I hope these bring a smile, I myself was laughing very hard!!! No disrespect meant to anyone, and no one killed in the making of, either!!!
The first one...
A dog is truly a man's best friend.If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you????????
The second...
A man with a pegleg, hook hand and an eyepatch went to apply to be a pirate.Interviewer: How did you get that pegleg?Pirate: Arrr. I got me leg shot off during the first world war.Interviewer: How did you get that hook?Pirate: I got me hand cut off by a big knife.Interviewer: What about your eyepatch?Pirate: It was a rainy afternoon and I looked up into the sky and a bird crapped in me eye.Interviewer: And that put your eye out?Pirate: No, it was the day after I got me hook.
And last, but not least....
The foreman points out a huge pile of sand. He says to the Italian guy, 'You're in charge of sweeping.'To the Scotsman he says, 'You're in charge of shoveling.'And to the Chinese guy, 'You're in charge of supplies.'He then says, 'Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile of sand.'So when the foreman returns, after being away for a couple of hours, the pile of sand is untouched. He asks the Italian, 'Why didn't you sweep any of it?'The Italian replies, ' I no hava no broom You saida to the Chinese-a-fella that he was in charge of supplies, but he has a disappeared and I no could finda him nowhere.'Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, 'And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile.'The Scotsman replies, 'Aye, that ye did laddie, boot ah couldnay get meself a shoovel! Ye left that Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldnay fin' him neither.'The foreman is really angry now. He storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy. Just then, the Chinese guy leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells....................'SUPPLIES!!!!'
FEMALE POEMI want a man who's handsome, smart and strongOne who loves to listen long.One who thinks before he speaksOne who'll call, not wait for weeks.I want him to be gainfully employed,When I spend his cash, be not annoyed.Pulls out my chair and opens my door,massages my back and begs to do more.Oh! For a man who makes love to my mindAnd knows how to answer "how big is my behind?"I want this man to love me to no end,And always be my very best friend.MALE POEMI want a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a liquor store and a bass boat. I know this doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit
Dan, a 35 year old New York stock broker had made it so big on Wall Street that he was able to retire at a young age.Using his wealth, he buys a small cottage in the Vermont mountains.After 6 months of hardly any human contact, except for venturing into town for supplies, he hears a knock on his door.He opens the door to find this big, surly, bearded man standing in front of him."May I help you," Dan asks."The name's Jim, I live 'bout two miles down the road in my cabin," the man says."I'm having a party this coming Saturday and I thought I'd invite you seein' that you're new and all here."Dan accepts the invitation saying, "Great, I haven't been out in six months."Jim says "I gotta warn ya, there's gon' be a lot a drinkin at this party.""Well, I've been to all the bars in New York and have held my ground with the best of them," Dan replies."A lot of fightin' goes on that these parties too," Jim says.Dan replies "well, it'll be nice to get out and I think I can hold my own."Jim offers, "there's also gon' be some wild love making.""Well I have been alone for the last six months," Dan says with a laugh.So the two exchange numbers and directions and just as Jim is walking away Dan says "What should I wear?"Jim turns and replies, "Whatever you want, just gon' be us two."
2 guys were walking down the street and saw a dog lying on a porch licking his balls.Guy 1 said "I wish I could do that!"Guy 2 replied "You better see if you can pet him first."
I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden Shouted to me.... 'Oi, what's your disability?' I said 'Tourettes! Now Fuck off!'
A contestant on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" had reached the final Plateau.
If she answered the next question correctly, she would win $1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $32,000 Milestone money. And as she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question was no pushover.
It was, "Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds?
Is it:A.) the condorB.) the buzzardC.) the cuckooD.) the vulture
The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. And she was doubly on the spot because she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Audience Poll Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline.
The woman hoped she would not have to use it because her friend was, well ...blonde.She had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices. The blonde responded unhesitatingly:
"That's easy. The answer is C: the cuckoo."
The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Regis any answer except the one that her friend had given her. Considering that her friend was a blonde, which would seem to be the logical thing to do.
But her friend had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could
Not help but be persuaded.
"I need an answer," said Regis.
Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, "C: The cuckoo."
"Is that your final answer?"
"Yes, that is my final answer." Two minutes later, Regis said, "That answer is absolutely correct! You are now a millionaire!"
Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends, including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars.
"Jeni, I just do not know how to thank you," said the contestant.
"How did you happen to know the right answer?" Wait for it,,,,"Oh, come on," said the blonde.. "Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests. They live in clocks."
Men vs. Women
NICKNAMESIf Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah. If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Dickhead and Shit for Brains.EATING OUTWhen the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.MONEYA man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.BATHROOMSA man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel . The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.ARGUMENTSA woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.FUTUREA woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.SUCCESSA successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGEA woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.DRESSING UPA woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.NATURALMen wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.OFFSPRINGAh, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.THOUGHT FOR THE DAYA married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. (I just turned 65.)A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?''Oh no,' I replied.. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?'I said, 'Not much... My former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!''Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?' 'No, I don't,' I said.He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?''No,' I said.He looked at me and said,... 'Then, why do you even give a shit?'
I was having trouble with my computer. So I called John, the 11 yearold next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him tocome over.. John clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong? He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'I didn't want to appear to stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, IDten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'John grinned. 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?''No,' I replied.'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.' So I wrote down: I D 1 0 TI used to like that little shit.
The Perfect Husband
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes and the first thing he saw is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: 'Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian.' He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, 'Son... what happened last night?' 'Well, you came home! after 3 A.M. , drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door. Confused, he asked his son, 'so, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me? His son replies, 'Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone Bitch, I'm married!!' Broken Coffee Table $239.99 Hot Breakfast $4.20 Two Aspirins $.38 Saying the right thing, at the right time... PRICELESS !
Two Irishmen making a letter bomb Paddy- Do you think I've put enough explosives in? Mick- Dunno open it and see. Paddy- But it will explode. Mick - Don't be dumb Paddy its not addressed to you.
FOR THOSE OF US WHO REMEMBER THE ORIGINAL HOLLYWOOD SQUARESThese great questions and answers are from the days when 'Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course..Q. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat? A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness! (The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)Q. Do female frogs croak? A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads underwater long enough.Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be? A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years. A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman? A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married? A. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older? A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency...Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'? A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty..Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'? A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking? A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather? A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year? A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score? A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other? A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet? A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls? A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do? A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to? A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people? A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it? A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do? A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant? A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex? A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to himQ. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they? A. Charley Weaver: His feet.Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed? A. Paul Lynde: Point and laughWE DON'T STOP LAUGHING BECAUSE WE GROW OLD, WE GROW OLD BECAUSE WE STOP LAUGHING!
Subject: Blonde Mortician - Best laugh of the week!
A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit…The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?' To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check. 'There's no charge,' she says.'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says..'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.' 'So I just switched the heads.' (BET YOU DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING!!!)
> Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway. > > > > But, as time went by, the traffic was so heavy and so fast that his > > chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day. > > > > So one day Farmer John called the sheriff's office > > and said, "You've got to do something about all > > of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens." > > > > "What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff. > > > > "I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!" > > > > So the next day he had the county workers > > go out and erected a sign that said: > > SLOW: > > SCHOOL CROSSING > > > > Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff > > and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers. > > The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster." > > > > So, again, the sheriff sends out the county > > workers and they put up a new sign: > > SLOW: > > CHILDREN AT PLAY > > > > That really sped them up. So Farmer John called > > and called and called every day for three weeks. > > > > Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs are > > doing no good. Can I put up my own sign?" > > > > The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign." > > > > He was going to let the Farmer John do just about > > anything in order to get him to stop calling everyday to complain. > > > > The sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John. > > Three weeks later, curiosity go the best of the > > sheriff and he decided to give Farmer John a call. > > > > "How's the problem with those drivers. > > > > Did you put up your sign?" > > > > "Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been > > killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy." > > > > He hung up the phone. > > The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to > > himself, "I'd better go out there and take a > > look at that sign... it might be something that > > WE could use to slow down drivers..." > > > > So the sheriff drove out to Farmer John's house, > > and his jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign. > > > > It was spray-painted on a sheet of wood: > > > > NUDIST COLONY > > Go slow and watch out for chicks!!
A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu. Tourist: $5 Broiled Missionary: $7 Fried Explorer: $9 Freshly Baked Liberals and Labour Pollies: $150 The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, “Why such a huge price difference for the politicians?” The cook replied, “Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so full of crap, it takes all morning.”
Sex in the Dark There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device. A vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one. She went completely ballistic. 'You impotent bastard,' She screamed at him,'How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!' The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: 'I'll explain the toy . . You explain the kids.'
A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue.Doctor: "What happened?" Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do.Every time my husband comes homedrunk he beats me to a pulp." Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that.When your husband comes home drunk,just take a glass of sweet tea and startswishing it in your mouth. Just swish andswish but don't swallow until he goes to bed and is asleep." Two weeks later the woman comesback to the doctor looking fresh andreborn.Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea!Every time my husband came home drunk, Iswished with sweet tea. I swishedand swished, and he didn't touch me!"Doctor: "You see how much keepingyour mouth shut helps?"
KEEP THIS IN MIND AS YOU ARE DOING YOUR CLEANUP CHORES. New use for Windex
I haven't checked ' Snopes.Com ' to see if this actually Works or Not . . . But they say,
If you ever get the sudden URGE to run around naked, You should sniff some Windex first. It'll keep you from streaking.
Oh, Come On ......Lighten UP !!!!
Have a Great Day!
The Bathtub Test.During a visit to the senior's home, I asked the director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized? "Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?" ARE YOU GOING TO PASS THIS ON...
OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE?
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. "Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist, and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him. 'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin. At her insistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage of his testicles while holding his penis for several long moments And asked, 'How does that feel'? He replied, "It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken."
this is weird, I tried it and it worked
Huh? I click on the picture (which I don't see), and get to my hotmail! I sense starkers evil hand in this!
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