Hi ya all its me shaunna aka mrs_starkers , long time no see
A couple were invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress Halloween party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going.
So he took his costume and away he went. the wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided to go to the party. As her husband didn’t know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband’s costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice looking woman he could.
His wife went up to him and being rather seductive herself, he left his present partner high and dry and devoted his time to the attractive new lady. She, enjoying the charade, letting him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband. After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went into the back garden and made passionate love.
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home. she put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had.
“Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you’re not with me.”
Then she asked,” Did you dance much?”
He replied, “I’ll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill and some more mates, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening.”
“You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!” she said with unashamed sarcasm and brewing outrage.
To which the husband replied, “Actually, I gave my costume to my brother, and apparently he had the time of his life.”
Elderly couple go to the doctor.Doctor asks how can he help them to which the woman replies. The second time my husband makes love to me he sweats.The doctor asks her how old she is. She says 83. And how old is your husband. She says 86.And the second time he makes love to you he sweats?Yes in the winter he is OK but in the summer OH how he sweats!
ROLMFAO!!!!
A cabbie picks up a very attractive Nun. As she gets into the cab, she notices that the cab driver is handsome, and that he keeps looking at her. She asks him why his interest. He replies: ‘there is something I would like to suggest, but I don’t want to offend you.’ She answers, ‘My son, you cannot offend me. When you have been a nun as long as I have, and have seen the great variety of life that I have seen, you are not likely to be offended by anything you hear. What was your suggestion?’ The cabbie says: ‘Very well then. I’ve always wanted to kiss a nun.’ She responds, ‘Hmmm, well let’s see what we can do about that. But only if you are single, and you must be Catholic.’ The cab driver is very excited and says, ‘Yes, I’m single and I’m Catholic!’ ‘OK’ says the nun. ‘Pull into that next alleyway there.’ The nun then fulfils his wish with a kiss which would surely make any hooker blush. Just after they get back on the road, the cab driver starts looking very troubled. ‘My dear child,’ says the nun, ‘is something the matter?’ ‘Forgive me’ says the cabbie, ‘but I’ve sinned. I lied to you. I must confess now that I’m married and I’m Jewish.’ ‘That’s OK’ says the nun. ‘My name is Kevin and I’m going to a fancy dress party!’
A husband takes his wife to a Club. There’s a man on the dance floor living it up: break dancing, moon walking, back flips, the lot. Occasionally, he stops dancing to buy drinks for his friends. It is obvious from his dress and manner that he is very wealthy. The wife turns to her husband and says: ‘See that guy? Twenty five years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down.’ Her husband says: ‘Looks like he’s still celebrating.’
(Note: I use Donald Trump simply because he's well known, this is not a political joke aimed at him)
Donald Trump wakes up one morning with a severe headache. He goes to see the doctor, who diagnoses him with inoperable Brain Cancer.
"There is good news", the doctor tells him. "We have recently perfected brain transplant surgery, so we can replace your brain with one without cancer, and you'll be good as new. We currently have 2 brains available, a man's brain for $1,000,000, and a woman's brain for $500,000."
Trump then asks the doctor "Why is the woman's brain so much cheaper?" To which the doctor replied,
"Obviously, the woman's brain is used."
Two blondes were walking in the woods, when they came across some tracks.
"Oh look!" said the first one. "Rabbit tracks!"
"You're such a blonde," her friend replied. "Those are clearly deer tracks."
"No they're not!" said the first one. "They're rabbit tracks!"
"Those are definitely deer tracks." retorted the second one.
"Rabbit Tracks!"
"Deer Tracks!"
They were still arguing .....
When the train hit them
Two guys walk into a bar.
The second one really should have seen it.
Man goes to the bullfight and when it is all over he decides to go out for dinner.He looks at the menu but cannot decide what to have so he asks the waiter.The waiter suggests that he has the testicles of the bull from the bullfight.He is a bit wary about this but as he cannot see anything else he likes he decides to try it.He finds that it is a real delicacy so after every bullfight he goes and has the same meal.One day he cannot get to the bullfight because he had an appointment but he decides he will still go out for dinner.He orders the usual and as he is eating he says to the waiter that they seem smaller than usual.The waiter replies Ah yes, today the bull won.
A woman in her early 90's tells her doctor, that she is not getting the same pleasure that she use to get, when making love with her husband. The doctor asks: "when did you first start to notice this?. She replies; "Twice last night and then a couple of times this morning".
........................................
A man askes his doctor for something to kill his wife. The doctor tells him that he can't do that, but offers a suggestion. Being that you are into your 80's, you could probably make love to her several times a day, and after 30 days, she would probably pass away.
About 27 days later, the doctor was walking by the man's house, and noticed a woman digging in the garden; and his patient sitting on the porch, in a wheelchair, and a nurse. The doctor walks by the woman digging and up to the man in the wheelchair. "How ya doin ?" asks the doctor. Weeeeeeeell, I guess I doin' OK, but look at that damn fool woman in the garden; "She don't know she only has 3 days to live!"
That's so funny thanks for the laugh
Aussie007, good on ya mate funny as heck
heheheheh loved it
A couple more, slightly more risqué.
A woman came home from her doctor’s appointment grinning from ear to ear. Her husband asked her: ‘Why are you so happy?’ The woman says: ‘The doctor told me that even though I am a forty-five year old woman, I have the breasts of an eighteen year old.’ ‘Oh yeah?”‘ quipped her husband, ‘What did he say about your forty-five year old arse then?’ ‘You weren’t mentioned’ she replied.
A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whisky, which was promptly brought and placed before him. The flight attendant asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, ‘I’d rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips.’ The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, ‘Me, too, I didn’t know I had a choice.’
thanks mate
Sooooooooooooo, After many years of saving, a poor man finally saves up to buy a new alligator pair of shoes. he puts them on and then asks his wife if she notices anything. She replies "No" and goes on her merry way. He decides to get naked, excepts for his new shoes. He then askes his wife if she notices anything, and again she replies "No". He tell her to look at what his private part is pointing to. She looks and then says "Soooooo, you couldn't have bought a hat??????
A man goes into a bar with an alligator on a leash, and puts it up on the stool next to him. The bartender tells him that he can't bring a pet or dangerous animal into the bar. The man tells the bartender that the alligator is completely harmless and he can prove it. He opens the alligator's mouth, takes out his private part and places it in the alligator's mouth, reaches to his rear pocket, and takes out a small stick. He precedes to pound the alligator over the head, pulls out his private part, and tells that bartender that here are no teeth marks and that proves the animal is perfectly harmless. The bartender says; "That is awesome", and then asks the other patrons if anyone else would like to try it. From the end of the bar, a rather small man says: "I would, as long as he doesn't hit me to hard over the head with that stick".
Speaking of alligators, a young alligator and an older one were discussing food and how to grow, put on weight. The young alligator asked how come the older alligator had become so large. The older alligator said that he attributed his large size and weight to eating a member of the Trump family.
The younger alligator took that on board and went off to find Donald Trump as his first 'growth meal'. A few days later the pair were discussing the matter again and the younger one asked what he'd done wrong as he hadn't put on an ounce or grown an inch. The older alligator asked how he prepared and ate his meal. The younger alligator said: "Well I caught him, shook the shit out of him, then ate him".
The older alligator said: "Well that's it. Once you shook the shit out of him all you were left with was an asshole and a funny looking wig."
Hehe.
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know.
And God was talking to an angel and said that he would create humans and have them multiply. The angel asked how they would do that and God explain the birthing method. The angel said: WOW, that is really going to be painful, how will you make it equal, so that man will experience the same amount of pain. God replied; I WILL GIVE THEM AN EGO.................that should be equal pain.
And then; there were two woman in the maternity ward of the hospital. A veteran of 5 children, and a new mother, this being a first time. The new mother to be, explained that she was scared because she really didn't know how painful it was going to be. The veteran mother told her to take her bottom lip and pull it out as far as she could. The new mother said; well, that isn't too bad. The veteran mother then said............aaaaaaaaaw, but now, stretch it over your head.
Waiting, Waiting
for this years christmas i decided to go all out
for my son i got an Ipad
for my daughter i got an Iphone
thinking i was on a roll,
for my wife i got an Iron
and thats when the fight started....
Captain of the pirate ship walks out onto the deck one morning and yells out
Where's my buccaneers.
To which the crew reply
On your buccan head.
Why did the golfer wear 2 pair of strides?
In case he got s hole in one!
ROF LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!
You a fool Starkers!
BTW: You too Aussie007
Man is sorting out his will and estate with his lawyer.After he finishes dispersing his funds there is $200 left.His lawyer asks him what he wants to do with it.After thinking for a while the man says that after his funeral service they should stop at the pub on the way to the cemetery. His lawyer says should we spend $100 on the way out and $100 on the way back.the man says no. Spend $150 on the way out and $50 on the way back. The lawyer asks him why and he says because I won't be with them on the way back!
Three nuns die suddenly and are at the gates of Heaven. St. Peter tells them that each has to answer a question as a matter of parodical to get past the golden gates. He asks the first nun; "What are the first words in the Gospel?" She replies: "that's an easy on, "In the beginning". A bell rings ding-a-ling, and the gates open. He asks the second nun; "How many commandments are there?" She repliess; "OH, that's an easy one, 10". The bell rings ding-a-ling, and the gates open. He asks the third nun; "What is the first thing Eve said to Adam after being cast out of the Garden of Eden?" She replies; "OH MY, that's a hard one".........and the bells ring ding-a-ling, and the gates open.
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