I hope these bring a smile, I myself was laughing very hard!!! No disrespect meant to anyone, and no one killed in the making of, either!!!
The first one...
A dog is truly a man's best friend.If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you????????
The second...
A man with a pegleg, hook hand and an eyepatch went to apply to be a pirate.Interviewer: How did you get that pegleg?Pirate: Arrr. I got me leg shot off during the first world war.Interviewer: How did you get that hook?Pirate: I got me hand cut off by a big knife.Interviewer: What about your eyepatch?Pirate: It was a rainy afternoon and I looked up into the sky and a bird crapped in me eye.Interviewer: And that put your eye out?Pirate: No, it was the day after I got me hook.
And last, but not least....
The foreman points out a huge pile of sand. He says to the Italian guy, 'You're in charge of sweeping.'To the Scotsman he says, 'You're in charge of shoveling.'And to the Chinese guy, 'You're in charge of supplies.'He then says, 'Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile of sand.'So when the foreman returns, after being away for a couple of hours, the pile of sand is untouched. He asks the Italian, 'Why didn't you sweep any of it?'The Italian replies, ' I no hava no broom You saida to the Chinese-a-fella that he was in charge of supplies, but he has a disappeared and I no could finda him nowhere.'Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, 'And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile.'The Scotsman replies, 'Aye, that ye did laddie, boot ah couldnay get meself a shoovel! Ye left that Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldnay fin' him neither.'The foreman is really angry now. He storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy. Just then, the Chinese guy leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells....................'SUPPLIES!!!!'
I became very confused when I heard the word “service” used with these agencies:
Australian Taxation Department ‘Service’ Australia Post ‘Service’ Telstra ‘Service’ Cable TV ‘Service’ Customer ‘Service’ Civil ‘Service’ City, State & Public ‘Service’
This is not what I thought ‘service’ meant.
But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to ‘service’ his cows. BAM!!! It all came into focus. Now I understand what all those agencies are doing to us.
Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed. A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.' Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000.
The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.
A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Woolworths Supermarket store. There, he surprised her in the produce department & proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath & slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.
However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras & observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the store. Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested. The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared...
'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 @ WOOLWORTHS
I like the first one better. So ... in the interests of playing fair I shall give you for #1 ..... for #2 and to put aside for when some else says they like #1 better. This way you can say you already got paid for doing #1 and twice for #2 while daving the additional ten for when someone else comes along and say they like #2 better than #1 and you can in all honesty say you got paid for #2 and also for #1 twice for when someone comes along and says they like .................. Hey Shaunna ... how you?
A young cowboy from Texas goes off to college. Half way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money. He calls home. "Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in Austin that will teach our dog, Ol' Blue how to talk!""That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do we get Ol' Blue in that program?""Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says. "I'll get him in the course." So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home. "So how's Ol' Blue doing son?" his father asks."Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this. They've had such good results, they have started to teach theanimals how to read!""Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?""Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class.." The money promptly arrives.But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. So, he shoots the dog.When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited. "Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk to him!""Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, "So, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives down the street?"The father exclaimed, "I hope you shot him so he can’t talk to your Mother!""I sure did, Dad!""That's my boy!"The kid went on to law school, and now serves in Washington D.C. as a Congressman.
TOP 8 MAROONS OF 2010
1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP? AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence. 2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS. Police in Oakland , CA , spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, 'Please come out and give yourself up.' 3. WHAT WAS PLAN B??? An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts! 4. THE GETAWAY! A man walked into a Topeka , Kansas Kwik Stop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him. 5. DID I SAY THAT??? Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words: 'Give me all your money or I'll shoot', the man shouted, 'That's not what I said!' 6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING??? A man spoke frantically into the phone: 'My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart'. 'Is this her first child?' the doctor asked. 'No!' the man shouted, 'This is her husband!' 7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED! In Modesto , CA , Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun. Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (hellooooooo)! 8. THE GRAND FINALE!!! Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert an hour east of Bakersfield, CA, some folks new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 foot boat going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power they applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. NOW REMEMBER...THIS IS TRUE. Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer!
The female dentist pulls out a numbing needle to give the man a shot.
“No way! No needles. I hate needles” the patient said.
The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the man objects.
“I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on suffocates me!”
The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill.
“No objection,” the patient says. “'I'm fine with pills.”
The dentist then returns and says, “Here's a Viagra.”
The patient says, “Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!”
“It doesn't” said the dentist, “but it's going to give you something to hold
on to when I pull your tooth."
hehehe! Getting to the root of the problem.
The Grand Finale was great. and I like the bank robber. Stick 'em up.
Oh jeez. English humor.
, taz and Onklifiziert 
Found it in YouTube...
...laughed my ass off!
"Lebowski - The Yrag Edition".
THE AUSTRALIAN APPROACH
A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job. The manager asked 'Do you have any sales experience?' The young man answered 'Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Dubbo.' The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job. His first day was challenging and busy, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked, 'OK, so how many sales did you make today?' The Aussie said 'One!' The manager groaned and continued, 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?' '£124,237.64p.' The manager choked and exclaimed £124,237.64!! What the hell did you sell him?' 'Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook and then I sold him a new fishing rod.' 'Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Power Cat.' 'Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x4 The manager, incredulous, said, 'You mean to tell me...a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?' 'No, no, no... he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend and I said...
' Well, since your weekend's buggered, you might as well go fishing.'
this may be lame but it was sent to me by my neice who has a weird sense of humor, and there is not meant to be ill intent or of bad taste
In South Sydney , a fire destroyed a multi story block of flats. A Polynesian family of six con artists lived on the first floor, and all six died in the fire.An Islamic group of seven Pakistani welfare cheats, all illegally in the country, lived on the second floor, and they too all perished in the fire.Six Maori ex-cons lived on the 3rd floor and they too died.Four Aboriginal families in the 2 flats on the 4th floor also perished.One white couple lived on the top floor. They survived. Relatives of the deceased and local do-gooders were furious. They flew into Sydney and quickly demanded a meeting with the fire chief.On camera, they loudly demanded to know why the Islanders, Muslims, Maoris and Aboriginals all died in the fire and only the white couple survived.The fire chief quietly replied, "They were both at work."
A Methodist preacher said, "Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar." With that, Tyrone got in line. When it was his turn, the Preacher asked, "Tyrone, what do you want me to pray about for you?" Tyrone replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing." The preacher put one finger of one hand in Tyrone's ear, placed his other hand on top of Tyrone's head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed. He prayed a "blue streak" for Tyrone, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm. After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, "Tyrone, how is your hearing now?" Tyrone answered, "I don't know, Man. It ain't 'til next week."
A red head says "Hey look it's a dead bird" and the blond looked up and says "where"? boom boom
My favorite sitcom at the moment
Can't put in a video so here's the link
Fascinating sitcom. Catchy title too. The Video You Have Requested Is Not Available. I like it.
Well, must be a Forum problem. Click on the link to see the video
Found this on facebook
Anatidaephobia, The fear that somewhere, somehow, a duck is watching you
There are many great features available to you once you register, including:
Sign in or Create Account
