I hope these bring a smile, I myself was laughing very hard!!! No disrespect meant to anyone, and no one killed in the making of, either!!!
The first one...
A dog is truly a man's best friend.If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you????????
The second...
A man with a pegleg, hook hand and an eyepatch went to apply to be a pirate.Interviewer: How did you get that pegleg?Pirate: Arrr. I got me leg shot off during the first world war.Interviewer: How did you get that hook?Pirate: I got me hand cut off by a big knife.Interviewer: What about your eyepatch?Pirate: It was a rainy afternoon and I looked up into the sky and a bird crapped in me eye.Interviewer: And that put your eye out?Pirate: No, it was the day after I got me hook.
And last, but not least....
The foreman points out a huge pile of sand. He says to the Italian guy, 'You're in charge of sweeping.'To the Scotsman he says, 'You're in charge of shoveling.'And to the Chinese guy, 'You're in charge of supplies.'He then says, 'Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile of sand.'So when the foreman returns, after being away for a couple of hours, the pile of sand is untouched. He asks the Italian, 'Why didn't you sweep any of it?'The Italian replies, ' I no hava no broom You saida to the Chinese-a-fella that he was in charge of supplies, but he has a disappeared and I no could finda him nowhere.'Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, 'And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile.'The Scotsman replies, 'Aye, that ye did laddie, boot ah couldnay get meself a shoovel! Ye left that Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldnay fin' him neither.'The foreman is really angry now. He storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy. Just then, the Chinese guy leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells....................'SUPPLIES!!!!'
dammm its gone hmmmmmm someone stolen it
A man has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His camel dies of thirst. He's crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a "genie". But this is no ordinary genie. He is wearing an IRS ID badge and dull gray suit. There's a calculator in his pocket. He has a pencil tucked behind one ear."Well, kid," says the genie. "You know how it works". "You have three wishes.""I'm not falling for this." Says the man. "I'm not going to trust an IRS agent.""What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and Itlooks like you're a goner anyway!"The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right. "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis withplentiful food and drink."***POOF*** The man finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies."OK, kid, what's your second wish.""My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."***POOF*** The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems."OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"After thinking for a few minutes, the man says: "I wish that no matter where I go beautiful women will want and need me."***POOF*** He is turned into a tampon.The moral of the story?If the IRS offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached!
AND WHO SAYS WE'RE NOT RICH!!! Silver in the Hair Gold in the Teeth. Stones in the KidneysSugar in the Blood.Lead in the Ass.Iron in the Arteries.And an inexhaustible supply of Natural Gas.I never thought I'd accumulate such wealth
Today's Inspirational LessonNever irritate a woman who can operate a backhoe... Thus endeth the lesson. Women are Angels...And when someone breaks their wings...They simply continue to fly....on a broomstick...They are flexible like that...
NEW WINE!! I kid you not... a New Wine for Seniors!! South Australian vintners in the Barossa Valley area, which primarily produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic! It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the toilet during the night. The new wine will be marketed as PINO MORE I HEARD IT THROUGH THE GRAPEVINE!I just couldn't help it!
A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies.
As they stand at the Pearly Gates waiting to enter Paradise and meet their maker, God decides to grant each person one wish because of the grief they have experienced. They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.
The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted. This goes on for a while with each one asking to be gorgeous, but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in the line starts laughing.
When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his head off. Finally, God reaches this last guy and asks him what his wish will be.
The guy eventually calms down and says: "Make 'em all ugly again. NEXT TIME YOU'RE LAST IN LINE...BE HAPPY!
^ Typical WG humor.
Yeah, it runs in his family... 'cept when it got to him it galloped.
Hey, my sister is in that video!!!
Now that's funny right thar! I told ya Doc! Didn't I tell ya! I told him...I said Doc...that's looks like Jim's sister...that is if Jim had a sister...that's what she'd look like I said! But he didn't believe me! See...I told ya Doc! Didn't I tell ya...
Are you sayin I got the runs! Now that's a low blow right thar!
LOL....Jim gets some special k. Y'all's raht funny thar bro!
It's not a joke, but it is different to the normal bloody road safety ads.
Ausvet...you made me cry.... that thar was purdy!
Ausvet...you made me cry... me too. ..I wish they played that here...it is more memorable than the ones they have now!!!
Yes a change in the right direction, previously these type ads were trying to be more gory than each other and they had lost their impact.
Barb just sent me that vid. Well done and beautiful!
Just made me think of something....
In The Book of Splendor (Sefer Zohar) (maybe The Talmud or Kabbala) it is written:
"Be very careful if you make a woman cry, because God counts her tears. The woman came out of a man's rib... Not from his feet to be walked on... Not from his head to be superior, but from the side to be equal. Under the arm to be protected, and next to the heart to be loved."
Along with an aunt, 6 nieces and 42 cousins.
Ain't family affairs in da South sumthin'.... YEEEHAWWW!!!!
Nah... yer family got tha runs.... you got tha trots.
A Homeless Man's Funeral As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back country.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
Moses died and went to heaven. G-d greets him at the Pearly Gates. 'Are you hungry, Moses?' asks G-d. 'I could eat,' Moses replies. So G-d opens a can of tuna and reaches for a chunk of rye bread and they share it. While partaking of this humble meal, Moses looks down into Hell and sees the inhabitants devouring huge steaks, briskets, pheasants, pastries and wines. Curious but deeply trusting, he remains quiet. The next day G-d again invites Moses to join him for a meal. Again it's tuna and rye bread. And, again, Moses can see those denizens of Hell enjoying salmon, champagne, lamb, truffles, and chocolates. Still he says nothing. The following day, mealtime arrives and another can of tuna is opened. He can't contain himself any longer. Meekly, he says: 'G-d, I am grateful to be here in heaven with You as a reward for the pious, obedient (not really) life I led. But here in heaven all I get to eat is tuna and a piece of rye bread, and in that 'other place' they all eat like emperors and kings! I just don't understand.' G-d sighs. 'Let's be honest,' He says. 'Does it really pay to cook for just two?'.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tn-YesqzvNk&feature=player_embedded
THE VIBRATOR As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter with a vibrator. Shocked, she asked: 'what in the world are you doing?' The daughter replied: 'mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.' The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator. To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said: 'dad I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.' A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip , placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the living room. She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV. The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy. The wife asked: 'What the f... are you doing?' The husband replied: 'I'm watching football with my son-in-law.'
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