I hope these bring a smile, I myself was laughing very hard!!! No disrespect meant to anyone, and no one killed in the making of, either!!!
The first one...
A dog is truly a man's best friend.If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you????????
The second...
A man with a pegleg, hook hand and an eyepatch went to apply to be a pirate.Interviewer: How did you get that pegleg?Pirate: Arrr. I got me leg shot off during the first world war.Interviewer: How did you get that hook?Pirate: I got me hand cut off by a big knife.Interviewer: What about your eyepatch?Pirate: It was a rainy afternoon and I looked up into the sky and a bird crapped in me eye.Interviewer: And that put your eye out?Pirate: No, it was the day after I got me hook.
And last, but not least....
The foreman points out a huge pile of sand. He says to the Italian guy, 'You're in charge of sweeping.'To the Scotsman he says, 'You're in charge of shoveling.'And to the Chinese guy, 'You're in charge of supplies.'He then says, 'Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile of sand.'So when the foreman returns, after being away for a couple of hours, the pile of sand is untouched. He asks the Italian, 'Why didn't you sweep any of it?'The Italian replies, ' I no hava no broom You saida to the Chinese-a-fella that he was in charge of supplies, but he has a disappeared and I no could finda him nowhere.'Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, 'And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile.'The Scotsman replies, 'Aye, that ye did laddie, boot ah couldnay get meself a shoovel! Ye left that Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldnay fin' him neither.'The foreman is really angry now. He storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy. Just then, the Chinese guy leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells....................'SUPPLIES!!!!'
Went to the doctor for my yearly physical. The nurse> starts with certain basics. > > 'How much do you weigh?' she asks. '135,'> I say.> > The nurse puts me on the scale. It turns out my weight is> 180.> The nurse asks, 'Your height?' '5 foot> 4,' I say.> > The nurse checks and sees that I only measure> 5'2'.> She then takes my blood pressure and tells me it is very > high.> > 'Of course it's high!' I scream. > > 'When I came in here I was tall and slender! Now> I'm short and fat!'> > She put me on Prozac. What a bitch.
That sounds like my mother.....who, in my youth, would walk into the bathroom every morning at 5 am and pronounce:
"GOD I'm gorgeous!"
Yeah, that was my alarm clock...and a good laugh. Though, seriously, she is beautiful......and modest.....lol
A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place:Man: What's the problem officer?Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.Man: No sir, I was going 65.Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80.(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks.(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt.Man: Shut your mouth, woman!Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way?Wife: No, only when he's drunk.
Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working underyour vehicle...From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story ofa Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have theircar break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed thecar in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of peoplenear the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legsprotruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned privateparts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment,she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, andtucked everything back into place. She took a deep breath and stood up boldly to face the crowd. Shelooked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband, who hadbeen standing idly by. The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.
@ tbc
On a recent flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die," she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?" For a moment, there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stared, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then a man from Montana stands up in the rear of the plane. He is gorgeous: tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt...one button at a time. ..No one moves. ..He removes his shirt. ..Muscles ripple across his chest. ..She gasps... ..He whispers: "Iron this, and get me something to eat...."
Why make the effort...only minutes left!
The Allergists voted to scratch it, and the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves. The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve, and the Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception. The Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted. The Pathologists yelled, 'Over my dead body!' while the Pediatricians said, 'Oh, Grow up!' The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, the Radiologists could see right through it, and the Surgeons cried "Cut it out! Right away!" The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, 'This puts a whole new face on the matter.' The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water. The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no. In the end, the Proctologists left the decision up to some assholes in Washington, which is the reason for our troubles today.
Some of the artists of the 1960's are> revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging> 'baby boomers'.> They include:> > Bobby Darin --- > Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash.> > Herman's Hermits ---> Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely> Walker . > > Ringo Starr --- > I Get By With a Little Help From Depends.> > > > The Bee Gees -- - > How Can You Mend a Broken Hip.> > Roberta Flack--- > The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face.> > Johnny Nash --- > I Can't See Clearly Now.> > Paul Simon--- > Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver > > The Commodores ---> Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom.> > Marvin Gaye --- > Heard It Through the Grape Nuts.> > Procol Harem--- > A Whiter Shade of Hair.> > Leo Sayer --- > You Make Me Feel Like Napping.> > The Temptations --- > Papa's Got a Kidney Stone.> > Abba--- > Denture Queen.> > Tony Orlando --- > Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear> Me Fall.> Helen Reddy --- I Am Woman, Hear Me> Snore.> Leslie Gore--- It's My Procedure, and> I'll Cry If I Want To. > And Last but NOT least > > Willie Nelson --- On the Commode Again
good one Angus!!!
A woman walks into the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards."What denomination?" asks the clerk."Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?" said the woman. "Well, give me 50 Baptist and 50 Catholic and one Methodist."
The power of> Alcohol A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The> doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born> without torso, arms or legs.The son is just a head! But the> dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with> love and compassion. After 21 years, the son is now old> enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar,> tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the> biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar> patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his> head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. > Swoooosh! Plop!! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent;> then bursts into whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs> his son to drink again. The patrons chant 'Take another> drink!' The bartender continues to shake his head in> dismay . Swoooosh! Plip! Plop!! Two arms pop out. The bar> goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to> drink again. The patrons chant, 'Take another drink!> Take another drink!!' The bartender ignore s the whole> affair and goes back to polishing glasses, shaking his head,> clearly unimpressed by the amazing scenes. By now the boy> is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reaches down,> grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Plop! Plip!! Two> legs pop out. The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his> knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new> legs and stumbles to the left then staggers to the right> through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs> over him and kills him instantly. The bar falls silent. > The father moans in grief . The bartender sighs and says, > (Wait for it) * (It's coming) * (Ya ready?) *> (Don't hate me) * * (You're gonna hate me) * *> (Take a deep breath) 'He should've quit while he> was a head
I hated school two.
==================================
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized. "Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, and then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub." "Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup." "No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
DEAR MADAM: THANK YOU FOR YOUR RECENT ORDER FROM OUR SEX TOYS SHOP. YOU ASKED FOR THE LARGE RED VIBRATOR AS FEATURED ON OUR WALL DISPLAY. PLEASE SELECT ANOTHER ITEM BECAUSE THAT IS OUR FIRE EXTINGUISHER.
Well, does that mean the plaid one is out of the question as well?????
After curried cabbage for dinner this evening
the missus and I had a farting contest
I did one... then she did a louder one
I did another much louder one to top hers
She then did another which beat that by far
So I let one almighty rip go and she went two............
continuous minutes longer.
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them. Hellloooo,...........just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves! Helllooooo? It's been a year! I told him. There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up. He never called back. I bet he felt li ke an idiot.
Indian Chief 'Two Eagles' was asked by a white government official, 'You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and t he damage he's done.' The Chief nodded in agreement.The official continued, 'Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?'The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied. 'When white man find land, Indians running it, no taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water.Women did all the work, Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex.'Then the chief leaned back and smiled. 'Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that.'
To posts 66 and 67
ROFLMFAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
To My Bank Dear Sirs, In view of what seems to be happening internationally with banks at the moment, I was wondering if you could advise me. If one of my checks is returned marked "insufficient funds," how do I know whether that refers to me or to you? Sincerely, Your Customer
1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks and cleans from time to time, and has a job. 2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh. 3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you. 4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you. 5. It's very, very important that these four women don't know each other.
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days." Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely!" "This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?" The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."
This may be a little 'close to the mark but to hell here goes:-
A young man called Chris from London wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend.They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived in Scotland.Chris consulted with his sister and decided, after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note. not too romantic and not too personal.Off he went with his sister to Harrods and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a pair of sexy knickers for herself at the same time.Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Chris unknowingly got the knickers.Good old Chris sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter.Dear Maggie,I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings.
If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which are easier to remove).These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and I hardly noticed any marks.I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them..I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again.When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing.Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year.I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.All my love,ChrisP.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing.
A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear-splitting yell." "My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is?" "The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up."
That's a good one Leo!!!! Yours too Doc!!!! Angels Explained By Children I only know the names of two angels, Hark and Harold. -Gregory, 5 Everybody's got it all wrong. Angels don't wear halos anymore. I forget why, but scientists are working on it -Olive, 9 It's not easy to become an angel! First, you die. Then you go to Heaven, and then there's still the flight training to go through. And then you got to agree to wear those angel clothes. -Matthew, 9 Angels work for God and watch over kids when God has to go do something else. -Mitchell, 7 My guardian angel helps me with math, but he's not much good for science. -Henry, 8 Angels don't eat, but they drink milk from Holy Cows!!! -Jack, 6 Angels talk all the way while they're flying you up to heaven. The main subject is where you went wrong before you got dead. -Daniel, 9 When an angel gets mad, he takes a deep breath and counts to ten. And when he lets out his breath, somewhere there's a tornado. -Reagan, 10 Angels have a lot to do and they keep very busy. If you lose a tooth, an angel comes in through your window and leaves money under your pillow. Then when it gets cold, angels go south for the winter. -Sara, 6 Angels live in cloud houses made by God and his son, who's a very good carpenter. -Jared, 8 All angels are girls because they gotta wear dresses, and boys didn't go for it. -Antonio, 9 My angel is my grandma who died last year. She got a big head start on helping me while she was still down here on earth. -Ashley , 9 Some of the angels are in charge of helping heal sick animals and pets. And if they don't make the animals get better, they help the child get over it. -Vicki, 8 What I don't get about angels is why, when someone is in love, they shoot arrows at them. -Sarah, 7
That's a good one Leo!!!! Yours too Doc!!!!
Angels Explained By Children I only know the names of two angels, Hark and Harold.
-Gregory, 5
Everybody's got it all wrong. Angels don't wear halos anymore. I forget why, but scientists are working on it -Olive, 9 It's not easy to become an angel! First, you die. Then you go to Heaven, and then there's still the flight training to go through. And then you got to agree to wear those angel clothes. -Matthew, 9 Angels work for God and watch over kids when God has to go do something else. -Mitchell, 7 My guardian angel helps me with math, but he's not much good for science. -Henry, 8 Angels don't eat, but they drink milk from Holy Cows!!! -Jack, 6 Angels talk all the way while they're flying you up to heaven. The main subject is where you went wrong before you got dead. -Daniel, 9 When an angel gets mad, he takes a deep breath and counts to ten. And when he lets out his breath, somewhere there's a tornado. -Reagan, 10 Angels have a lot to do and they keep very busy. If you lose a tooth, an angel comes in through your window and leaves money under your pillow. Then when it gets cold, angels go south for the winter. -Sara, 6 Angels live in cloud houses made by God and his son, who's a very good carpenter. -Jared, 8 All angels are girls because they gotta wear dresses, and boys didn't go for it. -Antonio, 9 My angel is my grandma who died last year. She got a big head start on helping me while she was still down here on earth. -Ashley , 9 Some of the angels are in charge of helping heal sick animals and pets. And if they don't make the animals get better, they help the child get over it. -Vicki, 8 What I don't get about angels is why, when someone is in love, they shoot arrows at them. -Sarah, 7
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