A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.
She puts on her robe and goes down stairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of
coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 17?"
he asks solemnly. The wife is touched thinking her
husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies.
The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when you father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside
him. The husband continues..."Do you remember when he shoved a
shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my
daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years".
"I remember that too", she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have gotten out today!

*********************************************************************

[CLASSICS]

Agnes married and had 13 children. When her husband died, she married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died. So Agnes remarried and this time had 5 more children. Alas, she finally died.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, “Lord, they’re finally together.”
One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, “Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?” The friend replied, “I think he means her legs.”

*************************************************************************************************

For all those WC'ers interested in health related questions - 

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it...don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that’s like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer?  Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these?  Vegetables. So a steaks nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken.

Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100%of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! .... .  Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're drenched in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy?  HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!!It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember: ‘Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways -Savvy in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'

AND...

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3.  The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians and French drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like. Being American is apparently what kills you.

officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and Needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Mercedes Benz.

The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car collateral for the loan.

The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blond for using a $110,000 Benz as collateral against a $5,000 loan.

An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Benz into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.

The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire.

What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The blonde replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my Car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

***************************************************************************************

A man is driving down a deserted highway, and notices a sign that
reads: SISTERS OF MERCYHOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 10 MILES.
He thinks it was a figment of his imagination and drives on. Soon, he
sees another sign which says... SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
- 5 MILES.
Realizing these signs are for real, he drives on, and sure enough,
there is a third... SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - NEXT
RIGHT.
His curiosity gets the best of him, and he pulls into the driveway. On
the far side of the parking lot, is a somber stone building with a
sign on the door that reads... SISTERS OF MERCY. He climbs the steps,
rings the bell, and a nun answers the door in a long black habit, who
asks "What may we do for you, my son?"
"I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly
doing some business," he answers.
"Very well, my son. Please follow me," says the nun.
He is led through many winding passages, and soon he is very
disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man,
"Please, knock on this door" and leaves. The man does as he is told,
and this door is opened by another nun in a long black habit, holding
a tin cup. This nun instructs "Please place $50.00 in the cup, then go
through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway." He places
the money in this nuns tin cup. He trots eagerly down the hallway, and
slips through the door, pulling it shut.
As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking
lot, facing another small sign: "Go In Peace. You have just been
screwed by the Sisters Of Mercy."

EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT. SO I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD HIM:   'I have problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.'   'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears. ''How much do you charge?' 'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor. I'll sleep on it,' I said.   Six months later the doctor met me on the street. 'Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked. 'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!'   'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?'   'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! Ain't nobody under there now!'

Two Men were out fishing when one decides to have a smoke He asks the other guy if he has a lighter He replies " Yes i do " and hands the other a 10 inch long BIC lighter Surprised the guy asks "Where did you get this?" The guy replies " Oh I have a personal genie" The first man asks "Can i make a wish? " Sure says the other man "Just make sure that you speak clearly cause he is a little hard at hearing" "Ok I will" says the other as he rubs the lamp a genie appears and asks the man what he wants The man says " I want a Million Bucks " The genie says OK and goes back to his bottle and 10 seconds later a million ducks fly over head And the guy says to the other " Your genie realy sucks at hearing doesnt He?" The other man replies "I know, do you really think I asked for a 10 inch BIC"

**********************************************************************************

Girl : "Forgive me father for I have sinned."

Priest : "What have you done my child?"

Girl : "I called a man a son of a bitch."

Priest : "Why did you call him a son of a
bitch?"

Girl : "Because he touched my hand."

Priest : "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)

Girl : "Yes father."

Priest : "That's no reason to call a man a son
of a bitch."

Girl : "Then he touched my breast."

Priest : "Like this?" (as he touched her breast)

Girl : "Yes father."

Priest : "That's no reason to call him a son of a
bitch."

Girl : "Then he took off my clothes, father."

Priest : "Like this?" (as he takes off her
clothes)

Girl : "Yes father."

Priest : "That's no reason to call him a son of a
bitch."

Girl : "Then he stuck his you know what into
my you know where."

Priest : "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know
what into her you know where)
Girl : "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES
FATHER!!!"

(after a few minutes)

Priest : "That's no reason to call him a son of a
bitch."

Girl : "But father,he had AIDS!"

Priest : "THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!"