RadialFX

Join Date 07/2001

+33

When Should Mom Stop

Sleeping and Showering with Boys

My girlfriend and I are at odds on when should a parent start exihbiting healthy boundries to their children. She has 2 boys (10 and 13) and still showers with them and allows them to sleep with her. She's even described her oldest son's genitals as starting to look "Manly". The other day they were laughing in the background, I asked her what was so funny and she said they were laughing about rubbing soap on her ass in the shower. There's the situation. I'm concerned that if we try to take this any further I'm gonna be the "Bad Guy" that came along and took their space in the bed, shower, etc... Not to mention the kind of emotional damage it may induce. I know that the LAST thing I ever want to remember is what my mom looked like naked. I need some feedback....please. Thanks Edit: The reason I'm asking is because she thinks I'm whacked for being critical of the situation and It's about to cause a breakup. If I'm being wierd about this then I can swallow it and go on. BUT, I'm just convinced that there are going to be some major issues if she continues to ignore the suggestions. Issues that would be tough to deal with, jealousy, rebellion, all sorts of acting out, etc...

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Whoooa, I certainly don't consider that normal or appropriate behavior at all.

Those boys are definitely old enough to bathe themselves and sleep in their own beds. She is definitely not doing them ANY favors with those actions. Imagine if their friends at school found out, they'd be teased and bullied relentlessly for being "momma's boys." At some point that might even be considered child abuse (thought I'm not sure where that line is drawn).

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RUN RadialFX! RUN AWAY AS FAST AS YOU CAN!!

...unless of course you're actually willing to take up the responsibility of actually being a real father to those kids and willing to deal with everything that goes with it.

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Jafo

Join Date 03/2001

+1840

Er...boys at 10 and 13 are definitely too old to be showering with their mum.

By 'definite' I mean in most Western Countries she's borderline paedophilia...and by 'borderline' I mean...once the relevant authorities are notified she is going to be knee deep in the poo.

Social Services [or whatever equivalent in your country] will likely remove the children.

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RUN RadialFX! RUN AWAY AS FAST AS YOU CAN!!

LOL, That's exactly what I'm thinking!! I don't want to deal with all the stuff that I feel certain would come with it. I raised 2 boys by myself (Mom live in another state) and I know how difficult that got at times WITHOUT these sort of issues. I can't seem to get her to understand the emotional crap that this stuff is going to spawn. But at this point she's so convinced there's nothing wrong with it I'm was even starting to question myself. When this idea hit me. I'll ask the W/C family!!

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I know that the LAST thing I ever want to remember is what my mom looked like naked.

...ain't that the truth.

It's about to cause a breakup.

Let it.

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NightTrainthedark

Join Date 07/2003

+255

It is wrong and don't let anything convince you otherwise. Love will make you blind.

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Let it.

Let me throw this up in the air: Is letting it cause a breakup enough, really? If you can't get in her head that what she's doing is so wrong and bad for those kids, isn't it your responsibility to call the proper authorities to make sure she can't continue her actions?

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Lantec

Join Date 07/2003

+346

isn't it your responsibility to call the proper authorities to make sure she can't continue her actions?

My sentiments too. Suggest therapy for all first. If the behavior continues you need to get out of the situation or you may find yourself in trouble as well.

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starkers

Join Date 05/2004

+1153

I don't want to deal with all the stuff that I feel certain would come with it.

Nor should you have to!! You need to issue an ultimatum for these activities to cease and desist immediately or you're out of the relationship, period. And if she's not prepared to do this IMMEDIATELY, then you must end it... IMMEDIATELY!!!

I don't know the law in your neck of the woods, but in many countries you could/would be charged and convicted with a variety of things for having known of the situation and not reported it to the relevant authorities. So yeah, you have some serious thinking to do, and I do not envy you one bit because the decision to end it may not be the hardest or only one you have to make at the end of the day.

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ZubaZ

Join Date 11/2001

+917

I know that the LAST thing I ever want to remember is what my mom looked like naked.

So many jokes I'm not going to make.

I have to agree with the sentiment here . . if you think it's wrong you should try to do something to change it regardless of your relationship. In regards to the relationship itself . . now is a good time to separate. Blended families are hard enough without freakiness. Freakiness spells doom.

Sorry man . . hope you weren't too attached.

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OMG, I cannot even imagine my son to have seen me naked at that age even if by accident. I also think that seeing him...... shutter to think.

She needs help and those poor boys are going to have problems if they continue to live in this manner.

I feel bad for you Radial that you ended up in this position.

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I'd have to agree that her actions definitely cross a line. No reason for that stuff at their ages.

You are far from being wrong about it and she definitely needs some guidance in realizing what she is doing is wrong. And if she won't let common sense prevail then I would agree it may be necessary to let someone know who can make her change it.

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Peculiar first of the kind...
May be she didnt live with her husband so...
But definitely there is nothing worst.. If u ask with love she and children would agree and if u scold they won't
Yes the behaviour is strange but IF U CONSULT A PSYCHOLOGIST... It will be very nice...Break and build both start with B but It takes years to build but only seconds to break a relation..
After all she lived in period of tension and frustation..if u love her 1.ASK A PSYCHOLOGIST..tell the whole tale
2.GO ALONE FIRST TIME..never compel her until the psychologist says
3.DO WHAT HE SAYS...
4.beware of lawyers

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Oedipus complex all around reinforced by the mother, the boys will see all males involved with their mother as threats so get out fast. A most unhealthy situation has developed and the dependence between all has developed to such an extent that they all see no wrong in their behaviour and woe betide any interlopers that enter their world - psyche help is needed already to help the boys adjust to normal moral behaviour, the mother has become used to using them as the husband replacement in her life.
If their father has had no impact on the boys lives the problem will be even worse.

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Go with your gut feeling, it seems like you already know that's it's wrong. I have an eighteen year old son and I stopped letting him see me in the buff since he was four, never mind bathing with him.

Being a responsible parent means that you have to think of how all of your actions will impact your child's life, now and in the future. Hopefully, these two boys won't be scarred from their mother's selfishness. Because that's what this is, it's all about her and how good the closeness to her 'babies' make her feel.

Watch out, because if someone in an authoritative position (school, doctor, etc) finds out about this, you could very well be charged with something.

Good luck in whatever decision you make.

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No father i think only psychoanalyst can help and ultimately a psychiatrist... But kids are kids they can be made to understand perhaps the mother gave them too much love.. GOD Save Thee!
I have a better idea.. Ur gf needs something.. Got it.. If no then
run run run

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*Pixeleo is too young to post in such a thread, but he feels horribly scared *

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This is 100% inappropriate behavior, For the kids sake, Social Services needs to be advised of the matter.. Best of luck.

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WebGizmos

Join Date 09/2003

+735

Nuff said!

Oh...on another note...is she looking to adopt?

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Oh...on another note...is she looking to adopt?

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DrJBHL

Join Date 04/2002

+4212

Hey! Ever heard of incest?!
GTF the hell out of there! Leave a hole in the air behind you! There might be 50 ways to leave your lover (P. Simon) but the quickest way is by phone: Child Abuse Hotline 1-800-4-A-CHILD.

Ever wonder why her hubby AIN'T there?

There's only one way to express this: I N A P P R O P R I A T E

I also wonder why you even ask anyone's feedback on this....lacking a moral compass?

Here's a clue: North is out the door!!!

Need any further "feedback"?

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vStyler

Join Date 11/2004

+919

Yeah thats not good at all, creepy at best.. I'd leave.

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DrJBHL

Join Date 04/2002

+4212

Well, if you really need that extra impetus:

From the Latin, "incestus" or unchaste, refers to sexual activity between two people of close kinship, typically by reason of marriage ...
www.forensicexaminers.com/terminology.html

Incest is child sexual abuse by a person the child perceives as a member of the family.
www.sarsonline.org/defhelp_definitions.php

# Sexual activity between individuals so closely related that marriage is prohibited. Incest involving a child is a form of child abuse.
www.medicinenet.com/rape/glossary.htm

# sexual contact that a family member or caretaker imposes on a child who is unable to alter the behavior because of his/her powerlessness in the family.
free-rape-stories.com/handouts/definitions.htm

# is sexual activity between close family members. Incest is considered taboo, and forbidden (fully or slightly) in the majority of current and past ...
www.americola.com/sites/Incestuous

# sexual intercourse between persons too closely related to marry (as between a parent and a child)
wordnet.princeton.edu/perl/webwn

# Incest is defined as sexual intercourse or any form of sexual activity between closely related persons, especially within the nuclear family. ...
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Incest

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DrJBHL

Join Date 04/2002

+4212

Webgizmos....Absolutely correct! This is reportable, and RadialFX might be held complicit (as in conspiracy) and therefore as an accessory before, to and after the fact.

RadialFX: If you don't want to find yourself ending up on a REALLY bad kind of list, and having to register with the Police, you'd better get your head on right and report this ASAP. This is no joking matter. SVU's thrive on this.

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Well, I did report it to my counselor today and she's going to handle it from there. I ended with her last night just explaining that I wouldn't deal with the issues that I knew were on the horizon and that I thought it was just plain wrong. Don't get me wrong it wasn't easy because as luck would have it, other than these major issues, her and I got along great and had a really fun 3 yrs together.

At this point I'm just so dissapointed that I never picked up on it before and I really do understand that she's in denial about it. If anyone doesn't know denial, to me it means that she really doesn't think that there's anything wrong with what is happening. I'm sure in her mind she thinks nothing of it. Obviously, stems from some stuff in her childhood. Either way, I really, really appreciate all of your input and it really confirmed what I was already thinking.

It's funny how sometimes even though you know somethings wrong you can actually question your own beliefs and standards. Again thanks to everyone and I'm sure when the crap hit's fan over there I'm gonna get an earfull.

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