I hope these bring a smile, I myself was laughing very hard!!! No disrespect meant to anyone, and no one killed in the making of, either!!!
The first one...
A dog is truly a man's best friend.If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you????????
The second...
A man with a pegleg, hook hand and an eyepatch went to apply to be a pirate.Interviewer: How did you get that pegleg?Pirate: Arrr. I got me leg shot off during the first world war.Interviewer: How did you get that hook?Pirate: I got me hand cut off by a big knife.Interviewer: What about your eyepatch?Pirate: It was a rainy afternoon and I looked up into the sky and a bird crapped in me eye.Interviewer: And that put your eye out?Pirate: No, it was the day after I got me hook.
And last, but not least....
The foreman points out a huge pile of sand. He says to the Italian guy, 'You're in charge of sweeping.'To the Scotsman he says, 'You're in charge of shoveling.'And to the Chinese guy, 'You're in charge of supplies.'He then says, 'Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile of sand.'So when the foreman returns, after being away for a couple of hours, the pile of sand is untouched. He asks the Italian, 'Why didn't you sweep any of it?'The Italian replies, ' I no hava no broom You saida to the Chinese-a-fella that he was in charge of supplies, but he has a disappeared and I no could finda him nowhere.'Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, 'And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile.'The Scotsman replies, 'Aye, that ye did laddie, boot ah couldnay get meself a shoovel! Ye left that Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldnay fin' him neither.'The foreman is really angry now. He storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy. Just then, the Chinese guy leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells....................'SUPPLIES!!!!'
For all the Grandpa's....In my email from a Grandpa!!
A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall.
He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa!"
"The cop asked, "What's he like?"
The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied,
"Crown Royal whiskey and women with big tits."
That is a naughty grandpa!!!
Shucks, I didn't know the little feller had lost me... was too busy perving at big puppies to notice I was missing.
Here's a test:
It's my humble opinion that we've become WAY too dependent on computers.
Question:
Are you male or female?
Answer: (look down)
.
I wrote "Look Down, not Scroll Down....and I think you've got your answer!
I neither scrolled or looked down! I figured that there wasn't a lot to see 'down there'... so I didn't bother. Now if it had been somebody else's 'down there', and she was OK with it, I might've took a peek.
yup.....you must've been thinking of "Pok 'er"
Here's a laugh:
The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express Praise for answered prayers. A lady stood and walked to the podium. She said, 'I have a Praise'. 'Two months ago, my husband Jim had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him.' You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced. She continued, 'Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation. They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place.' Again, the men in the Congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Jim. She continued, 'Now, Jim is out of the hospital and the doctor's say, with time, his scrotum should recover completely.' All the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if any one else had anything to say. A man rose and walked slowly to the podium. He said, 'I'm Jim and I want to tell my wife the word is sternum.'
This one cracks me no matter how many times I read it.
A furious light sabre duel is under way. DARTH VADER is backing LUKE SKYWALKER toward the end of the gantry. A quick move by Vader chops off Luke's hand! It goes spinning off into the ventilation shaft. Luke backs away. He looks around, but realizes there's nowhere to go but straight down.
Darth Vader: "Obi Wan never told you what happened to your father."
Luke: "He told me enough! He told me you killed him!"
Darth Vader: "No! I am your father!"
Luke: "No, it's not true! It's impossible."
Darth Vader: "Search your feelings; you know it to be true."
Luke: "NO!"
Darth Vader: "Yes, it is true and you know what else? You know that brass droid of yours?"
Luke: "Threepio?"
Darth Vader: "Yes, Threepio, I built him when I was seven years old."
Luke: "No."
Darth Vader: "Seven years old? And what have you done? Look at yourself, no hand, no job, and couldn't even levitate your own ship out of the swamp."
Luke: "I destroyed your precious Death Star!"
Darth Vader: "When you were 20! When I was 10, I single-handedly destroyed a Trade Federation Droid Control ship!"
Luke: "Well, it's not my fault."
Darth Vader: "Oh, here we go. 'Poor me, my father never gave me what I wanted for my birthday, boo hoo, my daddy's the Dark Lord of the Sith .. waahhh wahhh!'"
Luke: "Shut up."
Darth Vader: "You're a slacker! By the time I was your age, I had exterminated the Jedi knights!"
Luke: "I used to race my T-16 through Beggar's Canyon!"
Darth Vader: "Oh, for the love of the Emperor, 10 years old, winner of the Boonta Eve Open. Only human to ever fly a Pod Racer, right here baby!
Luke looks down the shaft. Takes a step toward it.
Darth Vader: "I was wrong. You're not my kid. I don't know whose you are, but you sure ain't mine."
Luke takes a step off the platform, hesitates, then plunges down the shaft.
Darth Vader looks after him.
Darth Vader: "And get a haircut!"
tbc and tailsgirl:
The Vader joke should be "Oy Vader"....and get a haircut!!!!!!!!!LOLOLOL
Thanx girls. Barb had me squirming, tho.
THE AMISH LADY :
An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop. "Ma'am, I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy." "Oh, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home." "That's fine. Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around one of his balls. I consider that animal abuse. That's cruelty to animals. Have your husband take care of that right away!" Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop. "Well, dear, what exactly did he say?" asked the husband. "He said the reflector is broken." replied the Amish lady. "I can fix that in two minutes. What else?" asked the husband. The wife replied, "I'm not sure, Jacob . . . Something about the emergency brake."
The wife replied, "I'm not sure, Jacob . . . Something about the emergency brake."
The Zipper
As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became
aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to
come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus
driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little,
thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg
She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached
behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the
second time attempted the step.
Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg
With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind
to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing
behind her picked her up easily by the waist
and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the
would-be Samaritan
and yelled,
'How dare you touch my body!
I don't even know who you are!'
The Texan smiled and drawled,
'Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you,
but after you unzipped my fly three times,
I kinda figured we was friends.'
A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: "I am placed in the door and told when to jump" "My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go" "But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked. "I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground" he answered. "But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked. He quickly answered "Oh, the dog's leash goes slack".
HOW TO INSTALL THE NEW HOME SECURITY SYSTEM: 1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots. 2. Place them on your front porch, along with several empty beer cans, a copy of Guns & Ammo magazine and several NRA magazines. 3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines. 4. Leave a note on your door that reads: 'Hey Bubba, Big Jim, Duke and Slim, I went to the gun shop for more ammunition. Back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls -- they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part in it but it was hard to tell from all the blood. PS - I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside.' INSTALLATION COMPLETE!!!!
Very good, TBC, that one made my day.
hehehe, glad you liked it!!!! ...here's another...wonder if it could be true!!!
Job Applicationto a fast- food restaurant: NAME: Greg B DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever’s available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn’t be applying here in the first place. DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that’s not possible, make an offer and we can haggle. EDUCATION: Yes. LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle-management hostility.SALARY: Less than I’m worth. MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes. REASON FOR LEAVING: It was lousy. HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any. PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday. DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they’re better suited to a more intimate environment. MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here? DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be, "Do you have a car that runs?" HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes. WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in Bimini with a fabulously wealthy supermodel who thinks I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I’d like to be doing that now. DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise. SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising.
frightening isn't it!!!
Laugh if you want, but I have seen apps come in that were very similar to that. Most people were on unemployement, and were told to go and fill out apps, so, they did.
Hehe, I filled one out once and where it asked "Sex" I wrote: "Yes please, I'll take all that's on offer."
Oh, and BTW, I got the job... everything else was filled out properly and I had the qualifications they were looking for...to be a human whoopee cushion.
Nah, that's the position I wanted... but I ended up being a removalist (mover) shifting peoples furniture around... and I knew the boss pretty well so my little joke on the application form was taken in the spirit it was intended,\
LOL....that doesn't surprise me.
I love it when someone asked us to answer the questions for them 9all apps are on kiosk, no paper) because they are computer illiterate. Strike one if you cant use a puter. C'est le vive
Bon Bons????
Doctor to his patient: How are things going for you at work Mr. Smith? Why do you ask Doctor Johnston? Well during your colonoscopy we found a shoe.
A man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist asked, "Yes sir, may we help you?" "There's something wrong with my dick," he replied. The receptionist became aggravated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that." "Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you." he said. "We do not use language like that here," she said. "Please go outside and come back in and say that there's something wrong with your 'ear' or whatever." The man walked out, waited several minutes and reentered. The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?" "There's something wrong with my 'ear'," he stated. The receptionist nodded approvingly. "And what is wrong with your ear, sir?" "I can't piss out of it." the man replied.
Now then, angus.....I am missing a shoe....how did you know? Hmmmmm.......
A dad and his young daughter were in the supermarket when she rather loudly blurted out: "DAD, DAD, I GOTTA PISS!!!"
Dad was taken quite by surprise by his daughter's outburst but calmly said: "That is not very nice language for little girls and you shouldn't use it so loudly in public... so next time you need to go, quietly come to me and say that you need to whisper."
Later that night the daughter awoke totally busting and went into her father: "Daddy, daddy, I need to whisper."
More asleep than awake, dad says: "That's alright darling, whisper in my ear."
Fortunately for dad, she didn't need to shout.
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