I hope these bring a smile, I myself was laughing very hard!!! No disrespect meant to anyone, and no one killed in the making of, either!!!
The first one...
A dog is truly a man's best friend.If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you????????
The second...
A man with a pegleg, hook hand and an eyepatch went to apply to be a pirate.Interviewer: How did you get that pegleg?Pirate: Arrr. I got me leg shot off during the first world war.Interviewer: How did you get that hook?Pirate: I got me hand cut off by a big knife.Interviewer: What about your eyepatch?Pirate: It was a rainy afternoon and I looked up into the sky and a bird crapped in me eye.Interviewer: And that put your eye out?Pirate: No, it was the day after I got me hook.
And last, but not least....
The foreman points out a huge pile of sand. He says to the Italian guy, 'You're in charge of sweeping.'To the Scotsman he says, 'You're in charge of shoveling.'And to the Chinese guy, 'You're in charge of supplies.'He then says, 'Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile of sand.'So when the foreman returns, after being away for a couple of hours, the pile of sand is untouched. He asks the Italian, 'Why didn't you sweep any of it?'The Italian replies, ' I no hava no broom You saida to the Chinese-a-fella that he was in charge of supplies, but he has a disappeared and I no could finda him nowhere.'Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, 'And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile.'The Scotsman replies, 'Aye, that ye did laddie, boot ah couldnay get meself a shoovel! Ye left that Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldnay fin' him neither.'The foreman is really angry now. He storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy. Just then, the Chinese guy leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells....................'SUPPLIES!!!!'
As Rod Stewart said about marriage and divorce, "Why not just find someone you hate and give her a house."
"Flight 1234, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees..""But Center, we are at 35,000 feet, how much noise can we make up here?""Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 707 makes when it hits a 727?"
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How come they don't make the whole airplane like the "Black Box"?
This is the USS. Montana requesting you imediately divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid colission... Over.
*please divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid colission..Over*
This is captian Hancock you will divert your course..over.
*Negative Captin im not moving any thing, Change your course..over*
Sir this is the USS Montana the second largest vessel in the north Atlantic fleet, you will change course 15 degrees north or I will be forced to take measures to ensure the safety of this Ship...Over.
*This is a light house mate..it's your call...........................hello?**
What is sad, is that it has probably happened. Immy shakes head at Navel Intelligence
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YujpFTbUHRc
Funny cat vid.
Some of the artists of the 60's are revising their hits
Wiz....you been listen in on me again???? Whoops....I didn't say that, you know nothing!
this is the internet, what you say is heard forever and by everyone!!!
A woman was cleaning her attic with her cat by her side for company. Amongst the boxes and old papers she found a little lamp. She picked it up and wiped it off with her apron, when "POOF" out popped Genie. "I will grant you three wishes" proclaimed the Genie. The woman thought for a moment and said "I wish I was the most beautiful 20 year old woman in the world, I wish I had more money than I knew what to do with, and I wish you would turn my cat into the most handsome prince around." The Genie nodded and after a huge cloud of dust cleared, the Genie was gone and so was the lamp. The woman looked at herself and she was certainly beautiful. She was surrounded with scads of money in Large Bills. She flung an armful in the air and watched it flutter down around her. She giggled with delight at the mountains of cash. Then she turned to look where her adoring cat once stood. There in the feline's place stood a tall, dark, handsome man with chiseled features, a washboard stomach, broad shoulders, and a soccer-players-tush. She walked over to him, he put his arms around her, brushed his hand upon her cheek, looked deep into her eyes and whispered softly,
"Now, aren't you sorry that you had me neutered?"
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A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie. The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes. The genie said, "Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I'm a one-wish genie. So... what'll it be?" The woman did not hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony." The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years.. I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable." The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know, one that's considerate and fun, romantic, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is good in bed, and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That is what I wish for...a good man." The genie let out a sigh and said, "Let me see the damn map again."
Doc says this should go to the oxymoron thread.
Doc, I thought that as I submitted the comment....c'est le vive!
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
HG_Eliminator already does this
"The thrill is gone from my marriage," Bill told his friend Doug. "Why not add some intrigue to your life and have an affair?" Doug suggested. "But what if my wife finds out?" "Heck, this is a new age we live in, Bill. Go ahead and tell her about it!" So Bill went home and said, "Dear, I think an affair will bring us closer together." "Forget it," said his wife. "I've tried that - it never worked."
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It's the only type of cooking a "real" man will do. When a man volunteers to do the 'BBQ' the following chain of events are put into motion: 1) The woman goes to the store.2) The woman fixes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill, beer in hand.4) The man places the meat on the grill.5) The woman goes inside to set the table and check the vegetables.6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.7) The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.8) The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.10) Everyone praises man and thanks him for his cooking efforts.11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.
The power of> Alcohol A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The> doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born> without torso, arms or legs.The son is just a head! But the> dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with> love and compassion. After 21 years, the son is now old> enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar,> tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the> biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar> patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his> head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. > Swoooosh! Plop!! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent;> then bursts into whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs> his son to drink again. The patrons chant 'Take another> drink!' The bartender continues to shake his head in> dismay . Swoooosh! Plip! Plop!! Two arms pop out. The bar> goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to> drink again. The patrons chant, 'Take another drink!> Take another drink!!' The bartender ignore s the whole> affair and goes back to polishing glasses, shaking his head,> clearly unimpressed by the amazing scenes. By now the boy> is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reaches down,> grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Plop! Plip!! Two> legs pop out. The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his> knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new> legs and stumbles to the left then staggers to the right> through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs> over him and kills him instantly. The bar falls silent. > The father moans in grief . The bartender sighs and says, > (Wait for it) * (It's coming) * (Ya ready?) *> (Don't hate me) * * (You're gonna hate me) * *> (Take a deep breath) 'He should've quit while he> was a head
....and trying quite a few of them....
great list wizard....
A drummer, tired of being ridiculed by his peers, decided to learn a "real" instrument. He went into a music store, pointed and told the music store clerk, "Gimme that red trumpet over there and that accordion." The clerk asked, "Are you a drummer?" The drummer looked surprised. "Yeah." The clerk said, "You can have the fire extinguisher, but we've got to keep the radiator!"
THE ELDERLY COUPLEThe elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going outwith each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally timeto get married. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broachthe subject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about sex?" he asked rather tentatively. "I would like it infrequently," she replied. The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted hisglasses, then leaned over toward her and inquired: "Is that oneword or two?"
An 80 year old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results. The doctor says, "George, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?" George replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I'm done, poof! The light goes off." "Wow, that's incredible," the doctor says. A little later in the day, the doctor calls George's wife. "Ethel," he says, "George is doing fine! But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relation-ship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof! the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! the light goes off?" "Oh my God!" exclaims Ethel. "He's peeing in the refrigerator again!"
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