Cracking the Human Resource Code:
"COMPETITIVE SALARY"Most of our competitors don't pay much either.
"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY"We have no time to train you.
"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE"You'll be here very late, very often -- might as well be comfortable.
"MUST BE DEADLINE-ORIENTED"Your first four projects are already way overdue.
"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED"Did we mention that you'll be here very late, very often? And most weekends.
"DUTIES WILL VARY"Anyone in the office can boss you around.
"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL"We have no quality control.
"CAREER-MINDED"Female applicants must be childless.
"APPLY IN PERSON"If you're old, fat or ugly, that position has already been filled.
"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE"This job listing is just a legal formality. The position was filled by some executive's nephew.
"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE"Due to consolidation, you'll be replacing three people.
"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST"This company is a total mess.
"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS"You'll have all the responsibilities of upper management, without the pay, title or respect.
"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS"Listen to management, figure out what they want, don't ask too many questions and get the sh*t done.
Great jokes guys
I love to stop by and catch up. I hope to post something soon myself.
Take care all
Three Racehorses... Three racehorses were sitting in a bar bragging to each other about their life accomplishments. The first horse boasts "I've been in 59 races and I've won 35 of them." "That's nothing," says the second horse. "I've raced 97 times, and I've won 78 of them!" The third horse joins in: "Well, I've raced 122 times and I've won 102!" Just then, the horses hear a voice say, "I've got you all beat!" The horses look down and see a greyhound. "I've raced over 200 times, and I have NEVER lost!" The horses look at the dog in amazement. One of them says "How about that! A talking dog!"
I like it --a lot !!!!!!
The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet..'Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet..Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'Don't Mess with Old People!!
HOW TO CALL THE POLICEWHEN YOU'RE OLDAND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.George Phillips , an elderly man, from Meridian, Mississippi, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me. Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available." George said, "Okay." He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again. "Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them." and he hung up. Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed. One of the Policemen said to George , "I thought you said that you'd shot them!" George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"Don't mess with old people.
A policeman was directing traffic at a busy intersection when he observed a blind man and his seeing-eye dog waiting to cross.To his horror, he watched as the seeing-eye dog bolted across the street, dragging the blind man behind him.On the other side of the road, the man pulled out a cookie and offered it to his dog.The officer ran to the blind man and said, "Don't you realize your dog could have killed you, and now you're going to reward him?"The blind man said to the policeman, "Why, no sir, I'm just trying to find out where his head is so I can kick his ass."
Once there was a group of vampire bats that lived in a cave outside of a big city. One night, one said to a another, “I'm so hungry. I'm going to go get something.” “No don't! We have to wait for the others!” “I don't care.” And off he went.About 30 minutes later, he came back and was covered in blood. The other vampire bat asked, “WHOA!! Where did you find all that blood?” “You really want to see?” asked the bloody one. “Follow me.”So the first bat leads the other bat to the city and points to a large black building and asks, “Do you see that building?” “Yes,” came the reply. To that the first says, “Well, I didn't.”
How to clean a cat:
1.Thoroughly clean the toilet
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted. 3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom. 4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape. CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for any purchase they can find. 5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a ''powerwash and rinse'' which I have found to be quite effective. 6. Have someone to open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door. 7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids. 8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself. Sincerely, the Dog
aww so cute... here
I put that link up , didnt relise I was signed in as tha capn
A minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, 'If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.' With even greater emphasis he said, 'And if I had All the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.' And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said, 'And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.' Sermon complete, he sat down. The hymn-leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, nearly laughing, 'For our closing hymn, let us sing Hymn No.365, 'Shall We Gather at the River.'
Once apon a time (Approximately, 30 years ago) there was a Hipster who had just gotten stoned. He got on a bus and sat at the back where there was a Nun reading the Bible. Being stoned, he asked, “Hey. Wanna hook up and score?” The Nun simply replied, “No no, thank-you anyway. My virginity is Sacred.” Feeling stupid, the Hippie finally gets to his stop and is about to leave when the bus driver stops him. “Dude, if you really want to hook up with her, you should go down to the Church every Sunday. She is a Christian and a dedicated one too. She literally LOVES Jesus!” This gave him an idea He dressed up as Jesus and walked into the Church on Sunday. Sure enough, he saw the Nun praying. He walked up to her, held out his arms and said, “Behold. I am the mighty Jesus Christ. Lets score.” She was overjoyed
After it was over he ripped off the Costume and screamed, “Hah! I’m really the Hippie!.”
The Nun simply replied,” And I’m really the Bus Driver.”
Moses and Jesus were in a threesome playing golf one day. Moses pulled up to the tee and drove a long one. The ball landed in the fairway, but rolled directly toward a water hazard. Quickly Moses raised his club, the water parted and it rolled to the other side, safe and sound.
Next, Jesus strolled up to the tee and hit a nice long one directly toward the same water hazard. It landed right in the center of the pond and kind of hovered over the water. Jesus casually walked out on the pond and chipped the ball onto the green.
The third guy got up and randomly whacked the ball. It headed out over the fence and into oncoming traffic on a nearby street. It bounced off a truck and hit a nearby tree. From there, it bounced onto the roof of a shack close by and rolled down into the gutter, down the drain spout, out onto the fairway and straight toward the aforementioned pond. On the way to the pond, the ball hit a stone and bounced out over the water onto a lily pad, where it rested quietly. Suddenly a very large bullfrog jumped up on a lily pad and snatched the ball into his mouth. Just then, an eagle swooped down and grabbed the frog and flew away. As they passed over the green, the frog squealed with fright and dropped the ball, which bounced right into the cup for a hole in one.
Moses turned to Jesus and said, "I hate playing with your Dad."
A woman and her husband interrupted their vacation to go to the dentist. "I want a tooth pulled, and I don't want Novacaine because I'm in a big hurry," the woman said. "Just extract the tooth as quickly as possible, and we'll be on our way." The dentist was quite impressed. "You're certainly a courageous woman," he said. "Which tooth is it?" The woman turned to her husband and said, "Show him your tooth, dear."
this is so funny, this was on our local radio station sometime ago, its a practical joke gotcha call ... here
After watching sales falling off for three straight months at Kentucky Fried Chicken, the Colonel calls up the Pope and asks for a favor. The Pope says, "What can I do?" The Colonel says, "I need you to change the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken'. If you do it, I'll donate $10 Million Dollars to the Vatican." The Pope replies, "I am very sorry. That is the Lord's prayer and I can not change the words." So the Colonel hangs up. After another month of dismal sales, the Colonel panics, and calls again. "Listen your Excellency. I really need your help. I'll donate $50 million dollars if you change the words of the daily prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken.'" And the Pope responds, "It is very tempting, Colonel Sanders. The church could do a lot of good with that much money. It would help us to support many charities. But, again, I must decline. It is the Lord's prayer, and I can't change the words." So the Colonel gives up again. After two more months of terrible sales, the Colonel gets desperate. "This is my final offer, your Excellency. If you change the words of the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken' I will donate $100 million to the Vatican." The Pope replies, "Let me get back to you." So the next day, the Pope calls together all of his bishops and he says, "I have some good news and I have some bad news. The good news is that KFC is going to donate $100 million to the Vatican." The bishops rejoice at the news. Then one asks about the bad news. The Pope replies, "The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account."
Sure, there are some pretty stupid criminals out there. Yet this excerpt from a Washington Post article proves that not all criminals are dumb – in fact, some are so clever that the Post labeled this article, "The Best Comeback Line Ever" In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22-year-old white male, resident of Dacula, GA, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38 p.m. on Friday. Lawrence will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication at the Gwinnett County courthouse on Monday. The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview. Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, Picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his need. "I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment. In the process, Lawrence apparently failed to notice a Gwinnett County police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him. "It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said Officer Taylor. "I walked up to (Lawrence) and he's... just working away at this pumpkin." Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence. "I just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?' He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then looked me straight in the face and said, 'A pumpkin? Darn... is it midnight already?"
Full story here
1) When your driving and looking for an address why do you turn down the volume on the radio?2) How can you hear yourself think?3) Where in d nursery rhyme does it say humpty dumpty was an egg?4) Why does 'Fat chance' and 'Slim chance' mean the same thing?5) Why is it called a building if its aleady built?6) Why is the word abbreviate so long?7) If a person who suffered from amnesia was cured, would they ever remember they forgot?8) If you died with braces on would they take them off?9) Is it possible to get addicted to counselling? if so, hows it treated?10) If you try, fail and suceed what did u just do?11) Do fish sleep?12 ) Aren't you tired of people asking you rhetorical questions & you don't know if they are rhetorical r not?13) Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?14) Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?15) Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?16) Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?17) If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?18) Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?19) Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?20) Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?21) If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?22) Why does a round pizza come in a square box?23) Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?24) If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?25) Why do people pay to go up tall buildings & then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?26) Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.27) Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?28) What do you call male ballerinas?29) Can blind people see their dreams?30) Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?Why did you just try singing the two songs above?? i did it too
Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit didn't like each other very much. One day, while walking through the woods, they came across a golden frog. They were amazed when the frog talked to them. The golden frog admitted that he didn't often meet anyone, but, when he did, he always gave them six wishes. He told them that they could have 3 wishes each.Mr. Bear immediately wished that all the other bears in the forest were females. The frog granted his wish. Mr. Rabbit, after thinking for a while, wished for a crash helmet. One appeared immediately, and he placed it on his head.Mr. Bear was amazed at Mr. Rabbit's wish, but carried on with his second wish. He wished that all the bears in the neighbouring forests were females as well, and the frog granted his wish. Mr.Rabbit then wished for a motorcycle. It appeared before him, and he climbed on board and started revving the engine.Mr. Bear could not believe it and complained that Mr. Rabbit had wasted two wishes that he could have had for himself. Shaking his head, Mr. Bear made his final wish, that all the other bears in the world were females as well, leaving him as the only male bear in the world. The frog replied that it had been done, and they both turned to Mr. Rabbit for his last wish. Mr. Rabbit revved the engine, thought for a second, then said, "I wish that Mr. Bear was gay!" and rode off as fast as he could.
A couple had only been married for two weeks and the husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife, 'Honey, I'll be right back.' 'Where are you going, Coochy Coo?' asked the wife. 'I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face,' he answered. I'm going to have a beer.' The wife said, 'You want a beer, my love?' She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc. The husband didn't know what to do and the only thing that he could think of saying was, 'Yes, Lollipop... but at the bar... you know...they have frozen glasses... ' He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, 'You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?' She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it. The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?' 'You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?' She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and little quiches. 'But my sweet honey... at the bar.... you know there's swearing, dirty words and all that...' 'You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? - LISTEN UP CHICKENSHIT!! SIT YOUR ASS DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR BEER IN YOUR FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR HORS D'OEUVRES BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS ISN'T GOING TO A DAMN BAR! THAT SHIT IS OVER, GOT IT, JACKASS?' And...they lived happily ever after. Isn't that a sweet story?
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