I am Google of Borg... all your private data has been assimilated by our StreetView cars, and though we've promised the inquiry into this that we'll not use any of this data for any purpose, I'm certain to use it to my advantage once the old fart who led the inquiry dies.

I am Hitman of Borg.... hey, Google of Borg, do ya want me to waste this guy earlier than contracted, so's you can get on with bizzness?

I am Sandra Bullock of Borg... I am America's sweetheart and I don't suppose anyone would blame me, but I have a job, Mr Hitman of Borg, where my fingerprints cannot be found on the bloodied rolling pin.

I am Elin Woods of Borg... and when you've finished working for Ms Bullock, Mr Hitman of Borg, I have a job where I want a 9 iron shoved so far up somebody's ass that it looks like he was practicing his sword swallowing and swallowed it handle-end first.

I am Hitman of Borg... that is one nasty way to take a guy out, Elin Woods of Borg, would you be interested in going into partnership?

I am Cher Bono of Borg... I got my ex-husband's cajones in the divorces settlement, can I have a job, too?

I am Cheech Marin of Borg.... all this talk of cajones and smoking loco weed is making me hungry.

I am Tommy Chong of Borg... hey man, are you gonna eat all them sweetbreads to yourself?

I am Chuck Norris of Borg... anybody who pissed me off don't have sweetbreads anymore, just an extra couple of lumps in their throat.

I am Male Gigolo of Borg... been unemployed a couple of weeks now. Must've lost my touch cos it seems every 'opening' slams shut the moment I look at it these days.

I am Carson Kressley of Borg... I have a queer eye for a straight guy, and Male Gigolo of Borg, do I have an 'opening' for you.

I am Barbara Walters of Borg... I have an opening for you, Male Gigolo of Borg... but you'll have to get one of those blower vacs (like gardeners use) to clear away all the cobwebs.

I'm Grandpa Munster of Borg... speaking of cobwebs, I had so many on my implant once, that when it got erecticated it looked like a circus tent for spiders.

I am Herman Munster of Borg... and if my implant gets excited at dinner time, it lifts the old oak dining table clean off the floor.

I am Lily Munster of Borg.... Herman, dear, didn't Dr Frankenstein of Borg get that implant of yours from a T-Rex?

I am Eddie Munster of Borg... my grandpa is real cool cos he sleeps in a coffin Trouble is, he can't close the lid when Madam Erotica of Borg reads him a bedtime story and his implant gets aroused.

I am Marilyn Munster of Borg... I hate it when the family call me the ugly duckling because I'm the odd one out, but the truth is that I'm a freak like them and have an implant bigger than grandpa's.

I am Elvira of Borg... last time I sucked on anything big, it was when I had this ginormous chocolate coated tarantula given to me for my birthday.

I am Count Dracula of Borg... since I got this terrible fang ache, I've had to resort to using the pasteurised bottled stuff, but the blasted blood bank won't let me make any withdrawals.

I am Werewolf of London of Borg... I dunno, ever since I decided to settle down and become domesticated, my owner thinks it's great for me to fetch his slippers and retrieve sticks down at the park.

I am The Creature From The Black Lagoon of Borg... like I have this reflex reaction and bite some kid on the leg cos he stood on my balls while I was taking a nap, and the next thing you know I'm some crazed monster who's eating teeny boppers down at the lake.

I am The Red Cross of Borg.... Woe-Be-Gone of Borg... you only get a lollipop when you give a quart of blood and pledge to donate your organs.

I am The Mummy of Borg,,, phew, that was a close one.  The end of my bandage got caught in a revolving door and I nearly went to pieces. Lucky for me, I got pulled through as well and I got wrapped back up again.

I am Dr Frankenstein of Borg... bring me more body parts, more I say.  I'm running low on arms, legs, boobies and boys implants.

I am Grandpa Munster of Borg.... lemme finish sucking the blood of these Wall St bankers and you can have all the body parts you like, Dr Frankensein of Borg.

I am Eddie Munster of Borg... hey grandpa, aren't you afraid of catching something, sucking on those bankers like that.

I am Grandpa Munster of Borg.... I'm dead already, Eddie, so what's the worst it can do, kill me? 

(can imagine Al Lewis (AKA Grandpa Munster) saying that, too)

I am Chief Executioner of Borg.... Sire, after I lop off Jester of Borg's implant, do you wish that I feed it to your highness's dogs or should I give it to the Court Spinster of Borg to play with?

I am Court Spinster of Borg... I'll have you know, Chief Executioner of Borg, I may be an old maid but I get more than my fair share of implant when I go visit the dungeons.

I am King Sukaduk of Borg.... then perhaps you can take the Queen with you on your future visits, Court Spinster of Borg... so as I may have more time to play with my concubines.

I am Wonderwoman of Borg... strange, that, how my lasso of truth never worked on politicians, lawyers and bankers.

I am Banker of Borg... and I only ever told the truth once.  That was to answer 'yes' when asked if I steal, cheat and embezzle.

I am Lawyer of Borg... I only ever told the truth once as well.  That was when I Said 'Your Honor'  Everything else has been a lie... except this.

I am Politician of Borg... I can only tell the truth if I keep my mouth shut.

I am Used Car Salesman of Borg.... I am so dishonest, I'd wind back the clock on a used horse if I had any veterinary skills

I am Unpredictable of Borg.... sheesh I don't even know what I'm gonna do next.

I am Clairvoyant of Borg... I know, but you're going to have to pay for a reading.

I am Prophet of Borg.... I also know, and to find out you only have to move into the sect compound, give up all your worldly wealth and worship me three times a day.

I am ATF Director of Borg... I wouldn't move in there if I were you.  Were gonna storm the place in about 10 minutes with all guns blazing and couple of small nukes if we meet any resistance.

I am Alexander The Great of Borg.... what, you're going to Timbukthree, Poindexter of Borg?  That's such old hat and done to death, you should try timbukfour instead.  The food's nicer, the wine's cheaper, and the houses of ill-repute are practically free if you go in swinging a big implant and are prepared to assimilate the doorman first.

I am Fancois Dupree of The French Foreign Legion of Borg... and I misunderstood when my commanding officer said that I should use the camel if I needed to assimilate.  The damned thing died mid-bonk and My commanding officer said that I was supposed to ride it into Timukfour to visit a bordello.

I am Hannibal of Borg... yeah, I had trouble with some of my troops and elephants. Couldn't keep 'em separated until we dropped by Timbukfive and took on some professional ladies who how to satisfy an elephant.

I be Cap'n Blackbeard o' Borg... I 'ad trubble wiv me crew gettin' all frisky like, so I got 'em a barrel and took out that cork in tha side.  Trouble wur, I couldn' git anybody ta stay inside tha barrel 'less I gived 'em a extra quart o' rum fer thar trubble.

I am Dr McCoy of Borg.... Jim, when did you first notice you had latent homosexual tendencies, and do you enjoy mmf threesomes as much as ffm threesomes?

I am Mr Spock of Borg... Personally, I enjoy mmm threesomes, ffm threesomes, mfm threesomes and fmf threesomes, but what I really enjoy most is a threesome with Ferengi sheep and a Kardassian goat.

I am Lt Uhura of Borg... my last threesome turned out to be a foursome because the Borg known as 1with2 actually has two willies.

I am Lunch Convener of Borg... please note, it has been discovered that the lunchtime turkey sandwiches are tainted with salmonella and have been recalled by the Borg factory due to health regulations.   Anyone who purchased a turkey sandwich may return it for a full refund.  For those who have eaten their turkey sandwich already, please join the queue to the left and you will be handed an airline strength bag to deposit your sandwich for return.  Your refunds will be deposited to your nominated bank account once the bag contents have been analysed and it it determined the upchuck is indeed turkey sandwich.  Thank you.