Message from Her Majesty the Queen
To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas , which she does not fancy). Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
(You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary..)
1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour', 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise'. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'voca bulary').
3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let M*crosoft know on your behalf. The M*crosoft spell-chec ker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize.
4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be i ndependent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
7. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.
Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
8. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $13/US gallon. Get used to it.
9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be ref erred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on e arth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
11. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guy s. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in 'Four Weddings and a Funeral' was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
12. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.
13. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
16. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
God Save the Queen!
Hey Highlander, you guys won't have to worry about any US resistance if you dress like that!
We'll be laughing too hard to put up much of a fight!
'specially 'coz they ain't be wearin' no unders!
Ye'd best be prayin' they ain't been eatin' no curried cabbage!
Hey, Cp, I can assure you that when them thar fellers lift them kilts, there wouldn't be a 'bad boy' within a bulls roar of 'em. The sight is not just awesome, it's bloody scary and them bad boys 'd be heading fer them thar hills. Why do you think Hadrian built that wall between England and Scotland? Well let's put it this way, it wasn't so that he could train those pretty English Ivy creepers up it. Nope, that wasn't it at all...
The Roman army was a pretty fearsome outfit in its own right... even if it did wear those silly short skirts, but when it saw the Scottish horde coming down from the hills, with 'things' bobbing out of those knee-length kilts, it turned tail and ran to safer ground.... and the 'wall was thus built to stop the fearsome Scots from following.
Actually, that's one of their new fighting tactics... a "look, no hands' kilt lifting so they can still fire some buckshot into the butts of them wots running away. The theory is that there's nothing more demoralising and/or embarrassing than getting shot in the arse, so they're not likely to wanna come back for more. Personally, tho, if I saw a Scotsman with his kilt up around his ears, the last thing I'd wanna do is go back for more... buckshot or no buckshot.
Maybe so Starkers, but they can't do that Braveheart crap in East Los Angeles! I'm sorry dawg!
A fool out here will tell you BREAK YOURSELF, and walk off with your guillotine.
The ratio of Gang Bangers will have their way with you poor unsuspecting bastards a thousand to one!
And that's in one of 188 cities in Los Angeles County. Do you have a Map? Did you know there's 22,000,000 people in New York City Alone? I didn't say the state. Got enough troops? Got milk?
And they don't just kill, they JACK you too and take your vehicle! That's jeeps, aircrafts, tanks, APC's, your daughter's new car, your horse, don't matter! Chop Shop!
Come on out to So Cal and the smog and traffic'll kill what's left of you! That is, those few who survived the 13 Colonies, which I do with all my heart, seriously doubt there will be many, if any!
Ya'll be careful what colors you wear in certain Hoods now, ya hear...
I've known a few shy people in my lifetime.... but a Scotsman was never among them, and if they could get the entire Roman army to hightail it and run cos of their huge 'kabers', a few gangbangers ain't gonna phase 'em none.
Whaddya mean, got enuff troops? Just one Scots soldier with a kaber that'd put John Holmes to shame and scare the hell out of Bubba is more than enough... and a whole brigade of 'em would see such panic and fear in the streets there'd be no 'jacking' of cars, horses, mopeds or even rollerskates... why, you'd even be able to leave your car unlocked with yer valuables in plain view on the front seat and they'd still be there when you got back...
As fer the milk... no self-respecting Scotsman drinks milk... not unless there's a dram or three of whiskey in it.
And if you thought the Scot soldiers were bad, you'd have seen nothing yet... the worst would still be to come. Her Majesty is a personal friend of old iron drawers, Maggie Thatcher herself, and once she was unleashed there'd be no stopping her... not even an Abrams tank would subdue her once she's on the rampage.
No worries about that, I'm sure they'll leave their pink kilts at home.
The last thing any of you will want to see is a hoard of scotsmen tossing their cabers...
Notice how low the wall was built? 'coz of them long Kabers! Deionychus be 'avin th' right idear!
Aye, she be th' worst o' th' worst! A true WMD!
An' Deionychus be a Pommy an' 'e be usin' th' tongue in cheek 'postrophies 'round th' tossin'.
All fun aside: Congrats Cplair! Don' be lettin' no Scots 'round ye now...they be th' worst Pyrates of all!
Have any of you even noticed that I haven't involved the US Armed Forces? That's because our Army, Navy, Marines and Air Force isn't your problem!
It's the US's crazy ass people that's going to run you outta here!!
Thanx Dr. J! This forum is the most fun I've had in a while! You're good peeps dude!
Didn't matter how high or low Hadrian's wall was, them Scots be magnificent 'pole' vaulters.
When you say "WMD" you have no idear just how much of a WMD (Weaponised Menopausal Demon) she really is. Word has it that when male parliamentarians heard heard the clank of her iron drawers drawing closer in the halls of the House of Commons, they would claw their way through locked oak doors to escape her ferocious growl... nobody knows just how devastating her bite really is cos the growl had 'em scurrying to hide in any nook or cranny they could find... if her growl was that bad, then a man-eating crocodile's bite would pale in comparison to hers.
One thing we would have to do is get rid of all the criminals over there. We would do what we have done before - deport them all to Australia.
There's plenty of room outback for 200,000,000+ crimos, should blend right in with the locals...
You do that and you'll be responsible for starting a plague of Roos, Wombats and Aborigines constantly getting sexually assulted!
Besides, we have our own version of the Outback right here. We call it Texas, Alaska, Montana and California!
Oh yeah and Detroit!
You forgot upstate N.Y.
I've been trying to warn these dudes 2of3! They don't hear me!
They want to take the 13 Colonies back! Go ahead and take it, after an hour you'll beg us to get you outta there!
Can't you see their invasion force anchored in N.Y. Harbor, 5 minutes later, boat JACKED!
The fleet's now on milk crates!! Plus, you gotta walk home cause they JACKED your wallet too!
That wher ya hail from 2 of 3? Everyone fergets upstate NY....they don't even have a zip code.
Nae, Dionychus.....them crimos'll be findin' life ain't no pleasure wit a didgeradoo in their sterns!
Cplair be feelin' 'is oats t'day! But yer poor crimos be hors de ouvres fer me big Scot bairns....more's th' pity....but look't th' bright side, matey....ye'll be payin' less taxes on 'em.
Dr J, I come from Watts down in South Central Los Angeles! They stole all my oates!
Just keep repeating Invasion Fleet - Milk Crates! Navy Boats - Pawn Shop! Troops - JACKED!
I'm trying to save all you poor boys lives! However if I can't change your mind, keep some sort of ID on your person so we can notify your next of kin.
Identification can include but is not limited to: Drivers License, Birth / Death certificate, Passport, dental records, report cards, or your last PAP smear from God knows what really goes on underneath those skirts! Make certain you have at least one of those with you during your invasion!
But you decide! I've given you dudes enough fair warning! Come on out, bring lots of NUKES, and if you hurry, it means we can celebrate the 4th of July a bit earlier!
Then, laddie.....open t' door and watch the carnage.....we'll 'ave ye back home in a jiff!
Must've slipped this in while I was writing....
And the crazy assed people won't be a problem, either.... I mean, can you think of anyone more crazy assed than Scotsmen who wear kilts in sub-zero temperatures? Not only does it make them crazy assed, with Arctic winds blowing up their kilts (without shrinkage), it makes 'em one on the toughest fighting forces on Earth.. if not THE TOUGHEST.
Waddya mean, Invasion fleet - Milk Crates! Navy Boats - Pawn Shop! There won't be any boats! Them Scots boys are so tough they don't need boats. No siree, they'd swim ashore (all the way from Scotland, and probably underwater so they're deep inside Washington, New York and Hollywood before anyone knows it) and sieze the institutions of power and money.
Not that they're gonna need it, but the only identification these Scots boys need it to lift up their kilts.... name, rank and serial number is tattooed on their... well, um, you get the picture.
The Brits don't have NUKES.... they have BUKES, which are like NUKES but better. And I'm not visualising July 4th... more like November 5th, Guy Fawkes Night... only they would succeed where he failed, and take down those corrupt bastards in Washington. Actually, they'd be doing the American people a great service, so I dunno if anybody would really wanna stop 'em.
Ah yes, the long cold walk in the North Atlantic! You gotta take a step and then come up for air, take another step, then come up for air...
Calculating distance, tide, accounting for varitable weather patterns and seasonal change, guess we'll see you boys around 2106!
No, not a long cold walk on the bottom of the Nth Atlantic,,, they're highly specialised and adaptive swimmers, so there'd be no coming up for air... and with their kilts acting very similarly to the jellyfish-like propellant, thrusting them through the water at high speed, they'd be there before you know it.
Haha, 2106... that'll be the year the second King of America will be crowned.... Prince William's young bloke.
*edit* Oh, and you forgot the Bermuda Triangle... but those Scots blokes 'll handle that easily... like a strong breeze blowing your curtains off yer window and across the room.
How true. Given enough time the US army etc will eliminate itself due to friendly fire...
A palace insider, who believe Americans deserve to know the truth about this colony reclaimation thing, wrote down what knows on a piece of paper, made it into a paper plane and threw it out of a second floor window of Buckingham Palace, in the hope it'd find it's way to someone who would understand it's significance, which it did. My aunt in Coventry found the paper plane on her front lawn, saw what was written on it, scanned it and emailed it to me, knowing that I am interested in political/current affairs and would make it public.
Unfortunately, the paper plane got wet in the morning dew and some of the ink ran a little, but for the most part it was still legible and has been as accurately as possible reproduced in the following....
"In her widsom, Her Majesty has decided a reclaimation of the American colonies is in order to offset a potential family crisis of great magnitude. Although in her eighties, Her Majesty is as spritely as a 50 year old and is likely to rule for another 30 years or so; and therein lies the problem. Prince Charles, fast approaching 60 would thus be ninety years of age and desires very much to be sitting on the throne much before then, which is most unlikely as Her Majesty has clearly indicated it is her intention to remain England's monarch until she passes on.
This is a situation that is not pleasing HRH Prince Charles at all, and thus the plan was hatched by Her Majesty to give Charles a throne of his own in the American colonies. Now it's obvious that Her Majesty loves Prince Charles a great deal and would do anything for him, but personally, I think giving him the throne of the American Colonies was just to silence his nancy boy whining about not having a kingdom of his own. To be frank, I do not know why he would even want a (real) throne, he cannot even manage the bidet in the 'throne room' at Kensington Palace.
I am sorry that I digressed, it does not address the American Colonies crisis. Given that HRH Prince William is preferred by the British public as the next monarch, probably because his ears are considerably smaller than his father's, it is most unlikely that the American public would like or want HRH Prince Charles as their next monarch, either. I do not believe it would be fair to mislead the American people into believing Her Majesty the Queen is to be their monarch, when in actual fact Charles would be foisted upon them instead.
It would be dishonest and deceitful, should that be the case, that HRH Prince Charles is installed as US Monarch, thus I implore you, the American people, to petition Her Majesty for somebody else. Of course, due to the colony reclaimation thing, the alternative monarch would have to be of British Heritage, and preferably someone of high reputation, such as: Sir Cliff Richard; Sir Sean Connery; Sir Paul McCartney; Screaming Lord Sutch: Sir Bob Geldof... even George Michael would do, but please, anyone but Charles. It's not that we want him here, either, but it would be preferable to another War of Indepenence due to unrest over his rule.
Sincerely, Anonymous Palace insider.
Oh and PS, if HRH Prince Charles visits the United States prior to the reclaimation, please, noone speak of this anywhere near him. Due to his extraordinarily large ears, he hears everything, and you cannot afford to make him aware that George Michael would be preferred monarch over himself."
Well there you have it, there's covert dealings and subterfuge afoot in the Palace... and forewarned is forearmed. So to prevent the invasion of hairy Scots Dragoons in kilts with enormous kabers, perhaps you could install a Brit who's already over there and with a Sir in front of his name.... Sir Mick Jagger comes to mind. Or what about Clive Owen... he played King Arthur once.
That's cold, it's true, but it's still cold!
So did you purposely leave out the Diva Sir Elton John from this, er ah, distinguished list of Knights for any particular or peculiar reason?
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