Jet Fuel...
Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as airplane mechanics in Atlanta. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.
Bud says, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!" Jim says, "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?" So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and get completely smashed.
The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing! Then the phone rings... It's Jim.
Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?" Bud says, "I feel great. How about you?" Jim says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?" Bud says, "No, that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often." "Yeah, well there's just one thing..." "What's that?" "Have you farted yet?" "No....."
"Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in PHOENIX!!!"
hehehe !!!
Two ducks were flying South for Winter when an Airforce jet overtook them at around mach 5...
After about 40 mid-air somersaults and feathers flying everywhere, they managed to compose themselves and one duck says to the other: "DID YOU SEE THAT?"
"I SURE DID!!!!!" says the other duck.
"AND GEEZ, WASN"T HE MOVING!!!!"
"He sure was," says the other duck: "but so would you if you had two arseholes and both were on fire.
Bumper stickers for me mate Starkers:
I love animals, they taste great. EARTH FIRST! We'll stripmine the other planets later. "Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes." Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies. The gene pool could use a little chlorine. Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot. Give me ambiguity or give me something else. A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries. Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Street Mime... One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer.
However, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, the zookeeper grabs him and drags him into his office.
The zookeeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly. The keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.
The next morning, before the crowd arrives, the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime.
However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he gets bored just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his.
Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it.
At the end of the day the zookeeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction as a gorilla.
Well, this goes on for some time. The mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion, he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind.
Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help, Help me!", but the lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, "Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?"
"Sir," she said, "the ladies room is unoccupied. You may use it only if you promise not to touch the buttons on the wall."
He was about to explode, and would have promised anything, so he agreed to her terms. The relief was pure joy, and as he sat there, savouring the feeling, he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Three white buttons were identified with the letters: WW, WA and PP, and there was one red button labeled ATR.
Who would really know if he touched them? He could not just sit there and resist a challenge like this, so he pushed thw WW button. Warm Water was sprayed gently on his bottom. Such a nice feeling came over him, the men's washroom didn't have nice things like this. Anticipating even greater pleasure, he pressed the WA button.
Warm Air replaced the warm water, wafted and swirled about, gently drying his underside.He knew what he was going to do when the warm air stopped, and without hesitation, he pressed the PP button. A large Powder Puff caressed his bottom, adding a fragrant smell of spring flowers to his unbelievable pleasure.
The ladies room was far more than a restroom, it was a place of tender loving pleasure! He could hardly wait for the powder puff to quit. When it did he pressed what he knew was going to be the ultimate joy!
He knew he was in the hospital room as soon as he opened his eyes. A nurse was staring down at him with a smirk on her face. "What happened? How did I get here? The last thing I remember, I was in the ladies restroom!"
"You pushed too many buttons," replied the nurse, as her smirk expanded to a grin. "That last button marked ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover.
A husband and wife were taking golf lessons at their local links and he had become quite good at it so was able to get a game with any of the members there.
However, his wife was struggling with the whole concept and was so poor nobody would play a round with her, much to her distress after paying thousands of dollars for months and months of lessons.
One afternoon she was at the 19th hole commisurating to a friend that she's spent so much money yet was still useless at golf and really needed help if she was to ever get a game.... that where on earth would she find such help when all the coaches had all but given up on her.
Her friend then told her that the course professional had a coaching vacancy available due to a cancellation and that she should approach him, which she did. It was agreed that they would meet at the first hole at sunrise and he would coach her around the course to the 18th hole... on the proviso she did everything he instructed her to do.
The next morning at sunrise the pair met as arranged and the professional asked her to tee up and take a shot so he could examine her swing for faults and imperfections, etc.
As instructed, the woman teed up and took the shot, which left the ball still in place and a large divot sailing down the main fairway....
"Madam," he said: "your form is all wrong and you're never going to make a sweet connection with the ball with a grip and swing like that. How long have you been taking lessons?"
She nervously answered with: "About 18 months or so, I guess." and then began to cry.
"Look, there's no need to cry, I am the professional and I'm sure we'll get this sorted out for you. First off, your grip on the club is all wrong! You are married, aren't you??"
"Why yes I am, but my husband is so much better at this than I am."
The professional told her not to worry about that and to concentrate on her own game: "OK, now I want you to tee up again, but this time I want you to hold the club like you would your husband's sex organ"
"Oh!!!", she said, and did as she was instructed. Her swing was perfect and the ball sailed 900 yards down the main fairway, landed on the green, rolled about 3 feet and plopped right into the hole.
"WOW!!!", he said: that was a magnificent shot!! I am astounded at the difference between your first attempt and the second, it's a 200 percent improvement."
With that, she felt a whole lot better about herself and produced her first ever smile on the golf course.
"Now", he said: I want you to do that again... only this time, I want you to take the club out of your mouth and put it in your hands."
Skinny Dippers... An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up really nice, along with some picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. When he came closer, he realized it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end to shield themselves.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man frowned and replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
Moral of the story: Old men may move slow but can still think fast.
Little Johnny ask his dad if he can have a TV in his room, and after a while of thinking about it, reluctantly grants his son's request, with the proviso that he turns it off at 10.30pm.
Next day, Little Johnny comes downstairs and asks his dad: "What's love juice??
Dad is absolutely horrified, but nonetheless explains to Little Johnny all about the birds and the bees.
Now Little Johnny is stunned to hear all this information, his mouth is agape in total amazement that his parents could have done such a thing... that that is where he came from.
"So Johhny," asks dad: "what were you watching on TV last night that would have prompted you to ask a question like that?"
"Oh," says Johnny: "just Wimbledon."
Scottish Kilt... A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off a considerable amount of whisky at a local pub. As he staggered down the road, he felt quite sleepy and decided to take a nap, with his back against a tree.
As he slept, two young lasses walked down the road and heard the Scotsman snoring loudly. They saw him, and one said, "I've always wondered what a Scotsman wears under his kilt."
She boldly walked over to the sleeping man, raised his kilt, and saw what nature had provided him at his birth.
Her friend said, "Well, he has solved a great mystery for us, now! He must be rewarded!" So, she took a blue ribbon from her hair, and gently tied it around what nature had provided the Scotsman, and the two walked away.
Several minutes later, the Scotsman was awakened by the call of nature, and walked around to the other side of the tree to relieve himself. He raised his kilt...and saw where the blue ribbon was tied. After several moments of bewilderment, the Scotsman said...
"I don't wanna know where y'been lad...but it's nice ta'know y'won first prize!"
Woman gets naked in front of her husband and asks: "What turns you on the most, my pretty face, my voluptuous bust or my sexy butt???
He briefly looks her up and down and replies: "Your sense of humour."
OUCH!
Dead man walking
That's just like when they ask "Does this dress make me look fat?"
One Day at school a math teacher decided to quiz her class in addition.
Teacher: "If I give you two cats plus two cats plus another two cats how many cats do you have?"
Little Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "No Little Johnny that's not right." "look If I give you two oranges plus two oranges plus another two oranges how many do you have?'
Little Johnny: "Six."
Teacher: "Correct Little Johnny." "Now If I give you two cats plus two more cats then another two cats how many cats do you have?"
Teacher: "NO JOHNNY HOW DO U KEEP GETTING SEVEN!?"
Little Johnny: "Because Mrs. I already have a cat at home."
The Fly...
There was a fly buzzing around a barn one day when she happened upon a pile of fresh cow manure. Due to the fact that it had been hours since she had had her last meal, she flew down and began to eat. She ate and ate. Finally, she decided she had eaten enough and tried to fly away. She had eaten too much though, and could not get off the ground. As she looked around wondering what to do, she spotted a pitchfork leaning up against the wall. She climbed to the top of the handle and jumped off, thinking that once she got airborne, she would be able to take flight. Unfortunately she was wrong and she dropped like a rock, and smashed when she hit the floor. Dead!
ARE YOU READY FOR THE MORAL?
V
Never fly off the handle when you know you're full of s h i t.
Now there's some solid advice for the Forums!
Same thought went through my mind.
A Farmer walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says: "This is the pig that I have to make love to when you're not in the mood". His wife looks up and says: "I think you'll find that's a sheep". The Farmer says: "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep.............."
@BoXXi
This is a old one I still had around.
~Interesting Facts~ If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it) If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it) A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. (In my next life I want to be a pig) (How'd they figure this out, and why?) Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Still can't get over that pig thing) (Don't try this at home...maybe at work?) Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?) (And pigs get 30-minute orgasms? Doesn't seem fair) Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do. (If you're ambidextrous do you split the difference?) The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. (From drinking little bottles of...?) (Did taxpayers pay for this research??) Polar bears are left handed. (Who knew....? Who cares? How'd they find out, ask them?) The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What can be so tasty on the bottom of the pond?) The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes...can you imagine? And why pigs?) A cockroach will live nine days without its head, before it starves to death. (Creepy) The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. (Honey, I'm home. What the....) (Well, at least pigs get a break there...) Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (In my next life I still want to be a lion-pig) Butterflies taste with their feet. (Oh, geez) (That's almost as bad as catfish) An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain. (I know some people like that.) Starfish don't have brains. (I know some people like that too.) After reading all these, all I can say is. . .
Lucky Pigs.
Kiss the Cabbie... A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you".
She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that. But first, you have to be single and you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"
"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley, "maybe we will see what we can do."
The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?"
"Forgive me, but I've sinned. I lied. I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."
Um... with all the curried cabbage in my diet, I've been farting consitently for the last 35 years. So, does that qualify me as a nulear arsenal.
The clerk, not knowing what to do, runs to get the store manager. The manager comes up to the Woman and asks, "What's wrong?"
She explains the situation with the toaster. He tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special. Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming, "GRAB MY BREASTS! GRAB MY BREASTS!"
In shock, the store manager pleads, "Ma'am, why are you saying that?" In a huff, the woman says, "BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE MY BREASTS GRABBED WHEN I'M GETTING SCREWED!"
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