Here are a few chuckles for you:

1. Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it.
The thief spends less than my wife did.

2. There was a beautiful young woman knocking on my hotel room door all night!
I finally had to let her out.

3. I just got back from a pleasure trip.
I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

4. I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years.
If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!

5. What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she's making love?
"Honey, I'm home!"

I was having that  very same problem too, it seem as tho it has fixed its self

For quite some time now....

I did it for you....

posted shoppies! LOL

Thanks to you, I no longer open a public bathroom door
> without using a paper towel.
> I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I
> don't know what the last person was doing while flipping
> through the channels.
>
> I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can
> only imagine what has happened on it since it was last
> washed.
>
> I can't enjoy lemon slices in my tea or on my seafood
> anymore because lemon peels have been found to contain all
> kinds of nasty germs including feces.
>
> I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been
> driving because the number one pastime while driving alone
> is picking your nose.
>
> Eating a Little Debbie sends me on a guilt trip because I
> can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have
> consumed over the years.
>
> I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has
> placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.
>
> I must send my special thanks to whoever sent me the one
> about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to
> use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.
>
> Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for
> the same reason.
>
> I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick
> girl (Penny Bro wn) who is about to die in the hospital for
> the 1,387,258th time.
>
> I no longer have any money at all, but that will change
> once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL
> are sending me for participating in their special e-mail
> program .
>
> I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214
> angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has
> granted my every wish.
>
> I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually
> horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
>
> I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I
> smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
>
> Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get
> answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and
> make a wish within five minutes.
>
> Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because
> it can remove toilet stains.
>
> I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along
> to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my
> back seat when I'm pumping gas.
>
> I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who
> make these products are atheists who refuse to put
> 'Under God' on their cans.
>
> I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it
> causes cancer.
>
> And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of
> water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my
> face... disfiguring me for life.
>
> I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I
> could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
>
> I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug
> me with a perfume sample and rob me.
>
> I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they
> are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
>
> I no longer shop at Target since they are French and
> don't support our American troops or the Salvation
> Army...
>
> I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to
> dial a number for or which I will get a phone bill with
> calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and Uzbekistan .
>
> I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman-Marcus since
> I now have their recipe.
> Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine
> because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat
> to cause me instant death when it bites my ass.
>
> And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up
> $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was
> placed there by a rapist waiting underneath my car to grab
> my leg.

Just reading through these, lol, nice ones

Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while traveling in Europe )

'If I register my car in France , and then take it to England , do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?'

Materialistic

One day, there was this lawyer who had just bought a new car, and he was eager to show it off to his colleagues, when all of a sudden an eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere and took of the driver's side door with him standing right there.
"NOOO!" he screamed, because he knew that no matter how good a mechanic tried to fix it, it never would be the same. Finally, a cop came by, and the lawyer ran up to him yelling. "MY JAGUAR DOOR WAS JUST RUINED BY SOME FOOLISH DRIVER!!!" he exclaimed.
"Your a lawyer aren't you?" asked the policeman. "Yes, I am, but what does this have to do with my car?!?!" the lawyer asked.
"HA! Your lawyers are always so materialistic. All you care about is your possessions. I bet you didn't even notice that your left arm is missing did you?" the cop said.
The lawyer looked down at his side and exclaimed "MY ROLEX!"
The girl snapped up the package, pointed to the old geezer standing beside her, and smiled, "Grandpa will pay the bill."

lol nice ones guys

Three  women die together in an accident  

 And go to heaven. 

When  they get there, St. Peter says,  

 'We only have one rule here in  heaven: 
Don't  step on the ducks!'

So they enter heaven, and sure enough,   

 There are ducks all over the place. 
It is  almost impossible not to step on a duck,  

 And although they try their best  to avoid them,  

 The first woman accidentally steps on one.  

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.  

 St.  Peter chains them together and says,  

 'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to  
Spend  eternity chained to this ugly man!'  

  
The  next day,  

 The second woman steps accidentally on a duck  

 And along comes St. Peter,  

 Who doesn't miss a thing.  

 With him is another extremely ugly man.  

 He chains them together  

 With the same admonishment as for the first woman. 

The third woman has observed all this and, 

  Not  wanting to be chained
For all eternity to an ugly man, is very,  

 VERY careful where she  steps.

She manages to go months  

 Without stepping on any ducks,  

 But  

 One day St.Peter comes up to her  

 With the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on  

 .... Very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.  


St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says,  

 'I wonder what I did to deserve being  
Chained to you for all of eternity?' 

The guy says,  

 'I don't know about you,  

 But I stepped on a 
Duck.