I hope these bring a smile, I myself was laughing very hard!!! No disrespect meant to anyone, and no one killed in the making of, either!!!
The first one...
A dog is truly a man's best friend.If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you????????
The second...
A man with a pegleg, hook hand and an eyepatch went to apply to be a pirate.Interviewer: How did you get that pegleg?Pirate: Arrr. I got me leg shot off during the first world war.Interviewer: How did you get that hook?Pirate: I got me hand cut off by a big knife.Interviewer: What about your eyepatch?Pirate: It was a rainy afternoon and I looked up into the sky and a bird crapped in me eye.Interviewer: And that put your eye out?Pirate: No, it was the day after I got me hook.
And last, but not least....
The foreman points out a huge pile of sand. He says to the Italian guy, 'You're in charge of sweeping.'To the Scotsman he says, 'You're in charge of shoveling.'And to the Chinese guy, 'You're in charge of supplies.'He then says, 'Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile of sand.'So when the foreman returns, after being away for a couple of hours, the pile of sand is untouched. He asks the Italian, 'Why didn't you sweep any of it?'The Italian replies, ' I no hava no broom You saida to the Chinese-a-fella that he was in charge of supplies, but he has a disappeared and I no could finda him nowhere.'Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, 'And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile.'The Scotsman replies, 'Aye, that ye did laddie, boot ah couldnay get meself a shoovel! Ye left that Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldnay fin' him neither.'The foreman is really angry now. He storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy. Just then, the Chinese guy leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells....................'SUPPLIES!!!!'
Ask a stupid question, get a stupid answer.
Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for Athena the wonder dog, at Wal-Mart and was about to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
On impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again. Although I probably shouldn't, because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the foods nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no; I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard.
WAL-MART won't let me shop there anymore!!!
THE UGLY FROG
An older lady was somewhat lonely and decided she needed a pet to keep her company. So, off to the pet shop she went. She searched and searched. None of the pets seemed to catch her interest, except this ugly frog. As she walked by the jar he was in, she looked and he winked at her.
He whispered,'I'M SO LONELY, TOO. BUY ME AND TAKE ME HOME. YOU WON'T EVER BE SORRY.'
The old lady figured, what the heck! She hadn't found anything else. So, she bought the frog. She placed him in the car, on the front seat beside her. As she was slowly driving down the road, the frog whispered to her 'KISS ME AND YOU WON'T BE SORRY.'!
So! The old lady figured, WHAT THE HECK, and kissed the frog.
IMMEDIATELY the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous, sexy, young, handsome prince
THE PRINCE THEN RETURNED THE OLD LADY'S KISS.
SUDDENLY THE OLD LADY FELT HERSELF TRANSFORMING FROM HIS KISS. NOW CAN YOU GUESS WHAT THE OLD LADY TURNED INTO?
COME ON GUESS!
*
SHE TURNED INTO THE FIRST HOLIDAY INN SHE COULD FIND!!!
She's old. Not dead!
Skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this
HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy Staring at him looks down and says: "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown."The little guy faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him back to life, shaking him. The big guy says:"What's wrong with you?"In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?"
The big dude says: "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you
the answers to the questions everyone always asks me.....
I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown."The small guy says: "Turner Brown?!...Sweet Jesus,
I thought you said, "Turn around".
lol good one karmat
A man and his ever-nagging wife went on a vacation to jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband. "You can have her shipped home for $5.000, or you can bury her here, in the Holly Land, for $150." The man thought abouth it and told him he would have her shipped home. The undertaker asked." Why would you spend $5.000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would only spend $150?"
The man replied. "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance.
Reply to # 454
ouch...hahahahahaha...ouch
A 7' 6" guy was standing at the urinal when a dwarf came in and stood at the urinal beside him. The dwarf looks up and exclaims: "Geez, you have enormous balls.... they're fucking huge, even!!!"
The big guy thinks little of it and just says: "OK!"
Next thing the dwarf is saying how he feels cheated and shows the big guy his miniscule pair, saying: "I've never seen such a huge pair of balls, and being that I feel inadequate, I wonder if you would just let me hold yours for just a moment so I know what it's like to feel like a real man.
The big guy feels sorry for the dwarf and agrees to let him hold his balls for a moment, but asks: "Thing is, with you being so short, how are you going to reach them?"
The dwarf replies: "Well if you lift me up onto the hand basin I should be able to reach quite easily."
The big guy lift up the dwarf and he immediately holds the big guy's balls, lifting them up and down and weighing them up as compared to his own little uns. This goes on for a few moments, but then the dwarf grabs them hold real tight and says: "Now gimme all your money or I jump."
An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life, when, all of a sudden, a fairy godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she will be granted three wishes."Well, now," says the old lady, "I guess I would like to be really, really rich." ***POOF*** her rocking chair turns to solid gold. She smiles and says, "Gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess." ***POOF*** she turns into a beautiful young woman."Your third wish?" asked the fairy godmother. Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them. "Ooh...can you change him into a handsome prince?" she asks. ***POOF*** there before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine.She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak. He saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear: "Bet you're sorry you had me neutered!"----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
To remember the last stand of General Custer, the U.S government decide to enlist the talents of a local artist to help capture the famous battle. So the artist goes to work, and spends days painting the massive mural. The big day comes and all the generals are there, waiting to see the unveiling. The artist gives his speech and unveils the masterpiece, to show Jesus on the cross and hundreds of Indians all having sex. The crowd is gob-smacked by the painting and demand the artist tell them why he has painted such an atrocity. Calmly, the artist takes the stand and explains that the painting represents Custer's last words, "Jesus Christ, look at all the effing Indians!".
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Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the Sheik came in. "I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today. You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession." The sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living. "I'm a cop", says the first man. "Then we will shoot your penis off!", said the sheik. He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living. "I'm a firemen", said the second man. "Then we will burn your penis off!", said the sheik.Finally, he asked the last man, "And you, what do you do for a living?" And the third man answered, with a sly grin, "I'm a lollipop salesman!"
THE KNOB!!! A woman visited a plastic surgeon who told her about a new procedure called 'The Knob,' where a small knob is placed at the top of the woman's head and could be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the effect of a brand new face-lift. Of course, the woman wanted 'The Knob.' Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant. After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems. "All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times andI've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them."The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts." She said, "Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee."
A woman went to a K-Mart service counter and told the clerk she wanted a refund for the toaster she bought because it won't work.
The clerk told her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special. Suddenly, the woman threw her arms up in the air and started screaming, 'RUB MY NIPPLES, RUB MY NIPPLES, RUB MY NIPPLES!' The befuddled clerk ran away to get the store manager.
In front of a growing crowd of customers. The manager comes to the woman and asks,'Ma'am what's wrong?' She explained the problem with the toaster, and he also told her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special. Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and screamed, 'RUB MY NIPPLES, RUB MY NIPPLES, RUB MY NIPPLES!' And doing so draws an even bigger crowd! In shock, the store manager pleads, 'Ma'am, why are you saying that?' In a huff, the woman says, 'BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE MY NIPPLES RUBBED WHEN I'M BEING SCREWED!' The crowd broke into applause and her money was quickly refunded!!
For the Annual Company Picnic, management had decided that because of liability issues, we could have alcohol, but only one drink per person...
I was fired for ordering the cups...!!!
Some more Steven Wright:
Even snakes are afraid of snakes.I can't stop thinking like this.This isn't all true.You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there's one more step? I'm like that all the time.I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet.Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, "So. What did you think?"My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me.
When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?
When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.
One night a jet flew a little bit too close to my house. I was walking from the living room to the kitchen, and the stewardess told me to sit down.When I go, I'm flying Air Bizarre. It's a good airline. You buy a one way round trip ticket. You leave any Monday, and they bring you back the previous Friday... That way you still have the weekend.I have a friend named Dennis. Both of his parents were midgets, but he isn't a midget. He's a midget-dwarf. He's two inches tall. He's the one who poses for trophies.A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street, and... Ooooohhhhhh, that's much better...
Sweet! Probably happened, too!
Little Johnny was starting his first day at a new school and his father called the teacher to tell her that little Johnny was a big gambler. She said that it was no problem and she has seen worse than that. After Little Johnny’s first day at his new school his father called the teacher to see how it went. She said, “I think I broke his gambling”. The father asked how and she said, “He bet me $5.00 that I had a mole on my butt, so I pulled down my pants and won his money.” “DAMN!” said the father. “What’s wrong?”, the teacher asked. Little Johnny’s father said, “This morning he bet me $100.00 he would see his teacher’s butt before the day was over!”
A Chinese man arranges for a hooker to come to his room for the evening.
Once in the room they undress, climb into bed, and go at it. When finished, the Chinese runs over to the window, takes a deep breath, dives under the bed, climbs out the other side, jumps back into the bed with the hooker and commences a repeat performance. The hooker is impressed with the gusto of the second encounter. When finished, the Chinese jumps up, runs over to the window, takes a deep breath, dives under the bed, climbs out the other side, jumps back into the bed with the hooker and starts again. The hooker is amazed as this sequence is repeated four times. During the fifth encore, she decides to try it herself.
So when they were done she jumps up, goes to the window, and takes a deep breath of fresh air, dives under the bed,...and......finds four Chinese men.
Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle, they walk over to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, 'Dat's dem.' The owner comes over and asks if he can help them. 'Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,' says Gerry. The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box. Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass. At the Connor Pass , Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, 'Dis looks like a grand place.' He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff. Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead. Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, 'Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!' THERE'S MORE... Moment's later; Seamus arrives up at ConnorPass. He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other. 'Hi, Paddy, watch dis,' Seamus says. He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free. He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun. Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot. Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body. Paddy shakes his head and says, 'And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!' IT IS NOT OVER YET... Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken. Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine. Once more Paddy shakes his head. 'Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting... And now Sean and his hengliding!'
A good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said'I want to be a movie star.' Tall, handsome and with experience onBroadway, he had the right credentials.The agent asked, 'What's your name?' The guy said, 'My name is Penis van Lesbian.'The agent said, 'Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get intoHollywood , you are going to have to change your name.''I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries o ld, I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever.'The agent said, 'Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years... you willNEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'mtelling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able torepresent you.''So be it! I guess we will not do business together' the guy said andhe left the agent's office.FIVE YEARS LATER..... The agent opens an envelope sent to his office.Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent isawe-struck, who would possibly send him $ 50,000? He reads the letterenclosed...'Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become anactor in Hollywood , you told me I needed to change my name. Determinedto make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I wouldnever make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After Ileft your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you wereright. I had to change my name. I had too mu ch pride to return to youroffice, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made itwithout changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of myappreciat ion.Thank you for your advice..Sincerely,Dick van Dyke
Passionate kiss like spider's web. Soon lead to undoing of fly.-- Virginity like bubble. One prick, all gone.-- Man who run in front of car get tired.-- Man who run behind car get exhausted.-- Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ.-- Man who walk thru airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.-- Man with one chopstick go hungry.-- Man who scratches butt should not bite fingernails.-- Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.-- Baseball is wrong -- man with four balls cannot walk.-- War doesn't determine who is right. War determines who is left.-- Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.
From an article in the Wall Street Journal, about the Dutch firm that has been hired to manage the International Arrivals Building at New York's John F. Kennedy Airport:
The tile under the urinals in the Arrivals Building has that familiar lemony tinge; rubber soles stick to it. Over in Amsterdam, the tile under Schiphol's urinals would pass inspection in an operating room. But nobody notices. What everybody does notice is that each urinal has a fly in it. Look harder, and the fly turns into the black outline of a fly, etched into the porcelain.
"It improves the aim," says Aad Kieboom. "If a man sees a fly, he aims at it." Mr. Kieboom, an economist, directs Schiphol's own building expansion. His staff conducted fly-in-urinal trials and found that etchings reduce spillage by 80%. The Dutch will transfer the technology to New York.
"We will put flies in the urinals yes," Jan Jansen says in a back office at the Arrivals Building. He is the new Dutch general manager, the boss as of noon today. "It gives a guy something to think about. That's the perfect example of process control."
But a spokesperson for Rudy Guiliani, Mayor of New York, was heard to say, "What do we need with Dutch flies when we have more than enough roaches to piss on?"
A judge was punishing three men because they had committed a crime. Their sentence was a few years in the desert. He said that they could each take one thing with them. The first guy decides to take an umbrella, so that he can have shade whenever he wants. The second guy decides to take a water bottle so that he won't get thirsty. Finally, the third guy decides to take a car door. The judge asked, "Why in the world would you want to take a car door?" The man replies, "Just in case it gets hot, I can roll down the window."
The new minister's wife had a baby, so the minister appealed to the congregation for a salary increase to cover the addition to the family. The congregation agreed that it was only fair, and approved it. When the next child arrived, the minister appealed again and the congregation approved again.Several years and five children later, the congregation was a bit upset over the increasing expense. This turned into a rather loud meeting one night with the minister.Finally, the minister stood and shouted out, "Having children is an Act of God!"An older man in the back stood and shouted back, "Rain and snow are Acts of God, too, and we wear rubbers for them!"----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle. When he got home, he called his kids together to ask which one should have the present."Who is the most obedient?" he asked. "Who never talks back to mother? Who does everything she says?"Five small voices answered in unison: "You do, Daddy!"
A koala was sitting in a gum tree...... smoking a jointwhen a little lizard walked past, looked up and said, "Oi Koala! What are you doing?" The koala said, "Smoking a joint; come up and have some." So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala ,where they enjoyed the weed. After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was dryand that he was going to get a drink from the river. The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned too farover and fell into the river. A crocodile saw this, swam over to the little lizard, andhelped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard,"What's the matter with you?" The little lizard explained to the crocodile that hewas sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree,got too stoned, and then fell into the river while taking a drink. The crocodile said that he had to check this out, walkedinto the rain forest, and found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said,"Oi you!" So the koala looked down at him and said, "Shiiiiiiiiiiit, duuuuuude..... How much water did you drink?!!"
The Centrelink Office.A long haired Aboriginal walked into the local Centrelink office to pick up his dole cheque.He marched straight up to the counter and said, 'Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing the dole. I'd really rather have a job.'The Centrelink girl behind the counter said, ' Your timing is excellent, Sir..''We have just received a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2009 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say but you will also have as part of your job assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive. A two-bedroom loft type apartment with plasma TV, stereo, bar, etc. located above the garage will be designated for your sole use and the salary is $200,000 a year. 'The Aboriginal plain wide-eyed, said, ' You're bullshitin' me! The Centrelink worker replied, ' Yeah, well. . you f***ing started it.'
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