I hope these bring a smile, I myself was laughing very hard!!! No disrespect meant to anyone, and no one killed in the making of, either!!!
The first one...
A dog is truly a man's best friend.If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you????????
The second...
A man with a pegleg, hook hand and an eyepatch went to apply to be a pirate.Interviewer: How did you get that pegleg?Pirate: Arrr. I got me leg shot off during the first world war.Interviewer: How did you get that hook?Pirate: I got me hand cut off by a big knife.Interviewer: What about your eyepatch?Pirate: It was a rainy afternoon and I looked up into the sky and a bird crapped in me eye.Interviewer: And that put your eye out?Pirate: No, it was the day after I got me hook.
And last, but not least....
The foreman points out a huge pile of sand. He says to the Italian guy, 'You're in charge of sweeping.'To the Scotsman he says, 'You're in charge of shoveling.'And to the Chinese guy, 'You're in charge of supplies.'He then says, 'Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile of sand.'So when the foreman returns, after being away for a couple of hours, the pile of sand is untouched. He asks the Italian, 'Why didn't you sweep any of it?'The Italian replies, ' I no hava no broom You saida to the Chinese-a-fella that he was in charge of supplies, but he has a disappeared and I no could finda him nowhere.'Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, 'And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile.'The Scotsman replies, 'Aye, that ye did laddie, boot ah couldnay get meself a shoovel! Ye left that Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldnay fin' him neither.'The foreman is really angry now. He storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy. Just then, the Chinese guy leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells....................'SUPPLIES!!!!'
Son asked his mother the following question: 'Mum, why are wedding dresses white?' The mother looks at her son and replies: 'Son , this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.' The son thanks his Mum and goes off to double-check this with his father. 'Dad why are wedding dresses white?' The father looks at his son in surprise and says: 'Son, all household appliances come in white.'
JACOB, aged 92 and REBECCA, aged 89, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?" The pharmacist answers, "Yes." Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?" Pharmacist: "Of course we do." Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?" Pharmacist: "All kinds." Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism? Scoliosis?" Pharmacist: "Definitely." Jacob: "HOW ABOUT VIAGRA." Pharmacist: "Of course." Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, Jaundice?" Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety - the works." Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, antidotes for Parkinson"s disease?" Pharmacist: "Absolutely." Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?" Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes." Jacob says to the pharmacist : "Well then we'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes." Jacob says to the pharmacist : "Well then we'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."
lovvem! so good to see yer back, luvvy!
Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they know they are in love.One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well, Bruce, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies, "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay, then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowance, Jenny makes five bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month and that should do us just fine."Mr. Smith is impressed Bruce has put so much thought into this. "Well, Bruce, it seems like you have everything figured out. I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?"Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far."Mr Smith no longer thinks the little shit is adorable.
I love it ...... Thanks Doc its good to be back
A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse, unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into action.. as it gallops along at its steady and rhythmic pace, the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but despite her best efforts, slides down the horse's flanks. The horse continues to gallop along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup. She is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground time and time again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune, Frank, the Woolworth's trolley boy, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.
This is mythical and deep... truly beautiful..
He replied, "She called Five Horses".
The man said, "That's an unusual name for your wife. What does it mean?"
The Old Indian answered, "It old Indian Name. It mean . . .

Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large, raging, violent river. Needing to get to the other side, the first man prayed: 'God, please give me the strength to cross the river,' Poof! - God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about two hours, having almost drowned twice. After witnessing that, the second man prayed: 'God, please give me the strength and the tools to cross the river. Poof! - God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once. Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed. 'God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the river. Poof! - He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge! The moral to this story is: IF AT FIRST YOU DON'T SUCCEED, DO IT THE WAY YOUR WIFE TOLD YOU!
An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cussed her. "Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru?" Crying, she replied, "Dad ... ... I became a prostitute ... ... "Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family." "OK, Dad as ye wish. I just came back to give Mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a 5 million pound savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club ... ... (takes a breath) ... ... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera and ... ... "Now what was it ye said ye had become? says Dad. Crying again, she says "A prostitute Daddy!" "Oh! Be Jezus! Ye scared me half to death girl, I thought ye said a Protestant! Come here and give yer old man a hug
The Bathtub Test During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized. 'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.' 'Oh, I understand,' said the visitor. 'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.' 'No' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?' ARE YOU GOING TO PASS THIS ON, OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE?
A Letter To Jesse James
You Stupid Bastard! You cheated on Sandra Bullock?How in the world can you be so stupid? You are married to one of the most beautiful women in the world.She has a body to die for and her current wealth shadowed only by Oprah.Your wife, recently beat out Julia Roberts in the polls and is now named "America's Sweetheart." You also remember, she just won an Oscar and praised you up and down in front of the world while you were porking away.You are really a piece of work! You are the most hated asshole cheater on the planet! How can you live with yourself!I only have one thing to say to the despicable, miserable, cheating piece of shit that you are:
Thanks for taking the heat off of me. Let's do lunch.~Tiger
The Witty!
@Doc they were great
This may not apply to all of us
but it will... sooner or later.
LOL
Did you hear about the 83 year old woman who talked herself
out of a speeding ticket by telling the young officer that she
had to get there before she forgot where she was going?
Makes perfectly good sense to me!!! We'll be FRIENDS until we are old and senile.
Then we'll be NEW FRIENDS.
8. Kid's letter to North Pole comes back stamped, "Dream on, Chester!" 7. Kid asks for new bike, gets pack of smokes 6. Along with presents, Santa leaves hefty bill for shipping and handling. 5. By the time he gets to your house, all he has left is foam packing. 4. Christmas day, your kid wakes up with a Reindeer head in his bed. 3. Instead of "Naughty" or "Nice", Santa has him on the stupid list 2. Labels on all your kid's toys read "Straight from Craptown." 1. Four words: "Off my lap, Tubby!"
@ narbytrout and to think I love my Dolphins hehehe
Outsmart a woman?.....Are you kidding..... A man calls home to his wife and says, Honey, I have been asked to fly to Canada with my boss and several of his friends for fishing.. We'll be gone for a long weekend. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting so could you please pack enough clothes for a 3 day weekend..... And also would you get out my rod and tackle box from the attic ? We're leaving at 4:30 pm from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up.. 'Oh! And please pack my new navy blue silk pajamas.' The wife thinks this sounds a bit odd, but, being the good wife, She does exactly what her husband asked. Following the long weekend he came home a little tired, but, otherwise, looking good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish? He says, 'Yes! Lots of Walleyes, some Bass, and a few Pike. He said but why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do? You'll love the answer. X X X X X X X X X X X X X The wife replies, I did, they're in your tackle box.
OOPS!!!!
A New York lawmaker, (Jerrold Nadler) called and asked, ''Do airlines put your physical
description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?''
I said, 'No, why do you ask?' he replied, ''Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said
(FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!'' After putting him on hold for a minute, while I looked into it. (I was dying laughing). I came back and explained the city
code for Fresno, Ca. is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on his luggage.
...They must have clipped half the tab as a receipt:...... Head.
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