An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough daytrying to get a stay of execution for a client who was due to behanged for murder at midnight.His last minute plea for clemency to the governor hadfailed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wifestarted on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home isthis? Where have you been?''Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and onand on.Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiarritual, he went and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed offfor a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictablesarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wifeanswered and was told that her husband's client , James Wright, hadbeen granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hangedtonight.Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had,she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by thesight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.To which he whirled around and screamed,'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'
There was a competition to swim from Santa Monica to Catalina doing only the breaststroke, and the three women who entered the race were a brunette, a redhead and a blonde.
After approximately 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on the shore and was declared the fastest breaststroker.
About 40 minutes later, the redhead crawled on shore and was declared the second place finisher.
Nearly 4 hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers. When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race, she replied,
"I don't want to sound like a sore loser, but I think those two other girls were using their arms."
There have been so many great jokes in here. Thanks to all who have posted.
WHEN I SAY I'M BROKE---I'M BROKE
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."
"Go away!" said the old lady. "I'm broke and haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open . "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration."
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.
"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."
The old lady stepped back and said, "Well let me get you a fork, 'cause they cut off my electricity this morning."
Why does California have a lot of lawyers and New Jersey a lot of landfills?--New Jersey had first pick.
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Two blondes were taking their first train trip to Warsaw on the train. A vendor came down the corridor selling bananas which they'd never seen before. Each bought one.The first one eagerly peeled the banana and bit into it just as the train went into a tunnel. When the train emerged from the tunnel, she looked across to her friend and said, "I wouldn't eat that if I were you.""Why not?""I took one bite and went blind for half a minute."
Honest Bumper Stickers:
-- All men are idiots, and I married their king.-- Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.-- I brake for no apparent reason.-- Time is what keeps everything from happening all at once.-- Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.-- I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.-- Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.-- Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.-- I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.-- Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off NOW.-- Give me ambiguity or give me something else.-- Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.-- Puritanism: the haunting fear that someone somewhere may be happy.-- Consciousness cuts into my napping.-- Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.-- There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't.-- Keep honking. I'm reloading.
The Power of Beer A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion. After 18 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooosh! Plop!! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant 'Take another drink!' The bartender continues to shake his head in dismay. Swoooosh! Plip! Plop!! Two arms pop out.The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, 'Take another drink! Take another drink!!' The bartender ignores the whole affair and goes back to polishing glasses, shaking his head, clearly unimpressed by the amazing scenes. By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Plop! Plip!! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left then staggers to the right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says(Wait for it (It's coming)(Ya ready?)(Don't hate me)(Ya gonna hate me'He should've quit while he was a head!'
The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left then staggers to the right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says(Wait for it
(It's coming)(Ya ready?)(Don't hate me)(Ya gonna hate me'He should've quit while he was a head!'
Beer Drinking Troubleshooting:
SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to satisfy and the front of your shirt is wet.FAULT: Mouth not open when drinking or glass applied to wrong part of face.
SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.FAULT: Improper bladder control.
SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
SYMPTOM: Floor moving.FAULT: You are being carried out.
SYMPTOM: Everyone looks hideous.FAULT: Either you haven't had enough to drink, or they've flipped on the lights for last call.
lol thats a good one wizard
I just this thread!
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."
There was once a millionaire who collected a large amount of alligators as pets. One day when he held a party he came up with a proposition. He said if anyone could swim across the alligator infested pool and emerge unharmed he would pay them $1 million or give them his daughter, a supermodel.
Immediately after he finished saying this he heard a splash and the entire crowd watched and cheered as the young man swam quickly across the pool, and emerged unharmed.
The millionaire was amazed but said that he would hold up his end of the bargain.
"Well", he said,"do you want the $1 million or my daughter? The young man answered, "Sir, I don't want your money or your daughter, I just want to know who the hell pushed me into that pool."
Ooooouch
Hospital Patient
A sweet old lady telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?" The operator said, "I can, what's the name and room number?"
The old laday in her weak voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302."
The operator replied, "Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse."
After a few minutes the operator returned to the phone and said, "Oh, I have good news, her nurse just told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday."
The old lady said, "Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you!"
The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"
The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me shit."
A quiet Round of GolfA man staggered into the casualty department of a hospital, he had severe concussion, two black eyes, multiple bruising and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asked him "What happened to you?" The man managed to croak..."Well, my wife and I were having a quiet round of golf, we were playing the eighth..., a difficult hole at the best of times....., anyway, we both sliced our balls into a field full of cattle. We went to look for them and as we were walking round, I noticed that one of the cows had something white at it's rear end. I went over, lifted it's tail, and sure enough there was a golf ball with my wife's initials on it....stuck right in the centre of the cow's f***y. Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife "Hey this looks like yours! " I don't remember much after that....
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On His DeathbedA man lies on his deathbed, surrounded by his family, a weeping wife and four children. Three of the children are tall, good looking and athletic but, the fourth and youngest is small and ugly. Darling wife," the husband whispers, "assure me that the youngest child really is mine. I want to know the truth before I die, I will forgive you if ..." The wife gently interrupts him. "Yes my dearest absolutely no question I swear on my mother's grave that you are his father." The man then dies, happy. The wife mutters under her breath: "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."======================================================================
Love or Lust How do you know if you're in love, lust, or marriage?LOVE - when your eyes meet across a crowded room.LUST - when your tongues meet across a crowded room.MARRIAGE - when your belt won't meet around your waist, and you don't care. LOVE - when intercourse is called making love.LUST - all other times.MARRIAGE - what's intercourse? LOVE - when you argue over how many children to have.LUST - when you argue over who gets the wet spot.MARRIAGE - when you argue over money. LOVE - when you share everything you own.LUST - when you think twice about giving your partner bus money.MARRIAGE - when the bank owns everything. LOVE - when it doesn't matter if you don't climax.LUST - when the relationship is over if you don't climax.MARRIAGE - what's a climax? LOVE - when you phone each other just to say "Gidday".LUST - when you phone each other just to organize sex.MARRIAGE - when you phone each other to find out what time your son's game starts. LOVE - when you write poems about your partner.LUST - when all you write is your phone number.MARRIAGE - when all you write is cheques. LOVE - when you show concern for your partners' feelings.LUST - when you couldn't give a shit.MARRIAGE - when your only concern is what's on TV. LOVE - when your farewell is "I love you darling ...".LUST - when your farewell is "So, same time next week?".MARRIAGE - when your farewell is silent. LOVE - when you are proud to be seen in public with your partner.LUST - when you only ever see each other in the bedroom.MARRIAGE - when you never see each other awake. LOVE - when your heart flutters every time you see them.LUST - when your groin twitches every time you see them.MARRIAGE - when your wallet empties every time you see them. LOVE - when nobody else matters.LUST - when nobody else knows.MARRIAGE - when everybody else matters and you don't care who knows. LOVE - when all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel.LUST - when it's just the same mushy old shit.MARRIAGE - when you never listen to music. LOVE - when breaking up is something you try not to think about.LUST - when staying together is something you try not to think about.MARRIAGE - when just getting through today is your only thought. LOVE - when you're interested in everything your partner does.LUST - when you're only interested in one thing.MARRIAGE - when you're not interested in what your partner does
ok here's another
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.
A married couple was
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!
One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice.
She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."
"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
im in stiches
An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying his situation, he says quietly to himself, ''I'm screwed.'' There is a ray of light from the sky and a voice booms out: ''No you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone in front of you and bash the head of the chief.''
So the explorer picks up the stone and proceedes to bash in the head of the chief. He is breathing heavily while standing above the lifeless body. Surrounding him are the 100 native warriors with a look of shock on their faces.
The voice booms out again: ''Okay.......NOW you're screwed!''
Wiz! Dynamite!!!
Macho Mice3 mice were sitting in a bar one day talking about how tough they were. The first one drank a shot of whiskey, slammed the glass down on the bar and said: "There isn't a mouse trap in the world that is strong enough to get me. As a matter of fact I like to spring them, catch the bar, do 25-30 bench presses with it then hop out. The second mouse drank a shot of whiskey, slammed the glass on the bar and said: "D-con is no match for me. I like to eat it like candy, and on occasion, grind it up, roll it and smoke it. It's really great stuff."The third mouse, drank his shot of whiskey, slammed it on the bar, got up off of his stool and started walking towards the door. The first mouse asked him where he was going. The third mouse looked over his shoulder and replied: "Home to screw the cat."
Good one!
Yesterday I had a flat tire on the interstate. So I ease my car over tothe shoulder of the road, carefully get out of the car and open thetrunk. I took out 2 cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at therear of my car facing oncoming traffic. They look so lifelike youwouldn't believe! They are in trench coats exposing their nude bodiesand private parts to the approaching drivers. To my surprise, carsstart slowing down looking at my lifelike men. Traffic starts backingup. Everybody is tooting their horns and waving like crazy. It wasn'tlong before a state trooper pulls up behind me. He gets out of his carand starts walking towards me. I could tell he was not a happy camper!
'What's going on here?'
'My car has a flat tire', I said calmly.
'Well, what the hell are those obscene cardboard men doing here by theroad?'
I couldn't believe that he didn't know. So I told him, 'Helloooooo,those are my emergency flashers !
LMAO!!! I haven't hardly read this topic before, awesome stuff guys and gals
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