The police arrested a guy who claimed his name was Marvin Fuckbreak. They phoned his place of employ to ensure that was really his name.

The officer said, "Do you have a Fuckbreak there?"

The person on the other end said, "No, we don't even get a coffee break!"

Sex Sandals

A married couple was on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such when they passed this small sandal shop.

From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop!"

So the married couple walked in. The Jamaican said to them, "I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex."

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them. He was satisfied with things they way they were. The Jamaican quickly figured out the wife felt like she was getting the short end of the stick, so to speak.

The wife asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?"

The Jamaican replied, "Tell him to just try dem on, Lady." So the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on.

As soon as the husband slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes. There was a level of excitement his wife hadn't seen in many years! In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips.

The Jamaican began screaming, "You got dem on the wrong feet! You got dem on the wrong feet!"


 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lit-TTksFrg

Muslim Version of Adam and Eve

http://www.pcqanda.com/dc/user_files2/23536.jpg

O.M.G !   rofl , Doc !

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement. 

There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead. 

Life is sexually transmitted. 

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. 

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth. 

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, ly ing in hospitals dying of nothing. 

Have you noticed since everyone has a cellphone with a video recorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to? 

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again. 

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism. 

In the 60s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal. 

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire? 

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?" 

Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt. 

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests? 

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup? 

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle ?

More penguin jokes:

A penguin was passing the drug store when he decided he wanted to go in. He walks in the door (ring ring ring, waddle waddle waddle) he waddles up to the counter. 'Can I help you mister penguin?'
'Yes, do you have any plums?'
'No, penguin, this is a drugstore.'
'Thank you.' The penguin leaves (waddle waddle waddle)
A while latter the penguin passes by again and once again goes inside. (ring ring ring, waddle waddle waddle) He waddles to the counter. 'Excuse me, do you have any plums?'
'NO, penguin! this is a drug store!'
'Very well then, thank you.'
'If you come back in here again penguin, I will nail your cute little feet to the floor.'
'Oh, well, thank you' The penguin waddles out the door.
A while latter the penguin goes back into the store. (ring ring ring, waddle waddle waddle) 'Excuse me sir.'
'WHAT!!!!!!????????'
'Do you have any nails?'
'NO! penguin, this is a drug store!!!'
'Oh, well then, do you have any plums?'

A penguin walks into a bar, goes to the counter, and asks the bartender, "Have you seen my brother?" The bartender asks, "I don't know, what does he look like?"

Now I'm off to ponder on Docs post  at #512

For bird flu you need tweetment and for swine flu you need oinkment.

How to make a woman happy:

It's not difficult to make a woman happy.

A man only needs to be: 

1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber 
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist 
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer 
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic 
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant 
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous 
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO: 

45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes 

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes 


 


HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Show up naked 


2. Bring alcohol

Just Another Day on the Construction Site

http://mccormickequipment.com/fun_stuff/funstuff1.html

The Man Rules­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down    

Finally , the guys' side of the story.

We always hear "the rules"
From the female side.  

Now here are the rules from the male side.   


These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered "1 "
ON PURPOSE!  

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
   You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
   We need it up, you need it down.
   You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon
   or the changing of the tides.
   Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
   Let us be clear on this one:
   Subtle hints do not work!
   Strong hints do not work!
   Obvious hints do not work!
   Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
   Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.


1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
   In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.


1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
   Don't ask us

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry
   we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something
   Or tell us how you want it done.
   Not both.
   If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
   Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
   We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
   We know you are lying , but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as Football or Hunting or Fishing.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape.  Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.
   Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;


   But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.
I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had forgotten to make. I found the number, and dialed it.
A man answered saying, "Hello?"
I politely said, "Could I please speak with Robin Carter?"
Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number, and called her. (I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number). After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an asshole!" and hung up.
I wrote his number down, with the word 'asshole' next to it,and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him. He'd answer and I'd yell, "You're an asshole!" It always cheered me up.
When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the Telephone Company. I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with the caller ID program?"
He yelled, "NO!" and slammed the phone down.
I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole."
So, one day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some boy in a black BMW cut me off, and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for the spot.
The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car window, so I wrote down his number. A couple of days later,right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial), I thought I had better call the BMW asshole, too.
I dialed and someone said, "Hello?"
I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"
"Yes it is."
"Can you tell me where I can see it?"
"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and the car's parked right out front."
"What's your name?" I asked.
"My name is Don Hansen," he said.
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home every evening after five."
Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two asshole to call.
But after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. So, I came up with an idea: I called asshole #1.
"Hello"
"You're an asshole!" (but I didn't hang up.)
"Are you still there?" he asked.
"Yeah," I said.
"Stop calling me," he screamed
"Make me," I said.
"Who are you?" he asked.
"My name is Don Hansen."
"Yeah? Where do you live?"
"Asshole, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house with my black Beemer out front."
He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."
I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole."
Then I called asshole # 2: "Hello?" he said.
"Hello Asshole," I said.
He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."
"You'll what?" I said.
"I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.
I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."
Then, I hung up, and immediately called the police saying that I lived at 1802 West 34th Street, and I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover. Then, I called Channel 13 news about the gang war going down on West 34th Street.
I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th St. There, I saw two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of 6 squad cars, a police helicopter, and news crew.
Now, I feel better.