I hope these bring a smile, I myself was laughing very hard!!! No disrespect meant to anyone, and no one killed in the making of, either!!!
The first one...
A dog is truly a man's best friend.If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you????????
The second...
A man with a pegleg, hook hand and an eyepatch went to apply to be a pirate.Interviewer: How did you get that pegleg?Pirate: Arrr. I got me leg shot off during the first world war.Interviewer: How did you get that hook?Pirate: I got me hand cut off by a big knife.Interviewer: What about your eyepatch?Pirate: It was a rainy afternoon and I looked up into the sky and a bird crapped in me eye.Interviewer: And that put your eye out?Pirate: No, it was the day after I got me hook.
And last, but not least....
The foreman points out a huge pile of sand. He says to the Italian guy, 'You're in charge of sweeping.'To the Scotsman he says, 'You're in charge of shoveling.'And to the Chinese guy, 'You're in charge of supplies.'He then says, 'Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile of sand.'So when the foreman returns, after being away for a couple of hours, the pile of sand is untouched. He asks the Italian, 'Why didn't you sweep any of it?'The Italian replies, ' I no hava no broom You saida to the Chinese-a-fella that he was in charge of supplies, but he has a disappeared and I no could finda him nowhere.'Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, 'And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile.'The Scotsman replies, 'Aye, that ye did laddie, boot ah couldnay get meself a shoovel! Ye left that Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldnay fin' him neither.'The foreman is really angry now. He storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy. Just then, the Chinese guy leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells....................'SUPPLIES!!!!'
Awesome!!!! I can't stop laughing
No offense to anyone!
OMG. LMAO!!! Wicked one Ed
As if life wasn't hard enough.........
oh my all of them!!!!
A mental health Christmas card....
Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?
One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way homefrom work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and toldhim that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passedby a small diner and the odor of baked beans was more than I couldstand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any illeffects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and beforeI knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans!All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas. Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly:'Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight.' He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until hereturned and went to answer the call. The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressurewas becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room Iseized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over askunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap andfanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes.The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewellssignaled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few moretimes with my napkin, placed it on my lap and foldedmy hands back on itfeeling very relieved and pleased with myself.My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husbandreturned, apologizing for taking so long.. He asked me if I had peekedthrough the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seatedaround the table chorused: 'Happy Birthday!'I fainted!!!!!!!!!!!!! ======================================================================================
Good one Doc!!!!!
World Submarine Races
What were you expecting to see?????
LOL
Ok, this guy gets robbed out in the middle of nowhere, they took everything, his car, wallet, and clothes, and left him naked tied to a tree.
This car passing by stops, and a guy gets out and walks up to the dude tied to the tree and asks what happened.
"I was robbed, they took everything and left me tied up here, naked in the heat, dying of thirst!"
The other guy listens intently then starts to undo his pants and says..
"It's just not your day.. is it"
I'd heard it before, but still love it!
To Be 6 Again...
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday. 'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie; popcorn; a soda pop; and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being six again?'
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. 'I meant my dress size, you retard!!!!'
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.
That's like "so these make my butt look big". You'd better be a deaf mute, say no or run.
A group of girlfriends are on vacation, when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads, "For Women Only". Since they were without their boyfriends or parents, they decide to go in. The desk clerk, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors...go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide, since each floor has signs telling you what's inside." So they start going up, and on the first floor the sign reads, "All the men here have it short and thin." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor. The sign on the second floor reads, "All the men here have it long and thin." Still, this wasn't good enough, so the friends move up to the third floor, where the sign reads, "All the men here have it short and thick." This was still another disappointment, but knowing there are still 2 floors left, they move on to the next floor. On the fourth floor, the sign was perfect. "All the men here have it long and thick." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is one floor left. Wondering what they were missing, they go to the fifth floor, where the sign reads, "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."
Two guys, Mike and Rob were on the roof, laying tile, when a sudden gust of wind came and knocked down their ladder."I have an idea, " said Mike. "We’ll throw you down, and then you can pick up the ladder.""What, do you think I’m stupid? I have an idea. I’ll shine my flashlight, and you can climb down on the beam of light.""What, do you think I’m stupid? You’ll just turn off the flashlight when I’m halfway there."
Subject: Mexican History
Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise wasmanufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jarsof the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, whichwas to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop inNew York.
This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise everdelivered to Mexico.
But as we know... the great ship did not make it to New York. Theship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost. Thepeople of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerlyawaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguishwas so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning which theystill observe to this day...
The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th... and isknown...of course...
as "Sinko de Mayo"
Q: Did you hear about the cowboy who got himself a dachshund?A: Everyone kept telling him to get a long, little doggie.
This one is just as *bad* as yours Angus!!!
German scientists dug 50 metres underground and discovered small pieces of copper. After studying these pieces for a long time, Germany announced that the ancient Germans 25,000 years ago had a nationwide telephone network. Naturally, the British government was not that easily impressed. They ordered their own scientists to dig even deeper. 100 metres down, they found small pieces of glass, and they soon announced that the ancient Brits 35,000 years ago already had a nationwide fibre net. Israeli scientists were outraged. They dug 50, 100 and 200 metres underground, but found absolutely nothing......They concluded that the ancient Hebrews 55,000 years ago had cellular telephones.
=====================================================================================
Comments about The French
"I just love the French. They taste like chicken!"---- Hannibal Lecter "I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me."--- General George S. Patton "Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordion."--Norman Schwartzkopf "As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure"---Jacques Chirac, President of France "As far as France is concerned, you're right."---Rush Limbaugh, "The only time France wants us to go to war is when the German Army is sitting in Paris sipping coffee."--- Regis Philbin An old saying:Raise your right hand if you like the French....Raise both hands if you are French. "You know, the French remind me a little bit of an aging actress of the 1940s who was still trying to dine out on her looks but doesn't have the face for it."---John McCain, U.S. Senator from Arizona "You know why the French don't want to bomb Saddam Hussein? Because he hates America, he loves mistresses and wears a beret. He is French, people."--Conan O'Brien "I don't know why people are surprised that France won't help us get Saddam out of Iraq. After all, France wouldn't help us get the Germans out of France!"--Jay Leno "The last time the French asked for 'more proof' it came marching into Paris under a German flag."--David Letterman
Try here for a little sole: http://www.sockandawe.com/
That says so much much about my birthday.....what a shame.....LOL
It was my first wife's BD also......HELLman's. Sorry Immy......ole.
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