<<<<<My FAMILY>>>>>
Tomorrow I go in for a mastectomy, port placement, and immediate reconstruction (if possible, if NOT then an “expander” is placed).
They tell me, odds are less than 5% I could actually die from complications. I’m “young,” healthy, whatever.
Odds are pretty small I could have breast cancer too.
These days, I don’t play the odds.
That’s why I’m writing this. (To say Hey JU! Thanks for keeping me company and sane (ok that last might be a stretch;)), especially on my husband’s long deployments. Thanks for the creative pushes, the arguments, the laughter. Just, thanks.)
And on that note, I finished writing small letters to my family, just in case tomorrow is my last sunrise.
And I realized while doing so that breast cancer shouldn’t have been the catalyst for such literary sentiment. None of us are guaranteed tomorrow. Not a single one. So, what happens if you die on the way home from work? While driving to the grocery store? Whatever? Are you content leaving the world, leaving your loved ones with the way things are right now?
I wasn’t.
So I penned, (typed) up notes to my husband and kids.
Sure I tell them I love them every single day. But I wanted to write something down for them to have, to hold, on the days I’m not around.
It’s not the real thing. But, it’s the best I have to offer once I’m gone.
Odds are, I will be fine.
Odds are, I will recover.
Odds are, I will live to die another day.
Odds are…..
(to be continued, or, er, not).
I'll be on the plane tomorrow praying for you. I think the odds are you're going to have a heck of alot to write about in the coming months. There should be no such thing as writer's block in your case.
(((((((((((((T)))))))))))))))))))
((((((((((((((((T's Family))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
You are and will continue to be in my thoughts and prayers.
We ( JU and the world) are lucky to have you in it. Our luck aint up yet.
We need more Gavin-isms. More amazing fiction stories. More or your written wrath. More of your advice, thoughts and worries. More of your happiness. More of more.
We need you Tonya.
Ah thanks Kelly. I love you too.
lol, D, I don't think I've EVER had writer's block. Thanks!!
Yes, the odds are very good that you'll come through ALL this fine and dandy.
Remember that you have said that you don't feel forsaken by God because of this. I know it's tough and you are a bit nervous about tomorrow, nevertheless, keep being optimistic hoping and trusting in Our Lord. Offer this prayer before your operation.Father, as I face this operation, I come to You with my fears and misgivings and ask You to put into my heart the needed courage to face the day with unwavering confidence in Your Goodness and protection. May the knowledge that You do not sleep while I am in a deep sleep, be an assurance to me that I need not worry nor be afraid. Calm my nerves, put my mind at ease, and in Your mercy, forgive me all my sins.Give to the surgeon a steady hand and the skill to do his task with ease and perfection. Give to my loved ones the reassuring faith that You are with us, the Keeper of my body and Lover of my soul. Calm all their anxieties during the coming hours of my operation.Into Your hands I entrust my well-being. All this I ask, Father, in the Name of Jesus and through the merits of His Most Precious Blood. Amen. You and your family are in my prayers, especially so tomorrow.
What a lovely prayer. Thanks Lula. I appreciate it.
And it is true, I don't.
Today is the day. I am looking forward to reading your next rant about the way they treated you in the hospital, the nasty crap they call food, the arrogance of the staff, and the absolute and total success of your surgeons. You will fill the screen with your wit, your insights, and what I have come to consider a smiling, mild, crabbiness. Anything less is totally unacceptable. Live long and write.
I'm thinking of you today...and Big Daddy....you have a way with words.
I'm back home. Long story short, they punctured one of my lungs with the port and it collapsed....so they used a scalpel to slice the skin between two ribs, then shoved their fingers in the holes "to feel" where the tube goes...then inserted the tube, fished it up the inside of the rib cage to mu upper chest.
My left side was augmented to match my right side, but there wasn't quite enough skin on the right, so I have an expander. It's like a balloon they add saline water to, to help stretch the skin. I'll go back in 4-6 weeks to have the implant installed.
It is soooo good hearing from you. Praise ALmighty God you are home and doing well enough to write us here in JU.
Aside from the port problem which seems to be resolved, it sounds as though the rest of it went as planned.
It's amazing how well and fast the body heals and I imagine and hope that is what you experience!
THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKIN' ABOUT !!!
May God help you. do not worry a colleague of mine has breast cancers .she has gone through a difficult time and still, but at least she leads life as before and struggles to live despite pain. May God bless you!
Thanks.
What?
Yeah, pretty much. Except no one told me that a tissue expander feels like someone cracked my sternum, and maybe a few ribs...
Tova: "What?"
Look, I know there is lots more unhappy stuff ahead, more worry, more waiting, etc. But the big fear of the surgery itself is past and you came out sounding like yourself. First step done. Congrats.
Oh, hahaha. Yeah, I'm still a little fuzzy around the edges BFD. I always thought my pain threshold was pretty high. I didn't flinch when they shoved those needles into my nipples, I was up and about after my c-sections, cleaning house, doing laundry, etc.
But this multiple wound thing? Kickin my booty!!
The good news is, some of the post op bloating is decreasing....so I've dropped 3 of the 8 pounds I gained in the hospital....and you can bet your bottom dollar tomorrow, when I meet with my plastic surgeon, I will be asking him exactly how much the implant and expander weigh. I'm monitoring this because weight gain is detrimental to recovery.
Glad all went well. Hope you get better.
It is a bit disconcerting to have them read you the "odds". I have been through it twice (with 2 children - minor surgery, but they said it was required).
I can only echo what BFD said. And he said it so well. I am glad you came through with your wit and wisdom intact. Odds do not mean a thing when you have a positive outlook - and that is not in question in your case.
Our prayers will continue as you continue your journey.
Actually Doc, it is beyond disconcerting when the Oncologist walks in, looks at the lab paperwork, then hugs your neck.
Thanks Charles. I appreciate the sentiment.
what was that all about?
...and to think some people pay good money for that experience!
Yeah, well I won't complain if they cut me a check
He saw that my nodes were positive, and I didn't let them take enough to stage me appropriately. He thinks I'm going to die soon.
I told BFD about this poem when his Dad died in '97; it gave him comfort at a time things were very difficult for him. I think it expresses very well the world in which we find ourselves when we haven't got much control over the situation.( Sometimes I call it "mortality soup".) But someone is in charge..
"Be like the bird, that
Pausing in her flight,
Awhile on boughs to light
Feels them give way beneath her and yet sings,
Knowing that she hath wings."
-Victor Hugo
May the Lord bless you. CM
Thanks so much CM. I really needed that today. More than I'd ever admit outloud.
Here's another that might help...maybe you know it?
A BEND IN THE ROAD
Sometimes we come to life's crossroads,
and view what we think is the end,
But God has a much wider vision,
and He knows it's only a bend-
The road will go on and get smoother,
and after we've stopped for a rest,
The path that lies hidden beyond us
is often the part that is best.
So rest and relax and grow stronger-
let go and let God share your load,
And have faith in a brighter tomorrow-
you've just come to a bend in the road.
Helen Steiner Rice
Ah, so beautiful and so true KFC.
"So rest and relax and grow stronger-let go and let God share your load,"
We must remember grace will be proportioned to the trials giving us strength to carry us through them.
In other words Tova, just offer it up.....and "let God share your load."
Although I don't know who wrote it, there is a prayer to the Holy Spirit that fills me with consolation. It might do the same for you.
Come Holy Spirit,
Replace the tension within us with a holy relaxation.
Replace the turbulence within us with a sacred calm.
Replace the anxiety within us with a quiet confidence.
Replace the fear within us with a strong faith.
Replace the bitterness within us with the sweetness of grace.
Replace the darkness within us with a gentle light.
Replace the coldness within us with a loving warmth.
Replace the night within us with Your Light.
Replace the winter within with Your Spring.
Straighten our crookedness.
Fill our emptiness.
Light the fires of our love.
Quench the flames of our lust.
Dull the edge of our pride.
Sharpen the edge of our humility.
O Holy Spirit, beloved of my soul. I adore You. Enlighten me, guide me, strengthen me, console me.
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