I hope these bring a smile, I myself was laughing very hard!!! No disrespect meant to anyone, and no one killed in the making of, either!!!
The first one...
A dog is truly a man's best friend.If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you????????
The second...
A man with a pegleg, hook hand and an eyepatch went to apply to be a pirate.Interviewer: How did you get that pegleg?Pirate: Arrr. I got me leg shot off during the first world war.Interviewer: How did you get that hook?Pirate: I got me hand cut off by a big knife.Interviewer: What about your eyepatch?Pirate: It was a rainy afternoon and I looked up into the sky and a bird crapped in me eye.Interviewer: And that put your eye out?Pirate: No, it was the day after I got me hook.
And last, but not least....
The foreman points out a huge pile of sand. He says to the Italian guy, 'You're in charge of sweeping.'To the Scotsman he says, 'You're in charge of shoveling.'And to the Chinese guy, 'You're in charge of supplies.'He then says, 'Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile of sand.'So when the foreman returns, after being away for a couple of hours, the pile of sand is untouched. He asks the Italian, 'Why didn't you sweep any of it?'The Italian replies, ' I no hava no broom You saida to the Chinese-a-fella that he was in charge of supplies, but he has a disappeared and I no could finda him nowhere.'Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, 'And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile.'The Scotsman replies, 'Aye, that ye did laddie, boot ah couldnay get meself a shoovel! Ye left that Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldnay fin' him neither.'The foreman is really angry now. He storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy. Just then, the Chinese guy leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells....................'SUPPLIES!!!!'
A Scottish Solder in full dress uniform marches into a chemists.> Very carefully he opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded > cotton bandana, unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square > handkerchief, which he also unfolds - to reveal a condom.> The condom has a number of patches on it.> The chemist holds it up and eyes it critically.> “How much to repair it?” the Scot asks the chemist.> “Six pence,” says the chemist.> “How much for a new one?”> “Ten pence,”says the chemist.> The Scot painstakingly folds the condom into the silk square > handkerchief and the cotton bandana, replaces it carefully in his > sporran and marches out of the door, shoulders back and kilt > swinging.> A moment or two later the chemist hears a great shout go up outside, > followed by an even greater shout.> The Scottish soldier marches back into the chemists and addresses the > proprietor, this time with a grin on his face.> “The regiment has taken a vote,” he says.> “We’ll have a new one.
ok this is not a joke but it has some funny bits in it
and this one roflmao
@ #e26. Very Good
Which reminds me....
A young Scotsman wins 6 million in the lottery and the next thing you know there's friends coming out of the woodwork, begging letters arriving by the sackful. To offset the greedy grab at his new-found wealth, he preempts each request and gives the person a crisp new 50 pound note. Thing is, he doesn't realise just how much money he has gone through from his allotted charity amount, so when he gets to his father, who had heard about the 50 pound donations, all he had left was 20 pounds.
"So dad," he asked: "what are you going to do with your 25 quid?"
"Well, son," the father smugly replies: "when the registry office opens in the morning, I'm going down there to buy a marriage license.... then I'm going to ask a few friends around and I'm going to marry your mother."
...............................................................................................
Then there was the Scotsman who won 60 million on the football pools After getting home from a double shift of triple overtime, his wife said they had sackfuls of mail, some were letters of congratulations, some were begging letters. She was somewhat overwhelmed by it all and wasn't too sure as to what to do about them.
"So," she asked: "what should I do about all the begging letters?"
"Keep sending 'em," he replied: "keep sending 'em!"
HOW TO BE GRACIOUS HE!!! HE !!!
Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement - not even her parent's nasty divorce.
Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear, and would be the best-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!
A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new, young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother!
Jennifer asked her father's new young wife to exchange it, but she refused. “Absolutely not! I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it,” she replied.
Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, ''Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day.''
A few days later, they went shopping, and did find another gorgeous dress for her mother.
When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, ''Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it."
Her mother just smiled and replied, ''Of course I do, dear.....I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night BEFORE the wedding.''
(NOW I ASK YOU - IS THERE A WOMAN OUT THERE, ANYWHERE, WHO WOULDN'T ENJOY THIS STORY?)
Women are like phones: They like to be held, talked to, and touched often. But push the wrong button and your ass is disconnected!
Women are Angels. And when someone breaks our wings.... We simply continue to fly ........ on a broomstick..... We are flexible like that.
Damn…..we’re good at our job
HOW TO CLEAN THE HOUSE IN 2011 1. Open a new file in your PC. 2. Name it 'Housework.' 3. Send it to the RECYCLE BIN. 4. Empty the RECYCLE BIN. 5. Your PC will ask you, 'Are you sure you want to delete Housework permanently?' 6. Calmly answer,'Yes' and press mouse button firmly. 7. Feel better? Works for me!
How the Internet Started
A revelation with an Incredibly Big Message (IBM):
Well, you might have thought that you knew how the Internet started, but here's the TRUE story ....
In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.
And she said unto Abraham, her husband: "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"
And Abraham did look at her - as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said: "How, dear?"
And Dot replied: "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.
To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was called Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP)
But this success did arouse envy.. A man named Maccabia did secrete himself inside Abraham's drum and began to siphon off some of Abraham's business. But he was soon discovered, arrested and prosecuted - for insider trading.
And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.
And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. And indeed did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.
And Dot did say: "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others."
And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel , or eBay as it came to be known. He said: "We need a name that reflects what we are."
And Dot replied: "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO," said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.
Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside. It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE)
And that is how it all began.
John was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink.
"You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!"
Now John gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive.
"How do you know this, Sister?"
"My Mother Superior told me so."
"But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?"
"Don't be ridiculous--of course I have never taken alcohol myself"
"Then let me buy you a drink - if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life"
"How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!"
"I'll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, then no one will ever know."
The Nun reluctantly agrees, so John goes inside to the bar.
"Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks", then he lowers his voice and says to the barman "and could you put the vodka in a teacup?"
"Oh no! It's not that Nun again is it?"
ROFL @734, 5 & 6
this is not a joke but cool all the same
Housework was a woman's job, but one evening, Janice arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of laundry in the washer and another in the dryer. Dinner was on the stove, and the table set. She was astonished!
It turns out that Chuck had read an article that said, 'Wives who work full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex'.
The night went very well. The next day, Janice told her Red Hat friends all about it. 'We had a great dinner. Chuck even cleaned up the kitchen. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put it away. I really enjoyed the evening.'
'But what about afterward?' asked her friends.
'Oh, that........... Chuck was too tired.'
Recently a "Husband Super Store" opened where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out in five floors.
The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return. A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping center to find some husbands...
First floor The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids." The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having a job or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they went.
Second floor The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking." "Hmmm," said the ladies, "But, I wonder what's further up?"
Third floor This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework." "Wow," said the women, "Very tempting." But there was another floor, so further up they went.
Fourth floor This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak." "Oh, mercy me," they cried, "Just think what must be awaiting us further on! So up to the fifth floor they went.
Fifth floor The sign on that door said, "This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are impossible to please. The exit is to your left."
I didn't say it. I'm innocent I tell ya. Cause if I did I'd be lookin' over my shoulder wondering where the rolling pin is coming from. He he
Sixties Hits Revised Some of the artists of the 60's are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers who can remember doing the "Limbo” as if it were yesterday. Seems as though I know them all!
They include: Bobby Darin ---Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' A Flash
Ringo Starr ---I Get By With A Little Help From Depends
The Bee Gees -- -How Can You Mend A Broken Hip?
Roberta Flack---The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face
Johnny Nash ---I Can't See Clearly Now.?
Paul Simon---Fifty Ways To Lose Your Liver
The Commodores ---Once, Twice, Three Times To The Bathroom
Procol Harem---A Whiter Shade Of Hair?
Leo Sayer ---
You Make Me Feel Like Napping
The Temptations ---
Papa's Got A Kidney Stone
Abba---Denture Queen "You haven't seen my teeth have you Wilma?
Tony Orlando ---Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall
Helen Reddy ---I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore
Leslie Gore---It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry If I Want To
And Last but NOT least...Willie Nelson ---On the Commode Again
ROFLMAO!!
This may or may not qualify but I thought it funny anyway.
Google is set to release Android 4.0 codenamed Ice Cream Sandwich. So I clicked on it and this is what I got. The Brand spanking new melt in your hand portable telephone.
http://images.search.yahoo.com/search/images;_ylt=A2KJ3CS4moVOIVcAjzXQtDMD?p=Ice+Cream+Sandwich&fr2=piv-news
that could be a sticky mess
oops!!! Good one Doc!!!
I mean OUCH!!!
So... she was like screaming, "Give it to me! Give it to me NOW! I'm so effing wet!"
And I'm like, screw that. I'm keeping the umbrella!
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