each had handicaps and that it wouldn't be fair because she appeared to be unencumbered.
"What do you men, handicaps? she asked.
"Well," said the more senior bloke: "I have a wooden leg."
"Ha!" she replied. "I don't believe you."
With that he rolled up his trouser leg and screwed off his wooden leg. Okay, then, what about you" she asked of the second man: "Well I have a wooden arm."
Again she didn't believe it until he rolled up his sleeve and screwed his arm off. She then asked the younger of the three men what his handicap was: "Me," he quipped: "I have a wooden heart."
"Look," she angrily protested: "I may be blonde but don't expect me to swallow that one."
"I can prove it to you," he says and took her behind the bushes to show her. About 40 minutes had passed and the other two men were wondering what was taking so long. Anyway, they peeled back the bushes and sure enough, there he was... screwing his heart out.
And BTW, old golfers never die, the just lose their balls.
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