I thought you'd say "To your second question: my wife found out that I farted a-round with my mistress."

This morning on the Interstate,
I looked over to my left and there was a

Woman

In a brand new
Cadillac

Doing 65 mph

With her
Face up next to her

Rear view mirror 

Putting on her eyeliner.

I looked away

For a couple seconds  !

And when I looked back she was

Halfway over in my lane,

Still working on that makeup.

As a man,

I don't scare easily.

But she scared me so much;
I dropped

My electric shaver  ,

Which knocked

The donut Out of my other hand. !

In all The confusion of trying
To straighten out the car,,

Using my knees against
The steering wheel,

It knocked My Cell Phone

Away from my ear

Which fell

Into the coffee 

Between my legs!

Splashed,

And burned

Big Jim and the Twins,

Ruined the damn phone,

Soaked my trousers,

And disconnected an
Important call.

Damnwomen drivers

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror, complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small.
Instead of characteristically telling me they are not, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion: "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."
Willing to try anything, I fetched a piece of toilet paper and stood in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. "How long will this take?" I ask.
"They will grow larger over a period of years," he replies.
I stop. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make them larger over the years?"
Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, may even walk again.
Stupid, stupid man.

===============================================================================

After the tourist had been served in a Las Vegas cocktail lounge, he beckoned the waitress back and said quietly, "Miss, yah sure are a luvly, luvly lady; can ah persuade yah to give me a piece of ass?"
"Lord, that's the most direct proposition I've ever had!" gasped the girl. Then she looked around the room, smiled and added, "Sure, why not? You're nice lookin' too and it's pretty slow here right now, so why don't
we just slip away up to my room?"
When the pair returned half an hour later, the man sat down at the same table and the waitress asked, "Will there be anything else, sir?"
"Why yes," replied the southern gentleman. "Ah sure 'preciate what yah just did for me; it was real sweet and right neighborly, but where ah come from in Alabamuh we lack our bourbon real cold, so ah still need to trouble yah for a piece uh ass for mah drink."

Man's Age as Determined by a Trip to Home Depot
 
You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house-mowing the lawn, putting in a new fence, painting the living room, or whatever. You are hot and sweaty, covered in dirt or paint.  You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit - shorts with the hole in the crotch, old T-shirt with a stain from who knows what, and an old pair of tennis shoes.
 
Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realize you need to run to Home Depot to get something to help complete the job.
 
Depending on your age you might do the following:  
   

>

 In  your 20's: 

 
Stop what you are doing.  Shave, take a  shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss, and put on clean clothes.  Check yourself in the mirror and flex.   Add a dab of your favorite cologne because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane.   And you went to school with the pretty girl running the  register.

 

 In your 30's: 

Stop what you are doing,  put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes. You married the  hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb  your hair.  Check yourself in the mirror.  Still got it.  Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the  smell.  The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.

 

 In your 40's: 

 
Stop what you are doing.  Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the  crotch of your shorts.  Put on different  shoes and a hat.  Wash your hands.  Your bottle of Brute Cologne is almost empty  so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to Home Depot. Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing.  The spicy young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird thinking she is spicy.  

 

 In your  50's: 

Stop what you are doing.  Put a hat on, wipe  the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because  you don't want to get dog doo-doo in your new sports  car. Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat.  The Cutie  running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think  you still have it.  Then you remember the hat you have on is from Buddy's Bait & Beer Bar and it says, 'I Got Worms  .'
 

 In your 60's: 

Stop what you are doing.  No need for a hat anymore. Hose the  dog doo-doo off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants.  The girl running the register may be cute, but you don't have your glasses on so  you are not sure.

 

          
In your  70's:

 
Stop what you are doing.  Wait to go to Home Depot until the drug store has your prescriptions ready, too.  Don't even notice the dog doo-doo on your shoes. The young thing at the register smiles at you because you remind her of her grandfather. 

 

In your  80's:

 
Stop what you are doing.  Start again.  Then stop again.  Now you remember you needed  to go to Home Depot.  Go to  Wal-Mart instead and wander around trying to think what it is you are looking for. Fart out loud and you think someone called out your name. You went to school with the old lady who greeted you at the front door.

 

 In your 90's & beyond: 

What's a home deep hoe? Something for my garden?  Where am I?  Who am I? Why am I reading this?  Did I send it? Did you? Who farted?

The Sierra Club and the U.S. Forest Service were presenting an alternative to Wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote population. It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true methods of shooting and/or trapping the predators, the tree-huggers had a 'more humane' solution.

What they proposed was for the animals to be captured alive. The males would then be castrated and let loose again. Therefore the population would be controlled. This was ACTUALLY proposed to the Wyoming Wool and Sheep Grower's Association by the Sierra Club and the US Forest Service.

All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes. Finally, and old guy in the back of the conference room stood up, tipped his hat back and said: "Son, I don't think you understand our problem. Those coyotes ain't fuckin' our sheep - they're eatin' 'em!"

You should have been there to hear the roar of laughter..

Two Blondes With Hammers...

Lynn and Ruth were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat for Humanity House. While Lynn was nailing down house siding, she would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.

Ruth, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, 'Why are you throwing those nails away?' Lynn explained, 'When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away.' Ruth got completely upset and yelled, 'You moron! Those nails aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!'

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an
Oxygen mask over his mouth and nose still heavily sedated
From a difficult, four hour surgical procedure.

A young nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask, "Are my testicles
Black?"


Very surprised and somewhat embarrassed, the young nurse
Replies, "I don't know Sir,  I'm only here to wash your upper
Body and feet.."


He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his vitals from worrying about
His testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly
Pulls back the sheets

She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and carefully
Takes his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around;
She examines them closely and then gently replaces his gown
And sheets.

She reassuringly tells the man, "Sir, there's nothing wrong
With them."

With great difficulty and pain, the man slowly reaches up and
Pulls off his oxygen mask... With an unusually contented smile,
He says "Thank you very much. That was wonderful! But listen
To me very, very closely."

 

"ARE-MY-TEST-RESULTS-BACK?”

 
_____________________________________________


Neil Armstrong
ON  JULY 20, 1969, AS COMMANDER OF THE APOLLO 11 LUNAR MODULE, NEIL ARMSTRONG WAS THE FIRST PERSON TO SET FOOT ON THE MOON.

HIS FIRST WORDS AFTER STEPPING ON THE MOON,    'THAT'S ONE SMALL STEP FOR MAN, ONE GIANT LEAP FOR MANKIND,' WERE TELEVISED TO EARTH AND HEARD BY MILLIONS.

BUT JUST BEFORE HE REENTERED THE LANDER, HE MADE THE ENIGMATIC REMARK '*_GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY._*'

MANY PEOPLE AT NASA THOUGH IT WAS A CASUAL REMARK CONCERNING SOME RIVAL SOVIET COSMONAUT.

HOWEVER, UPON CHECKING, THERE WAS NO GORSKY IN EITHER THE RUSSIAN OR AMERICAN SPACE PROGRAMS.

OVER THE YEARS MANY PEOPLE QUESTIONED ARMSTRONG AS TO WHAT THE 'GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY' STATEMENT MEANT, BUT ARMSTRONG ALWAYS JUST SMILED.

ON JULY 5, 1995,  IN TAMPA BAY , FLORIDA, WHILE ANSWERING QUESTIONS FOLLOWING A SPEECH, A REPORTER BROUGHT UP THE 26- YEAR-OLD QUESTION TO ARMSTRONG. THIS TIME HE FINALLY RESPONDED.

MR. GORSKY HAD DIED, SO NEIL ARMSTRONG FELT HE COULD NOW ANSWER THE QUESTION.

IN 1938, WHEN HE WAS A KID IN A   SMALL   MID-WEST  TOWN, HE WAS PLAYING BASEBALL WITH A FRIEND IN THE BACKYARD.  HIS FRIEND HIT THE BALL, WHICH LANDED IN HIS NEIGHBOR'S YARD BY THEIR BEDROOM WINDOW.

HIS NEIGHBORS WERE MR.. AND MRS. GORSKY.

AS HE LEANED DOWN TO PICK UP THE BALL, YOUNG ARMSTRONG HEARD MRS. GORSKY SHOUTING AT MR. GORSKY.

'SEX! YOU WANT SEX?!  YOU'LL GET SEX WHEN THE KID NEXT DOOR WALKS ON THE MOON!'


TRUE STORY  *Love it !!*

A group of geriatrics were discussing how it was still possible to have sex at 75, and a 85 year old chimes in: "That's great! I live at 72 and it's not too far to walk home afterwards."

Australian Federal Police : Investigation

An Officer stops at a dairy farm outside of Melbourne Victoria and talks with the old farmer who's the owner.

He tells the farmer, 'I need to inspect your property for illegally grown marijuana.'

The old Farmer says, 'Okay, but don't go in that field over there.'

The officer verbally explodes saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me"!! Pointing to the badge on his chest he proudly says,

"See this badge"!?

"This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish, on any land, whenever I want to".
"No questions asked, no answers given".
"Have I made myself clear!!??"
"Do you now understand me!!??"

The old farmer nods politely and goes about his chores.

Later, the old guy hears loud screams and spies the deputy running for his life and close behind is a huge breeder bull.

With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer.

The officer is clearly sh******g himself.

The old farmer immediately throws down his pitch fork, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs to the officer.....

"Your badge! Show him your bloody badge!"