Good one, Wiz!

A few Steven Wright one liners:

You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading . . . And all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.

Last night, I walked up to this beautiful woman in a bar and asked her, "Do you live around here often?" She said, "You're wearing two different colored socks." I said, "Yes, but to me they're the same because I go by thickness." Then she asked, "How do you feel?" and I said, "Well, you know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs then you lean too far and you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time."

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

Lots of comedians have people they try to mimic. I mimic my shadow.

I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one . . . It wasn't doing what I was doing.

I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me--and I didn't hear it.

I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have written that."

He asked me if I knew what time it was. I said, "Yes, but not right now."

I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.

The tape on mine is to prevent shattering ... not that I'm game to look, just the same.

Hehe, I think I remember you saying this before... or do I!

Thanks, TG....great to see you back and active!   

 

Here're a few more of his....really love the guy!

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.

I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds amazing.

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.

I had to stop driving my car for a while . . . the tires got dizzy.

My neighbor has a circular driveway . . . he can't get out.

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now, but leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."

Last year we drove across the country. We switched on the driving . . . every half mile. We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip . . . I don't remember what it was.

I saw a sign: "Rest Area 25 Miles." That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired.

A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, "Why were you going so fast?" I said, "See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing? This steers it."

I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, "Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?" "Yes, officer, but I wasn't going to be out that long . . . "

One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."

I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over, the cop looks at it [moves it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly] and says, "Here, you can go."

The judge asked, "What do you plead?" I said, "Insanity, your honour, who in their right mind would park in the passing lane?"

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.

Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone. When I came back the entire area was missing.

A general store owner hires a young female clerk with a penchant for very short skirts. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk, and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter. "I`d like some raisin bread, please," the man says politely. 

The clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, located on the very top shelf. The man, standing almost directly beneath her, is provided with an excellent view. 

As the clerk retrieves the bread, a small group of male customers gather around the young man, looking in the same direction. 

Pretty soon each person is asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down. After a few trips the clerk is tired and irritated. She stops and fumes at the top of the ladder, glaring at the men standing below. 

She notices an elderly man standing amongst the throng. "Is yours raisin too?" the clerk yells testily. 

"No," croaks the feeble old man.... "But it's startin' to twitch."

================================================================================================

A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet. He says, 'I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?'

She says, 'Yes. My husband and I use it all the time.'

'And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?'

'We use it for sex.'

The researcher was a little taken back. 'Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?'

The woman says, 'I don't mind telling you at all... My husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out.'

Bubba

Bubba had long heard the stories of an amazing
family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and
great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st
birthday. On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the
bar on the far side for their first legal drink.
   
 So when Bubba's 21st birthday came around, he and his pal Jim Bob took a 

boat out to the middle of the lake, Bubba stepped out of the boat ... and nearly drowned! Jim Bob 

just barely managed to pull him to safety.
   
Furious and confused, Bubba went to see his grandmother. 'Grandma,' he asked, 

'it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake like my pappy, his father, 

and his father before him?'
   
Granny looked deeply into Bubba's troubled eyes
and said, 'Because your father, your grandfather and your great
grandfather were born in January, when the lake is frozen, and you were
born in July, you dumbass'.

===============================================================================

WINTER BLONDE 
 

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. 

The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."  

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. 

When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. 

She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. 

Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" 

 

Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. 

 

At the third red light, the same thing happens again. 

 

All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker rolls down the window Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" 

 

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. 

 

When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. 

 

He knocks on her window, and after she lowers it, he says... 

 

"Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in Pennsylvania I'm driving the 

SALT TRUCK!"
=====================================================================================

Bran Muffins

The couple were 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.

Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.

One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.

They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet.

They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.'

The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.

'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.'

The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.
'What are the greens fees?' grumbled the old man.

'This is heaven ,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.'

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.

'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to the man, 'this is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'

The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.

'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?,' he asked.

'That's the best part,' St. Peter replied, 'you can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!'

The old man pushed, 'No gym to work out at?'

'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.

'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...'

'Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.'

The old man glared at his wife and said, 'You and your f***in' bran muffins. We could have been here ten years ago!'

 

Tickle Me Elmo A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am. The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman from the assembly line throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire plant behind schedule. The Personnel Manager decides that he should see this for himself so the two men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Elmo's all over the floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands the new employee. She has a roll of red plush fabric and a big bag of marbles. The men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to sew the little package between Elmo's legs. The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches the woman. "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face," I think you misunderstood me yesterday. Your job is to give each Elmo two test tickles."

Three religious persons are discussing when life begins while sitting in a restaurant.

The Catholic Priest said, "Life begins at the moment of conception."

The Minister said, "Life begins at the moment of birth."

Well, the two of them went back and forth over that for an hour until they notie the Rabbi hadn't said anything and was reading the paper. The Priest begged his forgiveness..how rude they'd been...then asked the Rabbi, "When do you people believe life begins?"

The Rabbi said, "Life begins when the last child leaves home and takes the dog."

Emanuel the mohel (the guy that does the circumcision) comes home early in a nervous state. His hands are shaking violently. He has just performed a circumcision on an elderly man and although it went well he is worried that one day it just might happen that things could really go wrong. He now thinks he should take out some professional insurance and calls Monty, who is an insurance broker. 
"Monty," says Emanuel, "I need some malpractice cover designed for mohels." 
"This I've never heard before," says Monty, "but give me a day to investigate." 
Next day, Monty calls back, "Do you want the good news or the bad news?" 
"So give me the good news first," says Emanuel. 
"No regular insurance company will offer you such insurance. But Lloyds of London will insure you for up to £1M at a premium of £500 per year." 
"Nu, and the bad news?" asks Emanuel. 
"There's a two inch deductible."

================================================================================================

There once was a powerful emperor who needed a new chief Samurai. So he put up posters throughout the land saying he was searching for a new chief Samurai. But after 2 months, only 3 Samurai applied for the job, a Japanese, a Chinese, and Morris. So he interviewed all three.
The emperor first asked the Japanese to demonstrate why he should be his chief Samurai. The Japanese opened a little silver box and out flew a little fly. Whoosh went his sword and the fly dropped dead in two pieces. The emperor was impressed.
The emperor then asked the Chinese to demonstrate why he should be his chief Samurai. The Chinese opened a small pearl box and out flew a smaller fly. Whoosh, whoosh went his sword and the fly dropped dead in four pieces. The emperor was very impressed.
Then the emperor asked Morris to demonstrate why he should be his chief Samurai. Morris opened a small gold box and out flew a wasp. Whoooooossshhh, whoooooossshhh, whooooooossshhh, whoooooossshhh, whoooooossshhh went Morris's sword, but the wasp was still alive and buzzing around the emperor.
The emperor was very disappointed and asked Morris, "After all your sword play, why is the wasp not dead?"
Morris replied, "A circumcision is never intended to kill."

 

Oh did I need that one!

Nudist One Liners:

A naked man fears no pickpocket.
Bare butts are cool.
A nudist never has to hold out his hand to see if it is raining.
A Buddhist nudist practices yoga bare.
A harp is a nude piano.
Nudist Resort sign - Sorry, Clothed for Winter.
Always swim nude. Sharks hate to peel their food.
Nudists are people who wear one-button suits.
Never cook bacon when you're naked.
Senior Citizen Nude Beach ahead. Watch for Golden Oldies
------------------------------------------------------------------------

There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.

After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, "Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?"

The third fellow says "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees."

The first two guys were amazed. "What happened then?" they asked. She said, "Get out from under the bed and fight like a man."

lol guys, some nice one's in there

 What an image! BLEEEECH!

Guy was playing golf one day and he got lost. He saw a lady up ahead of him and went to her and said, 'Can you please help me, I don't know what hole I'm on.'
She told him 'You are one hole behind me. I'm on 7; you're on 6.' He thanked her and continued playing golf.
Later he got lost again. He saw the same lady and went to her again kind of embarrassed. 'I'm sorry to bother you again but I'm lost again, can you please tell me what hole I'm on.'
She told him 'you are one hole behind me. I'm on 14; you are on 13.' Again he thanked her and continued playing golf.

When he finished he saw her in the clubhouse. He went up to her and asked if he could buy her a drink for helping him out. She accepted. As they were drinking and talking he asked her what she did for a living.
'I'm in sales.' she said.
He replied, 'no kidding so am I. What do you sell?'
She said it's too embarrassing to tell. But after he kept pleading to know what she sold and finally, she said she'd tell him if he promised not to laugh.
He promised.
She said, 'I sell WHISPER (Sanitary Napkins)'.
He immediately fell to the floor laughing hysterically.
She said, 'You promised you wouldn't laugh'.He replied (still with tears in his eyes), 'I'm sorry, but I wasn't laughing at you."

She then asked: "Well what were you laughing at then?" 

He replied: "Because I'm still one hole behind you.... I sell toilet paper."

If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them...

Would you go to lunch or read the paper?