I hope these bring a smile, I myself was laughing very hard!!! No disrespect meant to anyone, and no one killed in the making of, either!!!
The first one...
A dog is truly a man's best friend.If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you????????
The second...
A man with a pegleg, hook hand and an eyepatch went to apply to be a pirate.Interviewer: How did you get that pegleg?Pirate: Arrr. I got me leg shot off during the first world war.Interviewer: How did you get that hook?Pirate: I got me hand cut off by a big knife.Interviewer: What about your eyepatch?Pirate: It was a rainy afternoon and I looked up into the sky and a bird crapped in me eye.Interviewer: And that put your eye out?Pirate: No, it was the day after I got me hook.
And last, but not least....
The foreman points out a huge pile of sand. He says to the Italian guy, 'You're in charge of sweeping.'To the Scotsman he says, 'You're in charge of shoveling.'And to the Chinese guy, 'You're in charge of supplies.'He then says, 'Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile of sand.'So when the foreman returns, after being away for a couple of hours, the pile of sand is untouched. He asks the Italian, 'Why didn't you sweep any of it?'The Italian replies, ' I no hava no broom You saida to the Chinese-a-fella that he was in charge of supplies, but he has a disappeared and I no could finda him nowhere.'Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, 'And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile.'The Scotsman replies, 'Aye, that ye did laddie, boot ah couldnay get meself a shoovel! Ye left that Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldnay fin' him neither.'The foreman is really angry now. He storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy. Just then, the Chinese guy leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells....................'SUPPLIES!!!!'
DR. SEUSS EXPLAINS COMPUTERSIf a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, and the bus is interrupted as a very last resort, and the address of the memory makes your floppy disc abort, then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash, and your data is corrupted 'cause the index does not flash, then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!If the label on the cable on the table at your house,says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, but your packets want to tunnel on another protocol, that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,and your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss, so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse, then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,'cause as sure as I'm a poet, the suckers gonna hang.When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disc, and the micro code instructions cause unnecessary risk, then you have to flash your memory, and you'll want to RAM your ROM... Quickly turn off your computer and go and tell your Mom.
It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero, when the little blonde got off work. She made her way to the parking lot and wondered how she was going to make it home.
She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her snowy situation. She then remembered her daddy's advice that if she ever got caught in a blizzard, she should wait for a snowplow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in a snow drift. This made her feel much better and sure enough, in a little while, a snowplow went by and she started to follow it.
As she followed the snowplow, she was feeling very smug as they continued and she was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions. After quite some time had passed, she was somewhat surprised when the snowplow stopped and the driver got out and came back to her car and signalled for her to roll down her window.
The snowplow driver wanted to know if she was all right, as she had been following him for a long time. She said that she was fine and told him of her daddy's advice to follow a snowplow when caught in a blizzard.
The driver replied that it was okay with him and she could continue if she wanted, but he was done with the Wal-Mart parking lot and was going over to Home Depot next.
language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine.
Things like 'chalk' or 'pencil,' she described, would have a gender association although in English these words were neutral. Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked, "What gender is a computer?"
The teacher wasn't certain which it was,and so divided the class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. One group was comprised of the women in the class, and the other, of men. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.
The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in masculine gender because: 1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on. 2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless. 3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem. 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.
The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because: 1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic. 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else. 3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval. 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories.
Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven.
At the Gates, St. Peter greets Ford, and tells him, "Well, you've been such a good guy, and your invention...the assembly line for the automobile...changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone in Heaven you want."
Ford thinks about it, and says, - "I want to hang out with God Himself."
So, the befuddled St. Peter takes Ford to the Throne Room,and introduces him to God. Ford then asks God, "When you invented Woman, what were You thinking?"
God asks, "What do you mean?" Well," says Ford, "You have some major design flaws in your invention.
1. There's too much front end protrusion. 2. It chatters way too much at high speeds. 3. Maintenance is extremely high. 4. It constantly needs repainting, and refinishing. 5. It is out of commission at least 5 or 6 days of every 28 6. The rear end wobbles too much. 7. The intake is placed too close to the exhaust. 8. The headlights are usually too small. 9. Fuel consumption is outrageous.
And that's just to name a few."
"Hmmm...," replies God, "Hold on a minute." God goes over to the Celestial Supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the results. In no time the computer prints out a report, and God reads it.
God then turns to Ford, and says, "It may be that my design is flawed, but according to these statistics, more men are riding my invention than yours."
Flat tire....
Yesterday I had a flat tire on the highway, so I eased my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully got out of the car and opened the trunk.
I took out 2 cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic. They look so life-like you wouldn't believe it! They are in trench coats, exposing their nude bodies and private parts to the approaching drivers.
I started to change my tire, and to my surprise, cars started slowing down looking at my life -like men. And of course, traffic started backing up. Everybody was tooting their horns and waving like crazy.
It wasn't long before an OPP pulled up behind me.
He got out of his car and started walking towards me. I could tell he was not a happy camper! "What's going on here?"
"My car has a flat tire," I said calmly.
"Well, what the hell are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?"
I couldn't believe that he didn't know. So I told him, "Hello-o-o-o, those are my emergency flashers."
There was a young Scotsman called Andy,Who knocked over his bottle of Shandy.He lifted his kilt,To wipe up what he spilt,And the barmaid said, "Blimey! That's handy!" --------------------------------------There once was a young Irish woman who went to confession. Upon entering the confessional she said, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned." The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven." The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times."The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Take seven lemons and squeeze them into a glass and then drink it."The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"The priest said "NO, but it will wipe the smile off of your face."
A man suspected his wife was cheating on him, so whenhe left town, he hired a famous Chinese detective toinvestigate. A few days later he received this letter.Most Honorable Sir,You leave house,He come to house.He and she leave house,I follow.He and she go to hotel,I climb tree to see.He kiss she,she kiss he.He strip she,she strip he.I play with me,I fall out of tree,I not see.No fee,Chen Lee
A lady was in a hardware store looking at a fishing poles. She asked the store manager how much it was he said 'I am blind drop it on the ground and i'll tell ya. She dropped it on the ground.'Aahh that's 10.00.' She bent down and let a big fart that everyone heard. But, she really wanted the pole so she picked it up. And went to pay for it. 'That will be 20.00' 'But you said 10.00' '10.00 extra for the stink bait and duck call.
thank you Shaunna!!!
--- Bottle of Merlot
A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant. So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there.' ..and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.
She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note. The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the
gentleman. The note read: 'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants'.
After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return.. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady. It read: 'Just to let you know things aren't always
what they appear to be, I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen, Miami and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana . There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you are, would I cut off three inches.. Just send the bottle back.
I like this one, not really a *funny* but something to think about!!!
A young couple moves into a new neighborhood.The next morning, while they are eating breakfast,the young woman sees the neighbor hang up the wash outside.“That laundry is not very clean,” she said, “she doesn't knowhow to wash correctly. Perhaps she needs another laundry soap.” The husband looked on, but remained silent.Every time her neighbor would hang out the wash, the young woman would make the same comment.About one month later, the woman was surprised to see a nice clean wash on the line and said to her husband, “Look! She has learned how to wash correctly. I wonder who taught her this?”To which her husband replied, “I got up early this morning and washed the windows.”And so it is with life: What we see while watching others,depends on the purity of the window through which we look through.
A man walks into a bar. The bartender says to the guy, "What can I get you?"
"Make it a whisky," says the man who promptly throws it down in one gulp.
"That will be three dollars," says the bartender.
"Screw you!" says the man. "You offered to get me something. I thought you were paying."
"Get out," says the bartender. "You're banned. I don't need your crap."
Anyway, two years later, the same man walks into same bar with the same bartender.
The bartender looks at him and says, "You're the asshole who tried to con a drink out of me, aren't you?"
"Excuse me, but I have no idea what you are talking about," says the customer. "I've never been to this bar before in my life!"
"Sorry. My mistake," says the bartender. "You must have a double."
"Hey thanks, dude!" says the customer. "Make it whisky."
. good one Wiz!!!!
Each year the Washington Post's "Style Invitational" asks readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are some winners:
Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.
Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
Glibido: All talk and no action.
Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down.The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to theblind man and hands him a menu. "I'm sorry sir, but I am blind, and can't read themenu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previouscustomer, I'll smell it and order from there." A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirtydish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns tothe blind man's table and hands it to him. The blindman puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deepbreath. "Ah, yes that's what I'll have, meatloaf andmashed potatoes." Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walkstowards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner'swife and he tells her what had just happened. The blindman eats his meal and leaves. Several days later the blind man returns and the ownermistakingly brings him a menu again. "Sir, remember me?I'm the blind man.""I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you adirty fork." The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it tothe blind man. After another deep breath, the blind mansays, "That smells great, I'll take the Macarroni andchesse with broccoli. Once again walking away in disbelief,the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with himand tells his wife that the next time the blind man comesin he's going to test him. The blind man eats and leaves. He returns the following week, but this time the owner see'shim coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, "Maryrub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man." Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back. As the blindman walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting. "Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already havethe fork ready for you." The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff andsays, "Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here?"
A Cowboy riding down the trail encounters an Indian laying on the trail with hard on. The Cowboy asks "what are you doing?" Indian says" Me tellum time." Cowboy shakes his head, rides on, encounters another exactly the same. Says "You telling time?" yup" "how can you tell time like that?" Indian says "workum like sundial, readum shadow". Cowboy, incredulous, rides on. Encounters Indian in trail masturbating. Cowboy says "let me guess, you're telling time too." Indian says " Nope. But me windum clock!"
too funny mrs. captain!!!!
Read slowly....
An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on.Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. “How do you feel about sex?” he asked, rather tentatively.“I would like it infrequently” she replied.The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, then leaned over towards her and whispered: “Is that one word or two?”
> Golf Stories>> >> A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack!>> "Help me dear," she groans to her husband.>> The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up his putter, and lines up his putt.>> His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him. "I'm dying here and you're putting?">> "Don't worry dear," says the husband calmly, " they found a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you.">> "Well, how long will it take for him to get here," she asks feebly?>> "No time at all," says her husband. "Everybody's already agreed to let him play through." > ------------------------------------------------->> A gushy reporter told Phil Michelson, "You are spectacular, your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course. What's your secret?">> Michelson replied, "The holes are numbered" > ----------------------------- >> A young man and a priest are playing together. At a short par-3 the priest asks, "What are you going to use on this hole my son? ">> The young man says, "An 8-iron, father. How about you?">> The priest says, "I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray. ">> The young man hits his 8-iron and puts the ball on the green. The priest tops his 7-iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards. The young man says, "I don't know about you father, but in my church, when we pray, we keep our head down.">> ----------- ------- ------------>> Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody 5-iron standing over a lifeless man. The detective asks,"Ma'am, is that your husband?">> "Yes " says the woman.>> "Did you hit him with that golf club?">> Yes, yes, I did.." The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her, hands on her face.>> "How many times did you hit him?">> "I don't know, five, six, maybe seven times.....just put me down for a five." >> ------------------------------> A golfer teed up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees. He found his ball and saw an opening between two trees he thought he could hit through. Taking out his 3-wood, he took a mighty swing. The ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him.>> As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter asked, "Are you a good golfer?">> The man replied: "Got here in two, didn't I?" >> ------------------------------>> The bride was escorted down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side. >> She said: "What are your golf clubs doing here?">> He looked her right in the eye and said, "This isn't going to take all day, is it?"
His request approved, the Fox News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight. He was told a twin engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport. Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go'. The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off. Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.' 'Why?' asked the pilot. 'Because I'm a photographer for Fox Cable News,' he responded. 'And I need to get some close up shots.' The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me, is . .. you're NOT my flight instructor?
=============================================================================================
Sent by a friend:
Top This One For A Speeding Ticket
Two California Highway Patrol Officers were conducting speeding enforcement on I-15, just north of the Marine Corps Air Station at Miramar. One of the officers was using a hand held radar device to check speeding vehicles approaching the crest of a hill. The officers were suddenly surprised when the radar gun began reading 300 miles per hour. The officer attempted to reset the radar gun, but it would not reset and then turned off. Just then a deafening roar over the treetops revealed that the radar had in fact locked on to a USMC F/A-18 Hornet which was engaged in a low flying exercise near the location. Back at the CHP Headquarters the Patrol Captain fired off a complaint to the USMC Base Commander. The reply came back in true USMC style:
Thank you for your letter. We can now complete the file on this incident.
You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the Hornet had detected the presence of, and subsequently locked on to your hostile radar equipment and automatically sent a jamming signal back to it, which is why it shut down.
Furthermore, an Air-to-Ground missile aboard the fully armed aircraft had also automatically locked on to your equipment location.
Fortunately, the Marine Pilot flying the Hornet recognized the situation for what it was, quickly responded to the missile system alert status and was able to override the automated defense system before the missile was launched to destroy the hostile radar position.
The pilot also suggests you cover your mouths when cussing at them, since the video systems on these jets are very high tech. Sergeant Johnson, the officer holding the radar gun, should get his dentist to check his left rear molar. It appears the filling is loose. Also, the snap is broken on his holster.
Thank you for your concern. Semper Fidelis
A little girl asked her mother, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walkaround the block?"Mom replies, "No, because she is on heat.""What's that mean?" asked the child. "Go ask your father. I think he's inthe garage."The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for awalk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was on heat, andto come to you".Dad said, "Bring Belle over here." He took a rag, soaked it with petrol,and scrubbed the dog's backside with it and said, "Okay, that should takecare of that problem, You can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and onlygo one time around the block."The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on theleash.Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"The little girl said, "She ran out of petrol about halfway around theblock, so another dog is pushing her home".
Bob and Jim walk into a bar. Bob says, "Hey Donkeyboy, get me a drink." The bartender gets him a drink.Bob says, "Donkeyboy, get me another drink." The bartender gets him another drink.Finally, Jim asks the bartender, "Why does he call you Donkeyboy?""I don't know. Hehaw-hehaw-he always calls me that."
A guy walks into a bar and says to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas."The barman says, "Wow, you must have had one hell of a day.""Yeah, I just found out my oldest son is gay."The next day, the same guy comes into the bar and asks for six more double vodkas. When the bartender asks what's wrong, the man says, "I just found out that my youngest son is gay, too!"On the third day, the guy comes into the bar and orders another six double vodkas. The bartender says, "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"The man downs the first drink and shakes his head, "Yeah, my wife!"
If this has been up b4 I appoligise, its just that a friend of mine sent it too me and i wanted to share it here
Never Argue with a Woman One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book. Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?' 'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?') 'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her. 'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading' 'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.' 'For reading a book,' she replies, 'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her again, 'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading' 'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.' 'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the woman. 'But I haven't even touched you,' says the game warden. 'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.' 'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.
A renowned gorilla hunter advertises for an assistant and a young man applies succussfully fot the job.
The next morning the two of them take off with a shotgun and a very randy dog. Upon spying their first gorilla the hunter goes up the tree shakes it like all buggery and the gorilla falls out. The dog then promptly mounts the gorilla and rogers it to death.
This goes on all day - the hunter shakes the tree until the gorilla falls out for the dog to roger it - but the assistant says nothing, goes home rather perplexed but turns up for work the next morning as arranged.
The same thing goes on right up until lunchtime and the assistant can hold his curiosity no longer, so asks the hunter what his purpose was if he has the gun but is never required to fire it.
"Well it's like this," says the hunter: "I go up the tree, shake the buggery out of it until the gorilla falls out, and as soon as it hits the grounf Fido takes care of the rest. You're here just in case I happen to be the one that falls out. If that happens, you shoot the effing dog.
A 60-year-old man went to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor told him, "You're in terrific shape. There's nothing wrong with you. Why, you might live forever. You have the body of a 35 year old. By the way, how old was your father when he died?" The 60 year old responded, "Who said he was dead?" The doctor was surprised and asked, "How old is he and is he very active?" The 60 year old responded, "Well, he is 82 years old and he still goes skiing three times a season and surfing three times a week during the summer." The doctor couldn't believe it. "Well, how old was your grandfather when he died?" The 60 year old responded again, "Who said he was dead?" The doctor was astonished. He said, "You mean to tell me you are 60 years old and both your father and your grandfather are alive? Is your grandfather very active?" The 60 year old said, "He goes skiing at least once a season and surfing once a week during the summer. Not only that," said the patient, "my grandfather is 106 years old, and next week he is getting married again." The doctor said, "At 106 years old, why on earth would your grandfather want to get married?" His patient looked up at the doctor and said, "Who said he wanted to?"
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