I hope these bring a smile, I myself was laughing very hard!!! No disrespect meant to anyone, and no one killed in the making of, either!!!
The first one...
A dog is truly a man's best friend.If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you????????
The second...
A man with a pegleg, hook hand and an eyepatch went to apply to be a pirate.Interviewer: How did you get that pegleg?Pirate: Arrr. I got me leg shot off during the first world war.Interviewer: How did you get that hook?Pirate: I got me hand cut off by a big knife.Interviewer: What about your eyepatch?Pirate: It was a rainy afternoon and I looked up into the sky and a bird crapped in me eye.Interviewer: And that put your eye out?Pirate: No, it was the day after I got me hook.
And last, but not least....
The foreman points out a huge pile of sand. He says to the Italian guy, 'You're in charge of sweeping.'To the Scotsman he says, 'You're in charge of shoveling.'And to the Chinese guy, 'You're in charge of supplies.'He then says, 'Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile of sand.'So when the foreman returns, after being away for a couple of hours, the pile of sand is untouched. He asks the Italian, 'Why didn't you sweep any of it?'The Italian replies, ' I no hava no broom You saida to the Chinese-a-fella that he was in charge of supplies, but he has a disappeared and I no could finda him nowhere.'Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, 'And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile.'The Scotsman replies, 'Aye, that ye did laddie, boot ah couldnay get meself a shoovel! Ye left that Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldnay fin' him neither.'The foreman is really angry now. He storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy. Just then, the Chinese guy leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells....................'SUPPLIES!!!!'
An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas . Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, 'Notice anything different about me?'Margaret looked him over. 'Nope.'Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots. Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything different NOW?'Margaret looked up and exclaimed, 'Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!'Furious, Bert yelled, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?' 'Nope', she replied.'IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!'Without changing her expression, Margaret replied, 'Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat.'
Now that I'm old and feeble and my pilot light is out
What used to be my sex appeal is now my water spout.
I used to get embarrassed to make the darned thing behave
For every single morning it would stand and watch me shave
But now I'm old and feeble it just gives me the melancholy blues
For every single morning it hangs down my leg to watch me shine my shoes.
Now whar do I git me one of them hats???
A twenties something couple is out 'parking' and seeing just how sexually wild they can get when they knock the handbrake off and the stickshift out of 'Park'. The car rolls down the mountainside, rolls over several times and comes to an almighty thud upside down beside the highway. The guy is trapped and says to his companion: "Look, I'm trapped, badly hurt and bleeding, go and get help... PUUUULEASE!!!"
The naked woman looks around for something to wear but can only find one of his shoes as all their clothes had fallen out the window during their rapid descent, so she covers her nether region with the shoe and runs onto the highway to flag down a truck driver who was passing the accident scene: "Please help us, my boyfriend and I have had an accident and he's stuck!!!!!"
The truck driver looks up and down her naked body (as you do), notices the shoe she'd used to cover her most intimate part and says: "Stuck, eh!!! Well I'm sorry, love, if he's that far gone he's beyond help I'm afraid."
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer. You are in the wrong place." So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God replies, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake. He should never have gotten down there; send him up here." Satan says, "No way." I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?"
ain't THAT the truth!?
DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS 40-ish..............................49Adventurous.....................Slept with all your friendsAthletic............................No boobsAverage looking.................UglyBeautiful...........................Pathological liarContagious Smile................Does a lot of pillsEmotionally secure..............On medicationFeminist............................FatFree spirit..........................JunkieFriendship first...................Former slutFun..................................AnnoyingGentle..............................DullNew Age...........................Body hair in the wrong placesOpen-minded.....................DesperateOutgoing...........................Loud and EmbarrassingPassionate........................Sloppy drunkPoet.................................DepressiveProfessional.......................BitchRomantic...........................FrigidVoluptuous........................Very FatLarge frame.......................Hugely FatWants Soul mate................StalkerWidow..............................MurdererWOMEN'S ENGLISH1. Yes = No2. No = Yes3. Maybe = No4. We need = I want5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry6. We need to talk = you're in trouble7. Sure, go ahead = you better not8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later9. I am not upset = of course I am upset, you moron!10. You're very attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?MEN'S ENGLISH1. I am hungry = I am hungry2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy3. I am tired = I am tired4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!5. I love you = let's have sex now6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you11. Those shoes don't go with that outfit = I'm gay
Yep that's how it is!!! Thought you gentlemen might like this one!!!
During a commercial airline flight an Air Force Pilot was seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms. When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible. The pilot pretended not to notice and, upon disembarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related impedimenta. When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, "Gosh, that's a good looking baby...and he sure was hungry!" Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said nursing would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears. The Air Force Pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion exclaimed, "And all these years, I've been chewing gum."
Wahoo! So good...! Karma for you!
AND
I'm not the only one who found it funny:
HEHEHE Which one is teddy?
Hello!
tbc is gonna get you for that, TG....she's pretty good with PS also....
teddy won't hurt me, will ya
tedz wouldn't hurt anyone. ever.
BUT.....
Aren't you glad we're friends...Bwah hah hah
hahaha Oh man, I take crap photos
How about starkers and angus: "Hot Saturday Night Date in Montana"
TG loves Johnny:
hehe Is that Johnny Depp if so, booyah!
see how nice i am?
I prefer Al Pacino, or OZZY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
\m/ \m/ <-----------Doin' the metal/evil thang
...#184 .....woah there!!!! I'm sure my horse really doesn't appreciate having his pic in a forum!!!
And Doc, I have your photo now on my desktop.... thinking of what I can do with it!!!
Me too teddy MAHAHAHA
lol
You realize....this means war!
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