I hope these bring a smile, I myself was laughing very hard!!! No disrespect meant to anyone, and no one killed in the making of, either!!!
The first one...
A dog is truly a man's best friend.If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you????????
The second...
A man with a pegleg, hook hand and an eyepatch went to apply to be a pirate.Interviewer: How did you get that pegleg?Pirate: Arrr. I got me leg shot off during the first world war.Interviewer: How did you get that hook?Pirate: I got me hand cut off by a big knife.Interviewer: What about your eyepatch?Pirate: It was a rainy afternoon and I looked up into the sky and a bird crapped in me eye.Interviewer: And that put your eye out?Pirate: No, it was the day after I got me hook.
And last, but not least....
The foreman points out a huge pile of sand. He says to the Italian guy, 'You're in charge of sweeping.'To the Scotsman he says, 'You're in charge of shoveling.'And to the Chinese guy, 'You're in charge of supplies.'He then says, 'Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile of sand.'So when the foreman returns, after being away for a couple of hours, the pile of sand is untouched. He asks the Italian, 'Why didn't you sweep any of it?'The Italian replies, ' I no hava no broom You saida to the Chinese-a-fella that he was in charge of supplies, but he has a disappeared and I no could finda him nowhere.'Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, 'And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile.'The Scotsman replies, 'Aye, that ye did laddie, boot ah couldnay get meself a shoovel! Ye left that Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldnay fin' him neither.'The foreman is really angry now. He storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy. Just then, the Chinese guy leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells....................'SUPPLIES!!!!'
> Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench > one > morning. > > The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of > breath. > > The 80-year-old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he > did > to have so much energy. > > The 87-year-old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your > energy > level high and you'll also have great stamina with the ladies." > > So, on the way home, 80-year-old stops at the bakery. As he was looking > around, the lady behind the counter asked if he needed any help. > > He said "Do you have any Rye bread?" > > She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?" > > He said, "I want 5 loaves." > > She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves ... By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, > it'll be hard" > > He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody knows about this stuff but me."
DURING a shopping outing in Ireland with her sisters, Agnes O'Brien sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute.
In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the Mystic delivered grave news.
"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year".
Visibly shaken, Agnes stared at the woman's lined face, then at the crystal, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself.
She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice and asked her question. "Will I be acquitted?"
A man picked up a bottle at the beach in the south of England . He opened the bottle and out popped a Fairy,who said "I will grant You One Wish." "Ok The man said , I want to live forever." She replied , "no can do, Not allowed ".
The Man said ," Ok I want to live until England wins the Worlds Cup"
The Fairy replied ," You Cheeky Bastard"
HYSTERICAL... if you are at work, cover your mouth, you WILL laugh out loud!!
In a Chicago Hospital , a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied. A nurse noticed his predicament. Sir, she said "You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall." He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Each button was identified by letters: WW , WA , PP20 and a red one labeled ATR. Who would know if he touched them? He couldn't resist.. He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this. Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.
When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure.
When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.
Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.
"What happened?" he exclaimed. "The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button."
"The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow."
MEN NEVER LISTEN
I can't laugh anymore. Side-splitting already ... lmao
A Mother passing by her son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed nicely made, and everything was picked up.
Then, she saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Mum'. With the worst premonition, she opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands. Dear Mum.
it is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you.
I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is
so much older than I am.
But it's not only the passion, Mum. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy.
She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.
We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and
ecstasy we want.
In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!!
Don't worry Mum, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren.
Love, your son,
Nicholas.
"P.S. Mum, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on my desk".
I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.
An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world. So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando, thinking that he would start by working his way across the USA from South to North.
On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read "$10,000 per call". The American, being intrigued, asked priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for.
The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God. The American thanked the priest and went along his way.
Next stop was in Atlanta. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God. O.K., thank you," said the American. He then travelled to Indianapolis, Washington DC, Philadelphia, Boston, and New York. In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same "$10,000 per call" sign under it.
The American, upon leaving Vermont decided to travel to AUSTRALIA to see if Australians had the same phone. He arrived in Australia, and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read "40 cents per call." The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign.
Father, I've travelled all over America and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in the US the price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?"
The priest smiled and answered, "You're in Australia now, mate - it's a local call".
Happy Christmas to all our soldiers and ex-soldiers
T'WAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS,
HE LIVED ALL ALONE,
IN A ONE BEDROOM HOUSE, MADE OF PLASTER AND STONE.
I HAD COME DOWN THE CHIMNEY, WITH PRESENTS TO GIVE,
AND TO SEE JUST WHO, IN THIS HOME, DID LIVE.
I LOOKED ALL ABOUT, A STRANGE SIGHT I DID SEE,
NO TINSEL, NO PRESENTS, NOT EVEN A TREE.
NO STOCKING BY MANTLE, JUST BOOTS FILLED WITH SAND,
ON THE WALL HUNG PICTURES, OF FAR DISTANT LANDS.
WITH MEDALS AND BADGES, AWARDS OF ALL KINDS,
A SOBER THOUGHT, CAME THROUGH MY MIND.
FOR THIS HOUSE WAS DIFFERENT, IT WAS DARK AND DREARY,
I FOUND THE HOME OF A SOLDIER, ONCE I COULD SEE CLEARLY.
THE SOLDIER LAY SLEEPING, SILENT, ALONE,
CURLED UP ON THE FLOOR, IN THIS ONE BEDROOM HOME.
WAS THIS THE HERO, OF WHOM I'D JUST READ?
CURLED UP ON A PONCHO, THE FLOOR FOR A BED?
I REALIZED THE FAMILIES, THAT I SAW THIS NIGHT,
OWED THEIR LIVES TO THESE SOLDIERS,
WHO WERE WILLING TO FIGHT.
SOON ROUND THE WORLD, THE CHILDREN WOULD PLAY,
AND GROWNUPS WOULD CELEBRATE, A BRIGHT CHRISTMAS DAY.
THEY ALL ENJOYED FREEDOM, EACH MONTH OF THE YEAR,
BECAUSE OF THE SOLDIERS, LIKE THE ONE LYING HERE.
I COULDN'T HELP WONDER, HOW MANY LAY ALONE,
ON A COLD CHRISTMAS EVE, IN A LAND FAR FROM HOME.
THE VERY THOUGHT BROUGHT, A TEAR TO MY EYE,
I DROPPED TO MY KNEES, AND STARTED TO CRY.
THE SOLDIER AWAKENED, AND I HEARD A ROUGH VOICE,
"SANTA DON'T CRY, THIS LIFE IS MY CHOICE;
I FIGHT FOR FREEDOM, I DON'T ASK FOR MORE,
MY LIFE IS MY GOD, MY COUNTRY, MY CORPS."
THE SOLDIER ROLLED OVER, AND DRIFTED TO SLEEP,
I COULDN'T CONTROL IT, I CONTINUED TO WEEP.
I DIDN'T WANT TO LEAVE, ON THAT COLD, DARK, NIGHT,
THIS GUARDIAN OF HONOR, SO WILLING TO FIGHT.
THEN THE SOLDIER ROLLED OVER, WITH A VOICE SOFT AND PURE,
WHISPERED, "CARRY ON SANTA, IT'S CHRISTMAS DAY, ALL IS SECURE."
ONE LOOK AT MY WATCH, AND I KNEW HE WAS RIGHT.
"MERRY CHRISTMAS MY FRIEND, AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT."
Good for you. This is so true.
This one is so touching. It should go out to all those brave lads overseas fighting for what's right in the world. Thank you for this mrs starkers. There's a few vets here who'd appreciate this.
yes it sure is
yes it is so touching.
my prayer is for those that are/have served be safe and keep well and thoughts go out to their family's
Found this on Gizmodo.
You guys crack me up!!!!
Texting for seniors...and you know who you are!!!!
ATD: At The Doctor's BFF: Best Friend Farted BTW: Bring The Wheelchair BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth CBM: Covered By Medicare CUATSC: See You At The Senior Center DWI: Driving While Incontinent FWB: Friend With Beta Blockers FWIW: Forgot Where I Was FYI: Found Your Insulin GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low! GHA: Got Heartburn Again HGBM: Had Good Bowel Movement IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On? LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out LOL: Living On Lipitor LWO: Lawrence Welk's On OMMR: On My Massage Recliner OMSG: Oh My! Sorry, Gas. ROFL... CGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing... And Can't Get Up SGGP: Sorry, Gotta Go Poop TTYL: Talk To You Louder WAITT: Who Am I Talking To? WTFA: Wet The Furniture Again WTP: Where's The Prunes? WWNO: Walker Wheels Need Oil
ROF-DFO-DFD-SOOP-SSMOU ......LMAO
While creating husbands, God promised women that goodand ideal husbands would be found in all corners of the world. And then he made the earth round.
And on the seventh day God created woman and rested.... since then nobody has rested.
BEST TRUE LAWYER STORY OF THE YEAR, DECADE, AND POSSIBLY THE CENTURYThis took place in Charlotte, North Carolina . A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire.Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost 'in a series of small fires.' The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.The lawyer sued - and WON! (Stay with me.)Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable 'fire' and was obligated to pay the claim.Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars that perished in the 'fires'.NOW FOR THE BEST PART...After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine. This true story won First Place in last year's Criminal Lawyers Award contest. ONLY IN AMERICA!!!!! NO WONDER THE REST OF THE WORLD THINKS WE'RE NUTS!!!!!
Doc ...... that is hilarious! Bet the lawyer will think twice about his cigars next time.
Hehe, a lawyer in jail.... HILARIOUS... maybe now Bubba will get his revenge for a grossly inadequate defense.
Since it appears lawyer jokes are "in":
An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed. As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on........ Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs. While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight . Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go up stairs and give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet. They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said. He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!
My First Condom I recall my first time with a condom. I was 16. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at Parchen's pharmacy. In those days it took a lot of guts to go in a store and ask for that kind of item because everyone in town knew me and there was no doubt the young lady (I think her name was Delores) knew what they were for.She was working as an assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was really embarrassed by the whole procedure. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, 'No, not really.'So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure.I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it were empty. It was. 'Just a minute,' she said, and walked to the door and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. 'Do these excite you?' She asked.Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was stand there with my mouth open and nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk. 'Well, come on', she said, 'We don't have much time.'So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful that, unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done within a few moments.She looked at me with a bit of a frown. 'Did you put that condom on, Vince?' she asked. I said, 'sure did,' and held up my thumb to show her.She then beat the shit out of me....Women have always been hard for me to figure out.
The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers."We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife," said one trooper."Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilkens shouted.The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay .""Oh my God!" exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty-five-pound king crabs and 6 good-size Dungeness crabs clinging to her and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch."Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?"The trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow."
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