I hope these bring a smile, I myself was laughing very hard!!! No disrespect meant to anyone, and no one killed in the making of, either!!!
The first one...
A dog is truly a man's best friend.If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you????????
The second...
A man with a pegleg, hook hand and an eyepatch went to apply to be a pirate.Interviewer: How did you get that pegleg?Pirate: Arrr. I got me leg shot off during the first world war.Interviewer: How did you get that hook?Pirate: I got me hand cut off by a big knife.Interviewer: What about your eyepatch?Pirate: It was a rainy afternoon and I looked up into the sky and a bird crapped in me eye.Interviewer: And that put your eye out?Pirate: No, it was the day after I got me hook.
And last, but not least....
The foreman points out a huge pile of sand. He says to the Italian guy, 'You're in charge of sweeping.'To the Scotsman he says, 'You're in charge of shoveling.'And to the Chinese guy, 'You're in charge of supplies.'He then says, 'Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile of sand.'So when the foreman returns, after being away for a couple of hours, the pile of sand is untouched. He asks the Italian, 'Why didn't you sweep any of it?'The Italian replies, ' I no hava no broom You saida to the Chinese-a-fella that he was in charge of supplies, but he has a disappeared and I no could finda him nowhere.'Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, 'And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile.'The Scotsman replies, 'Aye, that ye did laddie, boot ah couldnay get meself a shoovel! Ye left that Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldnay fin' him neither.'The foreman is really angry now. He storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy. Just then, the Chinese guy leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells....................'SUPPLIES!!!!'
A young engineer was leaving the office when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. "Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary is not here. Can you make this thing work?" "Certainly," said the young engineer. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button. "Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine, "I just need one copy." Lesson: Never, ever assume that your boss knows what he's doing.
A family brings their elderly mother to a nursing home. The nurses bathe her and set her in a chair at a window.After a while, she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately straighten her up. Again, she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back to put her upright. This goes on all morning.Later, the family arrives and asks, "Are they treating you all right?""It's pretty nice," the old woman replies. "Except they won't let you fart."
When you are discouraged and down in the dumps and think you have real PROBLEMS, Just remember:SOMEWHERE IN THIS WORLD THERE IS A MR. PELOSI!!!!
Morris Rabinowitz in 1936 fled his native Germany. He sold his assets and made five sets of solid gold teeth with his cash, above the limit he could bring into the U.S. When he arrived in New York the customs official was perplexed as to why anybody would have five sets of gold teeth. So Morris explained: "Jews who keep kosher have two separate sets of dishes for meat products and dairy products but I am so religious I also have separate sets of teeth." The customs official shook his head and said, "Well that accounts for two sets of teeth. What about the other three?" "Very religious Jews use separate dishes for Passover, but I am so orthodox I have separate teeth for Passover meat and for Passover dairy food. The customs official shook his head and said, "You must be a man of very strong faith to have separate teeth for meat and dairy products and likewise for Passover. That accounts for four sets of teeth. What about the fifth set?" Morris looked around and spoke softly. "To tell you the truth," he said, "Once in a while I like a ham sandwich."
You're being unreasonable: Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands.
When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. "You're running around with other women," she charged. "You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on earth." The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve. "What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded. "Counting your ribs," said Eve.
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Matchmaking:
A marriage broker offered Morty a beautiful young girl, a real prize, to be his wife. But Morty was stubborn. "I'm a businessman," Morty argued. "Before I buy material from a mill, I look at swatches. So before I get married, I gotta have a sample also." The broker had no choice but to relay the message to the girl. "He says he is a good businessman, and he has to know exactly what he's buying. He insists on a sample." "Listen," the girl replied. "I'm also good at business. A sample I don't give. But, I will give him references!"
A condom saleswoman was stranded in the countryside and had to put up the night with a farmer and his two hilly-billy sons.In the middle of the night, she crept into the room where the two brothers were sleeping and woke them up for a bout of passionate love making. She explained that the condoms were to ensure that she did not get pregnant. The next morning she bade them farewell and started off from the farm.Weeks passed and then one brother spoke to the other: "It has been a while now that she's gone and I don't think she'll ever get pregnant. Let's take these damn things off."
Wal-Mart announced that, sometime in 2009, it will begin offering customers a new discount item .... Wal-Mart's own brand of wine. The world's largest retail chain is rumored to be teaming up with Ernest & Julio Gallo Winery of California to produce the spirits at an affordable price -- in the $2 to $5 range. Wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to put a bottle of the Wal-Mart brand into their shopping carts, but "There is a market for inexpensive wine." said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing at University of Arkansas, Bentonville. "However, branding will be very important." Customer surveys were conducted to determine the most attractive name for the Wal-Mart wine brand. The top surveyed names in order of popularity were: 1. Chateau du Traileur Parc 2 White Trashfindel 3. Big Red Gulp 4. World Championship Riesling 5. NAS-CARbernet 6. Chef Boyardeaux 7. Peanut Noir 8. Ah Kain't Believe it's not Vinegar 9. Grape Expectations 10. Nasti Spumante The beauty of Wal-Mart wine is that it can be served with either white meat (Possum) or red meat (Squirrel). P.S. Don't bother writing back that this is a hoax. I know possum is not a white meat
tbc is on a wal-mart spree!
am not!!!
On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship,Ed took Dorothyto a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said,
Holiday Wallpaper: "Spirit of The Season"
"Touch de duck... I keel you."
CATHOLIC COFFEE Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee. The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'." The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'." The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'." The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'." Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breast, 24" waist and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My G-d."
Good one!!!
'Weeeeeee!!! Look at me I'm Yoda!
When building this bridge, they should have given some thought to sunlight!
perhaps they did!!!
I was thinking that!
Seeing those um...er 'shapes' sorta reminds me of a family friend when she popped into my sister's place for a visit a few years ago. She was a single mother and had been on her own for some years, so I thought it a bit cruel when my sister gave her a coffee mug that had a ceramic penis in it.
As the coffee was drunk down, so more of the ceramic (and rather life-like) penis became visible... and there's Janis peering and pondering over it with this look of sheer dismay and joy at the same time... like she had found a long-lost friend, or something.
The cost of the 'wedding tackle' coffee cup from a Cairns joke shop, $2.99; the 1500km trip from Brisbane to Cairns, $157 each; the look on Janice's face... priceless.
Practical jokes seem to run in the family, and my sister is just as wikkid as I am....
Yeah, she had this male admirer who sometimes popped in for coffee and a chat... and he copped a similar prank, only this time with a ceramic cockroach in the bottom of the mug. He was quite enjoying his coffee until it was about half-way down and the mug was tipped up 45 degrees... revealing (to his abject horror) the ceramic cockroach. All of a sudden there's coffee spat everywhere and this mug is being tossed in the air in sheer panic.
The cost of the 'creepy crawly' coffee mug from the same joke shop, $2.99; lunch and drinks that day, $25.00 each; Lin's panicked juggling act (so the mug didn't break on the floor)... priceless.
Hehe, had he thought for a brief moment, he'd have realised that if the cockroach had been real it would have been floating on top.
My sweet husband invited me to go hunting with him this year. I Couldn't believe it ... the first time ever! I never thought he'd be willing to share his 'guy time' with me. And being the thoughtful man that he is, he even gave me an opening day present. He calls it 'The First Timers Lucky Hat'. I'm so fortunate to be married to him. I have attached a picture of me in my lucky hat.
Q: What does Tiger Woods have in common with a baby seal? A: They've both been clubbed by a Norwegian · Tiger's new movie is out: Crouching Tiger, Hidden Hydrant.· Apparently the police asked Tiger's wife how many times she hit him. She said "I don't know exactly... but put me down for a 5."· Tiger Woods is so rich that he owns lots of expensive cars. Now he has a hole-in-one.· Elin's excuse? She had to play a bad lie.I heard Tiger's wife is now being sponsored by a golf club manufacturer. The tag line: Get the club that beats Tiger!· What's the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a ball 400 yards.· What were Tiger Woods and his wife doing out at 2.30 in the morning? They went clubbing.· Tiger Woods crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree. He couldn't decide between a wood and an iron.· Why did Tiger leave the house so early? He has a 2:30 tree time.· Apparently, the only person who can beat Tiger Woods with a golf club is his wife · Of course, he blamed it on a problem with his Escalade. Typical.....whenever a golfer hits a tree, he blames it on his Caddie. · "Tiger was found exactly two club lengths from his car due to a lost ball penalty - if the cops would have arrived a minute later he'd have lost the other one as well".
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