Best Singles Ad Ever WrittenThis has to be one of the best singles ads ever printed. It is reported to have been listed in The Atlanta Journal.SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips,cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Call (404) 875-6420 and ask for Daisy, I'll be waiting...
Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society about an 8-week-old black Labrador retriever. (Men are so easy).
Funny as hell all of them!!
*double post...drats!
Glad you enjoyed Tg!
Great one Wiz!
Have you heard about the man who did it with a parakeet?
He contracted chirpes and the worst thing?
It was untweetable.
This guy was having a problem with mice in his apartment. "Dude," he told a friend, "I've tried everything and those damn mice keep coming back." "I had the same thing man," his friend says. "All you have to do is stuff steel wool in their little holes." "That's it?" the guy asked. "I'll do it tonight if it means getting rid of the damn rodents."
About a week later the guy gets a call. "How's it going with the mice, buddy?" "Not so good, dude." "What's the problem?" his friend asks. "To be honest, I'm having a lot of trouble holding their little legs apart."
Oy. That one laid an egg, and was really for the birds.
...................................................................
A Scotsman, Frenchman and Pole were in a bar drinking when the Frenchman saw a fly in his beer. He was disgusted, and threw the beer away and left in a huff.
The Pole fished the fly out and went back to drinking the beer.
The Scotsman carefully fished the fly out, and hoding it by it's wee wings over the beer coaxed, "Spit it out! Spit it all out!".
Ok,I admit that was a cheep shot.
Love it!!! But don't let it 'ruffle your feathers'.
The Closet A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom closet.Then the woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already. The little boy says, 'Dark in here.' The man says, 'Yes, it is.' Boy - 'I have a football.' Man - 'That's nice.' Boy - 'Want to buy it?' Man - 'No, thanks.' Boy - 'My dad's outside.' Man - 'OK, how much?' Boy - '$250' A few weeks later, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.. Boy - 'Dark in here.' Man - 'Yes, it is.' Boy - 'I have football helmet. 'The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'How much?' Boy - '$750' Man - 'Sold.' A few days later, the boys father says to the boy,'Grab your helmet and football, let's go outside and have a game of football. The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my ball and helmet.' The father says, 'What?! How much did you sell them for?' Boy - '$1,000.' The father says, 'That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is far more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess.' They go to the church and the father makes the little boysit in the confession booth and he closes the door. The boy says, 'Dark in here.' The priest says, 'Don't start that shit again.You're in my closet now.'
Two Nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.
After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door."Who is it?" calls one of the nuns. "Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.
The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door."Nice gazongas," says the man, "where do you want these blinds?"
One more for today:
A girl asks her new boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after dinner, she would like to have sex with him for the first time.
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacy to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about half an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I''m so excited for you to meet my parents! Come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl''s parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!"
Now some people are really stupid!!!! Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die. This is so priceless, and so, so easy to see happening, customer service being what it is today. A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00 when she died, but now somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to Citibank.Here is the exchange :Family Member: 'I am calling to tell you she died back in January.'Citibank: 'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.' Family Member: 'Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.'Citibank: 'Since it is two months past due, it already has been.' Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?' Citibank: 'Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!'Family Member: 'Do you think God will be mad at her?' Citibank: 'Excuse me?'Family Member: 'Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?'Citibank: 'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.' Supervisor gets on the phone:Family Member: 'I'm calling to tell you, she died back in January with a $0 balance.' Citibank: 'The account was never closed and late fees and charges still apply.' Family Member: 'You mean you want to collect from her estate?' Citibank: (Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?'Family Member: 'No, I'm her great nephew.' (Lawyer info was given) Citibank: 'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'Family Member: 'Sure.' (Fax number was given)After they get the fax :Citibank: 'Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can do to help.' Family Member: 'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. She won't care.'Citibank: 'Well, the late fees and charges will still apply.' (What is wrong with these people?!?)Family Member: 'Would you like her new billing address?'Citibank: 'That might help...'Family Member: ' Odessa Memorial Cemetery , Highway 129, Plot Number 69.' Citibank: 'Sir, that's a cemetery!' Family Member: 'And what do you do with dead people on your planet???'(Priceless!!) You wondered why Citi is going broke and need the feds to bail them out!!
The History of "The Finger"
This is not meant to be crude. It is strictly for your edification and enjoyment.
Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers. Without the middle finger, it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore be incapable of fighting in the future.
This famous weapon was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as "plucking the yew." Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French,saying, "See, we can still pluck yew! PLUCK YEW!"
Over the years, some 'folk etymologies' have grown up around this symbolic gesture. Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say (like "pleasant mother pheasant plucker", which is who you had to go to for the feathers used on the arrows for the longbow), the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodental fricative 'F', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute are mistakenly thought to have something to do with an intimate encounter.
It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows that the symbolic gesture is known as "giving the bird."
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"
The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."
You must be an engineer" says the balloonist.
"I am" replies the man. "How did you know."
"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's no use to anyone."
The man below says "you must be in management."
"I am" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."
Be Careful Out There: IDIOT SIGHTING: We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, 'NO, it's not.' Four is larger than two..' We haven't used Sears repair since. IDIOT SIGHTING: My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, 'you gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back.' She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said 'We're sorry but they could not do that kind of thing.' The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.. Do not confuse the clerks at McD's. IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE : My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had iceburg lettuce. From Kansas City IDIOT SIGHTING: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?' To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?' He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.' Happened in Birmingham , Ala. IDIOT SIGHTING : At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker. She was leaving the company due to 'downsizing.' Our manager commented cheerfully, 'This is fun. We should do this more often.' Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare. This was a lunch at Texas Instruments. IDIOT SIGHTING : I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on. A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office, no less. IDIOT SIGHTINGWhen my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!' His reply, 'I know. I already got that side.'This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, MS STAY ALERT!They walk among us... And the scary part is that they VOTE and they REPRODUCE
Priceless!
When asked to define "great" he said "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, wail, howl in pain, desperation, and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.
Woohoo ain't that the truth:
<-------- He got the job!
Two Red Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods.All of a sudden one of the Red Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave. 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' he called into the cave and listened closely until he heard an answering,'Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo!He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.The Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about,.'Was the other Indian crazy or what?' The Indian replied 'No, It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful squaw in there waiting for us.Just then they came upon another cave.The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered,'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!'Immediately, there was the answer.'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' from deep inside.He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave.As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking,'Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found.There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!'He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' Like the others, he then heard an answering call, 'WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!'With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave,tearing off his clothes as he ran.The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read...............You'll like this NAKED IRISHMAN RUN OVER BY TRAIN!!!
Hi! I was thinking about you yesterday!
awww thanks Doc I have been thinking of you as well
Left a message on the "I'm Back"...Gawd it's great ta see ya! And what a cutie!!
All purpose apology letter:
Dear:
A)Family
B)Sweetheart
C)Teacher
D)Sir or MadamI am so verya ) sorryb )damagedc ) ashamedd ) confusedabout this wholea ) boondoggle.b ) wang doodle.c ) whatever I did that's making you so pissy.d ) "pressing charges" thing.I simply could not control thea ) jet ski.b ) rocket booster.c ) Zamboni.d ) pods at the end of my arms and legs.And while it is true that I should not have headed in the direction of youra ) white, suede loveseat,b ) Cub Scout troop,c ) wife,d ) priceless beer can artwork,especially after consuming so mucha ) sangria,b ) meth,c ) fresh air,d ) priceless beer,it was all meant in fun!The subsequenta ) carnageb ) soilingc ) shamed ) ongoing investigationthat I caused is, hopefully,a ) like, "whatevs."b ) covered by your policy 'cause I'm not insured.c ) beyond my comprehension -- and yours.d ) appreciated.I humbly ask your forgiveness, though it is perfectly within your rights toa ) spank me.b ) blow up my spot.c ) claim my firstborn.d ) gouge out my eyes and feed them to your priceless koi.Remember -- I am first and foremost youra ) only child.b ) BBF 4-eva.c ) co-signer.d ) kidney donor.I hope that this clears up any hard feelings anda ) restores my inheritance.b ) puts us back in bed together.c ) brings you to your sanctimonious knees!d ) gets me off.Sincerely,Me
OK! Love it! Perfect!
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