We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.
As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn’t want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.

My wife goes on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn’t want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, ‘He’s just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.’

A few minutes later, I get into the cab. ‘Sorry I took so long,’ I said, as we drove away. ‘That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!’

The cab driver hit a parked car.

A new Priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.  
After mass he asked the Monsignor how he had done.

The  Monsignor replied,
When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit,
I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass.  
If  I start to get nervous, I take a sip.

So next Sunday he took the Monsignor's advice.   
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.  
He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

 1)  Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

2)  There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3)  There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4)  Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5)  Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6)  We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C..

7)  The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.

8)  David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him..

9)  When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10)  We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'

11)  When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "Take this and eat it for this is my body." He did not say,"Eat me."

12) The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the Cherry'.

13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.

14)  Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's...not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

Australian Federal Police : Investigation

An Officer stops at a dairy farm outside of Melbourne Victoria and talks with the old farmer who's the owner.

He tells the farmer, 'I need to inspect your property for illegally grown marijuana.'

The old Farmer says, 'Okay, but don't go in that field over there.'

The officer verbally explodes saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me"!! Pointing to the badge on his chest he proudly says,

"See this badge"!?

"This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish, on any land, whenever I want to".
"No questions asked, no answers given".
"Have I made myself clear!!??"
"Do you now understand me!!??"

The old farmer nods politely and goes about his chores.

Later, the old guy hears loud screams and spies the deputy running for his life and close behind is a huge breeder bull.

With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer.

The officer is clearly sh******g himself.

The old farmer immediately throws down his pitch fork, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs to the officer.....

"Your badge! Show him your bloody badge!"

A couple, both age 76, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse," and charged them $50. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.

Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house, I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90; the Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50 and I get $43 back from Medicare."

what can I say

pmsl  omg that was good hahahah

The Farmer Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old green John Deere.     

Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left.
He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, he lets his overalls fall down to his hips revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt.

Grabbing both sides of his shirt he rips it apart to reveal his stained tee shirt underneath. 

With a final flourish he tears the tee shirt from his body and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.   

Having seen enough Cletus rushes in and says, "What the heck are you doing, Billy Bob?"

"Jeez, Cletus, ya scared the snot out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob.    "But me and the old lady been having trouble lately in the bedroom department, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."   

Your breakfast's on me...errr....that is...I mean....

The Hotel Bill

An elderly lady decided to give herself a big treat for her significant birthday by staying overnight in one ofLondon's most expensive hotels.

When she checked out next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for £250.00.

She explode and demanded to know why the charge was so high. "It's a nice hotel but the rooms certainly aren't worth £250.00 for just an overnight stop without even breakfast."

The clerk told her that £250.00 is the 'standard rate' so she insisted on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appeared and forewarned by the desk clerk announced: "the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre which are available for use."

'But I didn't use them," she said.

''Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager.

He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers fromEdinburgh, Glasgow, and Aberdeen performing here," the Manager said.

"But I didn't go to any of those shows," she said.

"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, "But I didn't use it!"

The Manager was unmoved, so she decided to pay, wrote a cheque and gave it to the Manager. 

The Manager was surprised when he looked at the cheque. "But madam, this cheque is only made out for £50.00." ''That's correct. I charged you £200.00 for sleeping with me," she replied.

"But I didn't!" exclaims the very surprised Manager.

"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."

Yorkshire Women – not to be messed with!!*

3 men married wives from different countries. 

The first man married a woman from China.  He told her that she was to do their dishes and house cleaning.  It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a woman from Italy.  He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking.  The first day he?didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better.  By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a Yorkshire Lass.  He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal.  He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.

IF MY BODY WERE A CAR...

 This is just too funny - scary how true it is!!

If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull ....
 
But that's not the worst of it.

My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close

My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.

My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.

It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.

But here's the worst of it.

Almost every time I sneeze, cough or splutter, either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!