3 nuns die3 nuns die in a car crash and they go up to heaven and Peters at the gate and he says before you come in i'm afraid you will have to answer a question so he says to the first nun don't worry the questions are very easy so he asks what was the name of the first woman and she says Eve and he says yep your in then he says to the second nun where did eve live and she says Garden of eden and he said yep your in then he says to the third nun which was the mother superior i'm affraid the question is going to have to be a bit harder for you so he asks what did Eve say when she first saw Adam and the nun says ooh thats a hard one and peter says yep your in
3 nunsthere were 3 nuns in the church 2 were crying 1 was laughing the preist walked up 2 a crying 1 and said 'why are u crying' the nun said i killed some 1 ,the priest said go drink from the holy water so he went up 2 the 2nd crying nun and said why are u crying she said' i stole a car' and he told her to drink from the holy water 2 then went up 2 the laughing nun and said why are u laughing she said' i peed in the holy water'
Mental Health Day!
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool. Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.' Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?' Happy Mental Health Day! You can do your bit by remembering to send an email to an unstable friend... Done my part!!!
Cooter and Gomer.
Stanley died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.
The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Cooter and Gomer.
The three men had always done everything together.
Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet,
Cooter said, 'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.'
The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, 'Nope, ain't Stanley .'
The mortician thought this was rather strange.
So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body.
Gomer looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up.
Roll him over..'
The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, 'No, it ain't Stanley '
The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'
Gomer said, 'Well, Stanley had two assholes.'
'What? He had two assholes?' asked the mortician.
'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say:
'There's Stanley with them two assholes.'
HAHAHHAHAHAAHA......Yep...there's a skin in there somewhere. Heck! A whole new OS.
After their 11th child, a very "rural" couple decided that was enough as they could not afford a larger bed.So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have anymore children.The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. "A less costly alternative," said the doctor, "is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Alabama) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10."The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.""Trust me," said the doctor.So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count..."1""2""3""4""5"At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.
Just happened on this today Funny as sh__t
Kasiola
Sometimes you can reach too far!
And when you find yourself over-extended and you're stuck in a situation that you can't get out of....
There is one thing you should always remember......
Not everyone who shows up......
Is there to help you!!!!
I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling. Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away. Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued,"He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along.
@WG & Shaunna:
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Do you have feelings of inadequacy? Do you suffer from shyness? Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive? If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Margaritas. Margaritas are the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. Margaritas can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything. You will notice the benefits of Margaritas almost immediately and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live. Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living, with Margaritas. Margaritas may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Margaritas. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it. Side effects may include: Dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration Erotic lustfulness Loss of motor control Loss of clothing Loss of money Loss of virginity Attraction to the same sex Table dancing Headache Dehydration Dry mouth And a desire to sing Karaoke WARNING: The consumption of Margaritas may make you think you are whispering when you are not. WARNING: The consumption of Margaritas may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them. WARNING: The consumption of Margaritas may cause you to think you can sing.
i started out with nothing,and still got loads of it left.
B'dum-b'dum!
Guess what you got from me?
Two church members were going door to door, and knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their message and slammed the door in their faces. To her surprise, however, the door did not close and, in fact, bounced back open. She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the door again with the same result-the door bounced back open.
Convinced these rude young people were sticking their foot in the door, she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson, when one of them said, "Ma'am, before you do that again, you need to move your cat."
Ewwwwwwwww......LOLOL!
Military Words of Wisdom1. "When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane, you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash." 2. The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are: "Why is it doing that?""Where are we?"and "Oh, shit!"3. "If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him." 4. "Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once!"
Not a joke... but I thought it was funny.
I had a couple of pushy Jehovah's Witness women in their 50's at my door once. I'd not long gotten home from work and only had 5 hours before my next shift, so wanted to get rid of them quickly and go to bed... but one put her foot in the door and went on about the 'wages of sin'
Nothing I said got rid of them, and jamming the door on the inserted foot didn't work either... so I dropped my shorts to reveal Mr Angry (who was staring at them through the crack in the door) and invited them inside to experience some real sin.
I've never seen JW's move so fast. They were outside my front gate in seconds... leaving the shoe from the offending foot behind on the doorstep.
A newlywed couple just moved into their new house. One day, the wife asked her husband, "Honey, one of the bathroom pipes is leaking. Could you fix it?"The husband looked at his wife and said, "What do I look like -- Mr. Plumber?"A few days went by, and his wife asked for a favor. "Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?""What do I look like -- Mr. Goodwrench?"A couple weeks later, the wife found a leak in the roof. "Honey, there's a leak on the roof. Can you please fix it?""What do I look like -- Bob Vila?" He sat down with a beer and watched a game on TV.One rainy weekend, the husband realized the leak on the roof was gone. He went to the bathroom and found that the pipe behind the sink wasn't leaking anymore either.When his wife returned home, the husband asked, "Honey, how come there aren't any more leaks and the car's running?"She replied nonchalantly, "Oh, the other day I ran into one of our new neighbors, Jon. What a nice man. He came over and fixed everything."Wow, did he charge us anything?""No, he said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or had sex with him.""Cool. What kind of cake did you make?""Cake? What the hell do I look like -- Betty Crocker?"
A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway. "Oh my - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!" "I can't jump out the window - It's raining out there!" "If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied. He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!" So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them. Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer. "Do you always run in the nude?" one asked. "Oh yes!" he replied, gasping for air. "It feels so wonderfully free!" Another runner moved alongside him. "Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?" "Oh , yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!" Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried, "Do you always wear a condom when you run? " "Nope... just when it's raining".
A husband and wife go visit a marriage counselor. First, the wife speaks to the counselor alone. The counselor asks, "You say you've been married 20 years, so what seems to be the problem?" The wife replies, "It's my husband -- he's driving me crazy! I'm going to leave him if he continues!" "How does he drive you crazy?" "For 20 years," she says, "he's been doing these stupid things. First, whenever we go out, he's always looking at the floor and refuses to go near anyone. It's very embarrassing." The marriage counselor is amused, "Anything else?" "He keeps picking his nose all the time! Even in public!" "Hmm, anything else?" probes the counselor further. The wife hesitates, "whenever we're making love, he NEVER lets me be on top! Once in a while, I'd like to be in control!" "Ah," says the counselor, "I think I'll talk to your husband now." So the wife goes out of the room and the husband enters. The counselor tells him, "Your wife says that you've been driving her crazy. She might even leave you." The husband looks shocked, "What? For 20 years I've been loving and considerate and I've always given her what she wants! What could be the problem?" The counselor explains, "She says that you've got these habits that are driving her crazy. First, you're always acting strange in public--looking at the floor and never going near anyone else." The husband looks concerned, "Oh, you don't understand! It's one of the few things my father told me to do in his deathbed and I swore I'd obey everything he said." "What did he say?" "He said that I should never step on anyone's toes!" The counselor looks amused, "Actually, that means that you should not do anything that would cause anyone else to get angry." The husband looks sheepish, "Oh. Okay." The counselor continues, "And you keep picking your nose in public." "Well, its another thing my father specifically commanded me to do! He told me to always keep my nose clean." The counselor looks faint, "That means that you should not indulge in any criminal activity." "Oh," says the husband looking very stupid. "And finally, she says that you never allow her to be on top during your lovemaking." "This," says the husband seriously, "is the last thing my father commanded me to do on his deathbed and it's the most important thing." "What did he say?" The husband replies, "In his dying breath, he said. Don't screw up."
1. JusticeThe judge summoned the opposing lawyers to his chambers. Confronting the lawyers, the judge said: "Each of you has presented me with a bribe." The lawyers squirmed uncomfortably. "Mr. Hearnski, you gave me $15,000. Mr. Joy, you gave me $10,000." The judge then handed a check to attorney Hearnski. "Now then, I'm returning $5,000 to Mr. Hearnski and we'll decide this case solely on its merits!"2. How NOT Live A Long LifeWife: "Let's go out tonight and have some fun." Husband: "Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the light on for me!"
Two old codgers , Wal and Lenny were having a beer in the pub when Wal turns to Lenny and sez . "Ah , Lenny did you know you've got a suppository 'anging outta yer left ear?"
" ' Ave I?" Lenny, sez, 'well I'll be buggared." puts 'is pot down takes the suppository outta 'is ear looks at it a second.
Then 'e sez to Wal ," Thanks for tellin' me mate . Now I reckon I know where I've put me hearing aid."
The economy is so bad:CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
A lady went to her fridge, opened the door & a rabbit was sitting on the shelf.
She said"what are you doing inside my fridge?"
The rabbit replied,"this is a westinghouse isn't it?"
Yes,the woman replied So!
So i'm westing.
Win $10,000 A drunk walks into a bar and notices a banner that says "win $10,000; ask bartender for details". He asks and the bartender says "well, you see that man at the end of the bar?". the drunk looks over and sees a huge, burley dude. the bartender says "if you can knock him out with one punch, you go to the second step... The door right behind that big guy opens into a room containing an aligator with a sore tooth. if you can pull his tooth and come out alive, you move on to step three... Those stairs next to the door go up to an eighty year old hooker's apartment. she has never been satisfied by any man. if you can satisfy her, you win the money!"
The drunk says ok and orders a double shot of whiskey. he belts that down, walks to the end of the bar and POW!, knocks the big dude out. he orders another double, belts it down, walks to the door, steps inside and closes the door. BAM, CRASH, GROWL is all the bartender and patrons can hear for a few minutes and then total silence. five minutes later, the drunk walks out of the room bloody, clothes shredded. He orders another double, drinks it and says "o.k., where's the hooker with the sore tooth?".
The Donkey A man walks into a bar and sits down and orders a drink.
He then notices a Jar that is full of money. The man asks the bartender what the jar is for. The bartender then says that he has a donkey in the back room and if anyone can make him him laugh they win the money. If not they owe me 100 dollars.
The man say I can do it!
So he goes into the back room and about 5 minutes later the bartender hears the donkey laughing out loud. The man walks out and takes the money from the jar, thanks the bartender, and leaves.
About a month later the man comes back into the bar and there is a new jar of money. The man asks the bartender what the new jar of money is for.
The bartender looks at the man and says if you can make the donkey cry the money is yours, if not you owe me 100 dollars. The man says ok I'll do it!
He walks into the back room and about 2 minutes has gone by when the bartender hears the donkey crying. The man walks out and grabs the money out of the jar, but before the man leaves the bartender asks, "How did you make the donkey laugh?"
The man looks at the bartender and says, "Well the first time I told the donkey that I had a bigger pecker then he did".
"How did you make him cry?" ask the bartender?
Well I showed him.
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